Consumed by Love

Of Throats and Hives and Basketball

2012-01-26T08:18:00.002-06:00

Life here is back to normal...ish. Olivia can eat again. Her throat is nearly healed. She sleeps very well.

But she's still breaking out in hives. Now we think she may ALSO be allergic to something in her soap. Time to call an allergist, I guess.

*Sigh*

She's back at school this week, and she starts a month-long basketball program at the Y tonight. She is quite excited about this, and I am really looking forward to watching her learn a new sport. Kind of...I mean, they don't REALLY learn basketball at ages 4 and 5 and 6. They learn to shoot and take turns. Whatever.

In other news, it has been raining and dreary and basically JANUARY around here, but it has NOT been snowing. We can ALL be thankful for that and pray that it continues. I really hate snow.

Because blogging keeps me awake

2012-01-23T08:38:00.002-06:00

I had three hours of sleep last night. I'm running on caffeine and sheer willpower. I can barely put a full sentence together. It is by the Grace of God that I haven't strangled anyone this morning.

Last night was bad. There was this awful line of severe weather with high winds and tornado threats moving through, and Joe was out in it picking up a conference participant at the airport. So, obviously I couldn't really sleep until I knew he was home safe. Then I was up another 45 minutes waiting for the heavy part of the storm to pass. Thunder is annoying. High winds, though, make it impossible for me to sleep.

I was just drifting off when Olivia woke up (after the bulk of the thunder had already passed) and said that the storm scared her. So I went to lay with her in her bed. She proceeded to toss and turn, wide awake, for the next three hours. At that point, I was so tired that I was sobbing. I put her on the couch and turned on the TV at 3:45 a.m., resigned to the fact that if she could be entertained by the TV, at least that meant I could get a couple of hours of sleep before I had to get up and face the day. Normally, TV in the middle of the night would NOT be an option, but IT WAS 3:45 A.M. AND I HAD NOT YET HAD ANY SLEEP. I was desperate.

Of course my desperation and sobbing woke my husband, who had been asleep about three hours at that point. He took matters into his own hands, trying to get Olivia to calm down and fall asleep. He finally succeeded about two hours later, only to have her wake up about an hour after THAT with a bad dream.

Needless to say, we are both very, very tired today. And Olivia gets to take a nap this afternoon, whether she wants to or not.

Recovery-wise, things are going smoothly. Olivia still complains of sore throat when she eats something scratchy, but otherwise she is acting and playing normally. Where she was breathing so loudly before surgery that we could hear her on the opposite end of the house, doors closed and TV on, she now breathes so quietly that we have to watch for the rising and falling of her chest to know she is breathing at all.

All this has translated to better overall sleep as long as nothing wakes her prematurely. That part could be a problem. Even after just six hours (of her usual eleven) of sleep last night, she was refreshed enough to stare wide-eyed at the ceiling for the better part of the night.

The other thing I've noticed is that she hasn't had a bedwetting problem since the surgery. She developed that problem around this time last year, when we started noticing her apnea symptoms. It is really too soon to tell since she was so dehydrated for several days following surgery, but she has been "normal" in fluid intake for the last few days, and still she stays dry all night. I'm thinking maybe she was too tired to get up and potty before. So I'm hoping that trend continues.

The huge downside is that she seems to have developed an allergic reaction to all food dyes. Everything is making her break out. Today is the first day in a week that we haven't dosed her with bena*dryl. We aren't sure that dyes are the cause, but it seems to be the common denominator. We are hoping that avoidance of all dyes takes care of THAT problem.

I am so, so tired.

Itchy

2012-01-18T09:20:00.004-06:00

The surgery recovery continues to be nothing but misery. On Sunday, Olivia broke out in hives. We thought it was the narcotic, so we stopped that and switched to regular ty*lenol. The hives continued and got worse after her Monday dose of antibiotics. So we assumed the antibiotic to be the culprit and started back on the narcotic. They STILL continued but seemed to get worse after the ibuprofen. So yesterday, she had nothing but ty*lenol.

And the hives got worse again.

Last night, at the end of our proverbial rope, we decided to give her nothing at all (except Ben*adryl, because of the hives). She slept basically like all the other nights...peacefully for 5 or 6 hours, then up for 90 minutes in pain until she passed out again for the rest of the night.

But today, she woke up with hives AGAIN. And her throat is very swollen and she doesn't want to talk or eat or drink.

So. The nurse said to stop tylenol and try ibuprofen but only if she absolutely needs something for pain. This, of course, is right in the midst of what they said would be the hardest part of recovery, pain-wise. But right now, the itching hives and the swelling in her throat are causing her more problems than pain. The nurse also advised us to start back on the steroid, which we stopped on Sunday since we weren't sure what was causing the hives, because it is not likely the allergen and will help with the swelling.

Recovery day 7. She's crying because she can't swallow much and she's gagging on mucus and I'm thinking that a ten-day recovery is just a pipe dream. I'm also thinking of buying her a pony* when this is all over. The poor kid deserves a treat** after all this pain and suffering.

*And by "pony", I mean, "special toy or treat of her choice, under $30". Because I'm not made of money. And she's a little terrified of large animals.

**Mommy also deserves a treat. Recovery is pretty hard on caregivers too. Which is why I am 100% sure I am not cut out to be a nurse. Those people should get a special medal or something.

This sucks

2012-01-13T10:06:00.003-06:00

Recovery is hard, y'all. Olivia woke up yesterday all swollen in the mouth and crying and wouldn't swallow anything. Today was much the same as yesterday. I don't really know how to fix that.

It seemed to get better as the day went on. By bedtime yesterday she was dancing in the shower and chattering away. But mornings are hard. Everything is hard until she can work herself up to swallowing some medicine. And that takes most of the morning.

My first duty is to get something of the pain-reliever variety in her as soon as she wakes up. It's hard, but necessary. We spend 15 minutes trying to accomplish this. Then she whimpers until it kicks in. We spend another two hours trying to work ourselves up to eating/drinking SOMETHING so she can take her antibiotic and steroids and the REAL pain medicine (all of which should not be taken on an empty stomach, are you kidding me?!). So, here it is after ten o'clock, and I'm still in my pajamas and the only real thing I've accomplished today is force-feeding my kid some ice cream (!) and getting her to take two of the three important meds. We'll work on number three (the narcotic) later, when the steroids kick in and give her a little more energy to eat something and be more cooperative.

I'm exhausted, but I can tell she is even more exhausted. She's also a little confused about her voice. Yesterday, until the swelling went down, she sounded very much like Kermit the Frog with his tongue frozen to a flagpole. Today is a little better, but maybe because she refused to speak any real words for two hours and communicated in grunts and moans. By the end of the day, she sounds more normal, but still a bit pinched. Even she noticed it. "Mommy, my voice sounds weird. It doesn't sound like my normal voice anymore." Sorry kid, that's probably permanent. Adenoids were blocking your air passage. Things are going to be different now...mostly good, but might take some adjustment.

One day at a time. We are on day two of meds and recovery. We were told to expect ten days of soft foods and mild activity. So patience is the name of the game. I suppose it's a good thing that winter decided to kick in just now because it would REALLY suck to be stuck inside and miserable in pretty weather. The snow seems fitting.

Tonsils be gone! (and adenoids)

2012-01-11T17:59:00.003-06:00

Today was Olivia's tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. She has been anticipating it with glee, mostly out of sheer ignorance. "Fox in socks (stuffed) is going with me to the hospital. I'm going to take the special medicine and then say 1-2-3 and then go to sleep! I'm going to be very brave!" So, with this preparation, she showed up eager to please and in a good mood.

The nurse read her bracelet and listened to her heart. Later, they came and gave her some "goofy meds" which, of course, made her tired and groggy. She happily downed the nasty-tasting stuff and then hated how she felt as she got groggy. They wheeled her away as she was drifting in and out.

When she got back into the room after surgery (which was short and successful, by the way), she was swinging mad and crying. My throat hurts! Where's my mom?! Where's my medicine?! Where's my drink?! I WANT A DRINK ALREADY!

They got her to her room and we got her calmed down relatively quickly by getting her a drink (!) and having me in bed with her head in my lap. That probably helped the most. Once she settled, she got some ibuprofen and drifted off to sleep. Things have been going pretty well since then, with a few outbursts. For the most part, she's been groggy and hungry and relatively cooperative on the fluids thing. I'm encouraged by the list of things she's eaten since we've been home: yogurt, cotton candy, baked chicken, green beans, mac & cheese, pancakes and ice cream. That's impressive! We'll see what the next few days hold.

The worst part of the day was listening to all of the OTHER tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy patients wailing. No doors in outpatient surgery...only curtains. The wails coming from other kids (who obviously weren't handling recovery quite as well as Olivia) caused a little anxiety before surgery but exacerbated her anxiety after surgery. Thankfully, she was groggy enough to sleep through some of it.

For the most part, she was quite the little trooper and did very well. Doc said she had huge tonsils and adenoids, and her sinuses were also infected. We suspect that she's pretty much chronically infected because she has cold symptoms five weeks out of six. Doc says that adenoids make that worse, so this should improve the situation quite a bit.

I sincerely hope so.

Nesting and waiting

2012-01-09T09:38:00.003-06:00

I spent the weekend nesting, so to speak. I had a dream on Friday night about getting a call for a placement, and I woke up and realized that we were very, very unprepared to put a baby anywhere in this house.

The third bedroom, a.k.a. the baby's room, has been used for storage for anything that I wanted to keep out of reach of the kids. As a result, the usable space in this room kept getting smaller and smaller and smaller. So, Saturday I spent nearly the entire day cleaning out this room. It still needs some work, but you can now access both the crib and the dressers without climbing over anything AND you can walk into the closet...which was not possible before the great clean-up. I now feel like we could put a baby in there without fear that he or she would suffocate from the sheer volume of STUFF in the room.

I have a whole list of other "nesting" projects to keep me busy in the next few months. I've found this is necessary to keep from obsessing about the actual, ellusive baby in our future. I try very hard to appear very calm and confident about this whole adoption waiting process. I talk a good line about waiting on God's timing and all. But occasionally things happen to rattle my confidence and make me question why we have to suffer all these things simply to build our family.

I got a Christmas card from a friend I met in Omaha when we were both training to become FertilityCare Practitioners in 2000 and 2001. She was in her early 30s at the time, married and dealing with some major infertility issues. She welcomed her first child through adoption several years later, a couple of years before Olivia was born. And then, when her baby was less than a year old, she discovered that she was pregnant. In her Christmas card this year, I learned that they are expecting their fourth child (third pregnancy) in July. Now in her early 40s, she is classified as an "elderly multigravida"- a title she NEVER would have expected to carry. She is overjoyed. I am overjoyed for her. I understand her struggles to get to this point and am so happy that she is filling her house with children, which has always been her dream.

And yet, such an announcement makes me question again..."Why me? Why us? Why are we continually burdened with waiting while others celebrate such unexpected blessings?"

I was reflecting on this a couple of weeks before Christmas and a quote from Narnia popped into my head. From "The Horse and His Boy," Aslan is speaking to Shasta as Shasta questions why certain things had to happen to him and to his friend as they were on their journey.

"Then it was you who wounded Aravis?"
"It was I."
"But what for?"
"Child, I am telling your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

I think about that a lot when I get overly frustrated with the wait. I think about it now when someone announces a pregnancy or gets a really quick adoption placement while we wait. God is in charge, and He has reasons for His timing. Maybe there is something we have yet to learn or experience. Maybe there is a baby especially suited for our family who isn't to be born for awhile. Maybe there is a birthmom who needs extra prayers and is really, really struggling with a decision that will ultimately affect us, but right now affects her more than she ever thought possible. It's really not just about me or us or our little family. But ours is the only story WE are told.

So we must be patient, or at least try. And pray. I remain confident that another child is in our future. I'm just a little frustrated with the foggy details. That's the planner in me...always frustrated over things I cannot control. So if you want to pray for me, pray for patience. I could always use an extra dose of that.

Off and running

2012-01-04T08:21:00.003-06:00

Hello, and we are still alive here in Chez Consumed. Christmas nearly ate my brain and now it is January and there are SO. MANY. THINGS. LEFT. UNDONE.

Christmas itself was lovely. Who wouldn't love seven straight days of too much sleep, too much food, and hoardes of family members and little cousins gathered around entertaining my kid so I can relax. Heaven. Olivia was AMAZINGLY well behaved for the whole thing and it was so much less stressful than previous holidays (when she was sleep deprived and ripe ground for multiple tantrums).

But, of course, there are all those things that you tend to put off until after the holidays. I have a stack of bills to attend to. I have some volunteer responsibilities, which involve motivating OTHER volunteers to get stuff done at a time of year when NO ONE wants to have anything added to their list. Yeah, still trying to procrastinate on that one.

And then I volunteered to do research on our family camping weekend IMMEDIATELY so that we can find a place and space available and get everyone together on a weekend that works for all and SERIOUSLY THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. Have you SEEN my family (probably not). There are eleven adults and eleven small children, six separate households, kids in school and ballet and summer activities, families with OTHER vacations in the works...and I'm trying to find ONE weekend that works for ALL of us. Hmmm...

Also, we have a tonsillectomy on the docket for next week, a family wedding to attend in February, a massive family vacation to save for in June (cruise, not camping) and some pretty light pockets at the moment (I blame Christmas shopping). Oh yeah, and did I mention the tax audit?! On our adoption credit from three years ago?! That came two days before Christmas?!

Yeah, so we've been busy. Now we are back into the swing of things, and I guess back to "normal" for a bit. Except that now the baby I watch has morphed into this army-crawling, pulling-up-on-furniture, stealth little crumb snatcher. She refuses to be confined to anything so babyish as an exersaucer. Oh, no. Put me on the floor, woman! I need to chew up some Barbie shoes and try to stuff that piece of broccoli on the floor from dinner two nights ago into my mouth.

2012 is off to a running start.

Perspective

2011-12-15T08:26:00.004-06:00

This has been a weird week. Olivia has been croupy and randomly asking for the barf bucket (but not using it) because her tummy muscles hurt from coughing. Other than that, she's fine. But the kids I watch came down with something and stayed home, so my house was pretty empty here for a couple of days. This morning, Olivia woke up with sore tummy muscles but bounced back from it in time to go to school and then insisted she stay home because the kids were going to be back today and she missed them. Not a good reason to skip school, kid. "But I'm sick! I want to stay home!" But if you are sick, the kids can't come. It was a real catch-22 for her.

So, we had to deal with that little tantrum. It was irritating, and more than irritating for my husband who felt like she was manipulating him. And perhaps she was. But after she left for school, I checked facebook and saw a friend post this:

"The pathologist that read Isaac's spinal tap results found cancer cells in the fluid, meaning that his lymphoma has returned."

And, well, that put things into perspective.

Isaac and his parents are friends of ours. He is a couple of weeks older than Olivia. Just days before his third birthday (about 13 months ago), he was diagnosed with a rare type of lymphoma and their family was thrown into a scary world of doctors and needles and tests and treatments. His tests have indicated no cancer cells for the last few months, and I think they were just finishing out the 12-month treatment protocol before declaring him in remission. I'm not sure how that works, but I got the sense from their updates that they were getting ready to put a very scary and challenging year behind them and look forward to a healthy future. And then cancer rears its ugly head once again.

Isaac is four years old. He is their only child. I cannot even imagine how devastating and terrifying this news must be for them.

Olivia has had a lot of colds recently, and when she doesn't have a cold, she sounds like she does. She doesn't sleep well and is often grumpy and unreasonably demanding by the afternoon. We had her evaluated by an ENT and discovered that she needs her tonsils and adenoids removed. Surgery is in a few weeks. I don't think I've mentioned it here yet, but I'm both relieved and freaked out. Relieved because we deal daily with the fallout of her obstructive apnea and inability to sleep all night and we are hoping this will be the cure (as it often is for kids with this problem). Freaked out because my BABY is having SURGERY. Ack! And I have to take care of her sorry sick self during her days of recovery. Which makes me feel a little sorry for myself.

And then I remember Isaac, a sweet little trooper who is handling things WAY above his comprehension level with a grace I can't even imagine. And I remember his Mommy, who has spent more time this year inside of hospitals holding her child's hand than most people spend in their entire lives. Isaac has had to miss out on a lot of the experiences that Olivia has enjoyed this year. You can't send an immuno-compromised kid to preschool. You have to miss birthday parties and trips to the zoo and playdates and any number of kid (and Mom) socializing opportunities. And I complain of cabin fever! I cannot even imagine...

So, when Olivia throws her tantrums and melts down, I will try to be patient and offer up my frustration for Isaac and his family. When she gets her annual post-holiday illness (which she will inevitably pick up from one of her cousins), I will remember Isaac's parents, who will probably have to miss a good number of family gatherings this holiday season because Isaac's immune system won't allow for exposure to lots of people. I will say a prayer for strength and healing for them, and I will thank God for the blessings of health in our own family.

The new room

2011-12-12T12:01:00.004-06:00

My husband had this aunt who had a party room behind her garage. It was a big rec room with a lot of windows and space. Perfect for card parties with all of her friends. She furnished it with this vintage 1970s whiskey barrel furniture. Yeah. Come to think of it, it was probably brand new when she put it in. And my husband made a point of commenting on the sheer awesomeness of the furniture every time he visited her.

Now, this aunt of his didn't have any kids, so when she died she left things to her nieces and nephews. She specifically designated certain items for certain people. My husband...he got the rec-room furniture.

For five years since inheriting these treasures, they've been in storage in my uncle's basement. And then my uncle decided to sell his house. It was time to do something.

In the meantime, we've been feeling a little cramped in this house...particularly in the winter when we can't escape outside. There are lots of kids here every day, and we needed more space. So we made a decision. It was time to convert our beloved screened-in-porch to an all-seasons sunroom. We loved our porch, but it was impossible to use it for anything during the cold or REALLY hot months of the year.

So we took this:

and turned it into this:

We have an infrared heater to keep the space warm, and the windows slide open to re-create our screened-room feel whenever the weather is nice. And the furniture all fits in there.

That would be a couch, bar and table, all with chairs and whatnot.

Great table for dining, card playing, game night, etc.

Olivia is obsessed with bunny ears right now. Can you tell? That's the main house through the door behind her.

Yes, that WOULD be dogs playing poker. And yes, my husband did receive this with the rest of the furniture. It's been in storage all these years, too, because there is no other setting in our house where this would fit. Truly.

We also have a "bar" sign made of the top of a whiskey barrel that is meant to hang on the wall. I'll have to put that picture in a post once we get it up. It is truly one of those things you have to see to believe.

The space looks better than I would have imagined, and it is quite useful. It is the one place where I can escape now when all the kids are napping and have a phone conversation. I can go out there to read and leave the door open and see the kids playing in the living room. And it's the one place in the whole house where we can actually see the school bus coming before it is at our door.

I think we are gonna get a lot of use out of this room.

A holiday visit

2011-11-30T08:18:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving this year was...interesting. Thursday was a normal Thanksgiving gathering with my side of the family. Then things got frustrating.

We had made plans with Olivia's birthmother, and she was supposed to spend the night on Thursday. Then the plan changed...on her end. She ended up spending the night on Friday instead, which turned out OK, although the last minute changes did throw off our weekend a bit. We had a lovely time, made a traditional Thanksgiving meal, enjoyed some time together. And I found myself with conflicting emotions, as always happens when she is with us.

My first instinct is to think of more ways to invite her into our celebrations. Her life has never been "traditional". Thanksgiving was barely noticed in her family, as it is. It seems she and those around her have struggled just to "get through" whatever the day presents them. So when she spends time with us, she relaxes. She sees Olivia in her regular environment and rejoices in her happiness and stability. She seems to wish such a life for herself. And some of the recent choices she has made seem to indicate that she's on her way to achieving more stability in her life. But, seeing her joy at being a part of our little family celebrations makes me want to involve her more often.

And then...she allows Olivia to see parts of her life that are foreign to Olivia. The smoking, the language, the mannerisms...things we don't want Olivia to pick up on. And so far, Olivia hasn't...much. In fact, she corrects Samantha (and others) on certain things. "We don't say that word." "Ain't is NOT a word!"

But, as much as she tried to conceal it from Olivia during our visit, Olivia picked up on the fact that Miss Samantha would sneak outside for a cigarette. There's this dissonance in her mind...she prays nightly for Miss Samantha to stop smoking. She knows that it is bad for your lungs. Her little 4-year-old mind can't comprehend why someone would do something that is bad for them.

And, she ADORES Miss Samantha. She doesn't see her often, but when she does, she wants to hold her hand and walk by her and have her watch EVERYTHING she does. So after we got home from dropping Miss Samantha off on Saturday, it didn't surprise me much to find Olivia playing "smoking" in the backyard. Which, of course, prompted a Mommy-Daughter heart-to-heart about people we love and how some of their choices aren't the best and we don't want to encourage such choices or be like them in that way because it can be harmful to ourselves, etc.

Now that Olivia's old enough to observe these things, watching the "play smoking" makes me want to place some distance between us and her birthmother. I know that is not helpful either, as I'm sure it will just make Olivia focus MORE on her when we do get together. But I feel the need to protect my child from certain things while she is still very, very impressionable.

I feel there are great benefits to open adoption, especially for Olivia and her future self-identity. I just hope she can separate who she is from who her birthmother has been based on her birthmother's individual choices. Samantha is a product of her environment and her own upbringing, which was turbulent, to say the least. But she and Olivia exhibit similar personality characteristics, and I pray every day that Olivia's upbringing can help her channel those traits and tendencies in good, productive ways.

Thirty-five

2011-11-21T08:13:00.003-06:00

When you are in your twenties, 30 sounds old. And then you hit 30 and realize that all of those twenty-somethings are just kids. You, however, are still considered to be among the young crowd, except now you are young with life experience.

Thirty-five is a little different...at least for women. It seems to be the magical line where your biological clock starts ticking a little louder and your body starts falling apart. You slide from a category of regular women of childbearing age to a category that is high risk if pregnancy should occur (not that it's likely either way for me). Something about hormones and chromosomes and whatnot. Women over 35 are supposed to be at risk for this and that and the other thing. I think I'm supposed to be gaining weight...and aren't your bones supposed to start falling apart at this point? It just seems like the arbitrary point where everything is supposed to start going downhill.

I'm not worried. I feel better than I have in years. Because of my reproductive health issues, I disciplined myself to eat better than I ever havhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gife and weigh less than I have at any point in my life post-high-school. I sleep well, I enjoy my life, and I don't have a lot of extra stress. While my family size is smaller than I would have imagined it to be at this point, I love my family and the time we spend together. It just seems...right. I am content.

So, although it is raining AND a Monday, I'm going to say that on my thirty-fifth birthday, I am pretty happy. Life is good.

Interview Project: Introducing Kristin

2011-11-17T09:00:00.003-06:00

One of my favorite bloggers on adoption and related issues, Heather, is hosting an interview project in the adoption-related blogging world. I was randomly paired with Kristin from Parenthood Path. I really enjoyed reading through her blog and getting to know her a bit better through her online story and her interview questions.

Her interview is below. My questions are in italics. Her answers are not. As a point of reference, her husband is M., her son is D., and her son's birth mother is V. Hope you enjoy getting to know Kristin as much as I have!

You and I both have very young adopted children, so we haven’t yet had to deal with school family tree projects or questions from our kids about why their family is different from other families. It does make us think through, about how the birthmother/birth family fits into OUR family as a whole. In your ideal scenario, what would be your birthmother’s role/involvement in your family?

Hmmm…First and foremost, I want D. to have a comfortable and natural relationship with V. (one that makes any scrutiny that his atypical family might receive easy for him to handle). Next, I want V. to have a comfortable and natural relationship with her son. Third, I want V. to have a comfortable and natural relationship with me and M. And last, you guessed it, I want M. and I to have a comfortable and natural relationship with V. I’m not sure how we will achieve these things as our lives progress, but I imagine it will continue to require openness, honesty, respect, and love.

You allude to some problems with maintaining your “ideal “open adoption relationship because the ball gets dropped by V. I can really relate to this. Has this difficulty caused you to re-evaluate your “ideal “relationship, or has it strengthened your resolve to find ways to keep the lines of communication open?

Both. I’d really like to have regular and predictable contact with D’s birth mom, but I’ve had to adjust my expectations a bit and work to “meet her where she’s at.” Shifting my focus has taken some pressure off of me, and I think it’s also helped me personally connect with her better when she is in touch.

Of course, I worry a lot about how contact that isn’t regular and predictable might impact D. It’s been tremendously helpful to learn from other parents (like Heather!) about how they see their role not as protecting their kids from disappointment and hurt, but helping them to navigate difficult (and inevitable) emotions in healthy and productive ways.

Do you have plans to try to adopt again? Why or why not?

I suppose you’ll just have to stay tuned to learn the answer to this question! I will say that our lives are VERY full and happy with the one beautiful child we have.

You’ve talked about positive adoption language on your blog before. What is the most annoying term/phrase you’ve heard used by family or friends in reference to your son and/or his birth family?

Yah, we’ve been asked if we’ve heard from his “real mom,” and other awkward and annoying things. Mostly, though, the slips have just come from people who mean well but just haven’t thought about the implications of their words and found better ways to express themselves. I guess we’re fortunate in that no particularly awful incident comes to mind.

It does bother me that despite all the educating and explaining we’ve tried to do, some people in our lives still seem not to appreciate why we want a close relationship with D’s birth family, regardless of any challenges that might bring.

How do you deal with family or friends who are “repeat offenders” in using language that is not helpful?

At this point, depending on the offender and the offense, I either shrug it off and move on, gently mention a preferred term or perspective, or (more often than I probably should) correct with a scolding tone and rolling eyes.

I’ve read adoption bloggers who fall in one of two separate ideologies: “He WAS adopted.” Or “He IS adopted.” Apparently, for many, there is a big difference in identifying this as a once-and-done event or as an ongoing part of who you (and your family) are. Into which camp do you fall? Why?

I actually wrote about this particular issue and how my views on it have changed in my last post about Positive Adoption Language. Basically, I think it needs to be up to the person who was/is adopted to decide what term to use, and when.

Personally, I am trying to train myself to say, “we adopted him,” rather than “he is/was adopted,” because I think that more accurately reflects an action the adults took, instead of some characteristic of our son.

Your infertility journey was similar to ours in that you didn’t try many of the more invasive, expensive procedures before pursuing adoption. I’ve found that a lot of people question that and wonder why we chose adoption instead of pursuing these technologies. What is the most compelling reason you can give for why adoption was your choice.

Quite simply, we were more confident adoption would make us parents than IVF. We also felt that adoption was more consistent with our values.

Yes, I will always miss never having been pregnant, given birth, or nursed my child. But now, when I go into my boy’s room in the morning and he’s jiggling with joy to see me, I am so, so glad we didn’t spend lots more time, money, and heartache on medical intervention. There is no way M. and I could have created a child so “perfect.”

My thought exactly. :)

Parent-Teacher conferences

2011-11-15T13:14:00.003-06:00

I have a lot of stuff to catch up on. We'll start here.

Olivia goes to preschool at a Catholic grade school, and they do some things for the preschool just like they would for the rest of the school, including parent-teacher conferences. So last Wednesday, we met with Olivia's teacher.

I didn't really know what to expect. I know my kid is a little, well, bossy and overbearing. At least at home. Her preschool director has had nothing but good things to say about her, though, and the daily sheets she brings home from school are all pretty good. No notes for bad behavior. And I know she's learning stuff. But what is actually happening behind the scenes?

Well, Miss Bobbie, her teacher, started by pulling out a portfolio with her name on it. She showed us a triangle and a circle. "On the first day of school, we asked the kids to cut out some shapes. These are Olivia's. She has no trouble using scissors. These are very well done." So far, so good.

"This is her name as she wrote it on the first day." Perfect. Good. We saw some more samples of her work in cutting, coloring, arranging pieces, gluing, etc. Check, check and check. She is fine on all the motor skills and such.

Then we went to letter and number recognition. She tested "within the range where we want kids to be when they start kindergarten". Same with following directions. It is apparent that she's a bright and teachable child.

"Now, about Olivia's problems with M..." M is a kid in her class. Olivia has been talking about her since she started school. "M hit me today. I don't think she likes me. She's not very nice to me." This went on for a couple of weeks before I called the preschool director to see what was up. I was under no illusions that the problem was entirely M's...I was sure Olivia was causing her fair share of the trouble between the two of them. Which was why the teacher wanted to address it with us.

As it turns out, M and Olivia are two VERY strong personalities, more alike than different, and that is why they clash. Instead of separating them, though, the teacher intentionally puts them together for projects and assigns them tasks to complete together. I found that interesting, especially in light of the fact that Olivia has recently been coming home identifying M as her friend and has fewer and fewer complaints about her. The teacher is trying to help the girls learn ways to get along. So, I was pretty happy with the way they were handling that.

Also, the teacher explained that she tends to redirect Olivia's bossy nature, explaining that she doesn't ever punish a kid for being bossy. "I have seen those bossy preschoolers turn into student council presidents and leaders in their high school classes. We want to use that energy well and teach them how to be constructive with it."

So, overall, a good session!

Happy 4th birthday!

2011-11-12T20:23:00.002-06:00

Today, Olivia turned 4 years old. We celebrated by taking her and her birthmother to the zoo. While there is a lot more I want to say about the day and our time together, for now, let's just say that it was a beautiful day and a successful outing and a good time was had by all.

And for now, I'm going to bed. More about this next week.

Home improvement, because we are on a roll in that particular arena

2011-11-11T08:25:00.005-06:00

So, we have this screened porch. It has always been one of my favorite rooms...at least for handful of weeks when the weather is seasonable enough to sit out there. But then it became storage for everything in the yard...rakes, sand toys, bikes, the grill.

Pictured in its recently-cleaned-out state. Usually it looks more like a storage barn without walls to hide all the crap.

Several years ago, we acquired this, um, interesting barrel furniture. Joe inherited it when his aunt died because she knew that he always admired it. But our house=not so big. So the furniture had been living in my uncle's basement. Except my uncle is selling his house. And we figured that five years is long enough to impose on someone's good nature to store all of our excess furniture.

So we moved it into the house, thinking we'd store it wherever we could find a place until we figured out what to do next. Except there is nowhere to store anything in our house, so it lives in the living room. The table has become the kids' favorite coloring place.

The couch, yes indeed, sits right in front of our other couch. Yes, it looks as weird as it sounds.

Oh yeah. There's a bar. Right now, it does duty as a changing table and/or a sewing table.

Here's the thing...there's nowhere to put my Christmas tree. And the third bedroom/a.k.a. storage room has become even more cluttered since I had to move furniture into there to make room for this furniture out in the living area.

Long story, short point. We have a contractor starting work on Monday to remove the screens on our porch and replace them with walls/windows to create an all-seasons sun porch. And then the barrel furniture will live out there, permanently. And that's what is going on here, now. The end.

Happy 11/11/11. Also, this little girl turns 4 years old tomorrow.

In which I overdose on paint fumes and birthday cake

2011-11-08T09:08:00.007-06:00

It's been a little heavy on photos and a little light on dialogue here lately. There are reasons for that. It's not that I don't have anything to say. It's just that I've been to busy to say any of it.

And here's why (more pictures).

We found ourselves with a completely free Saturday the weekend of Halloween (Oct 29th) and decided upon waking that this would be the day to paint the living room. Now, this wasn't a rash and hasty decision. We had decided to repaint last Thanksgiving after putting in the new floor. It took us until April to choose colors and then August to buy paint. So we had all the supplies and colors and whatnot. Now it was just time to do it.

We took this color:

and changed it to this color.
Now it goes nicely with the oriental rug in the living room. But we weren't finished yet. There was still the dining room/kitchen to repaint. I got super ambitious and decided that it must be finished by the following weekend (Nov 6th) when we were planning to have Olivia's birthday party. So I took this:
And turned it into this (all while the kids were playing in the other room or napping...I know, I got skillz).

It's a little shiny in that picture because it's still wet. And it looks exactly like the living room, except that it isn't. It is a darker shade, but photography doesn't do it justice.

So, overall, we took this:

and turned it into this:

Again, very hard to see how the two colors play together. So you'll just have to trust me when I say that they do. And here's the living room color with the floor and a touch of the rug.

And that's all. Because no one cares about my house colors except me. The end.

Moving on. Finished the paint on Thursday. Took the next two days to clean house and prepare for Sunday's birthday bash. It was a beautiful day, and the pint-sized guests played outside for most of it. We walked down to the local stables (about a quarter-mile away) for pony rides. The kids had fun. The birthday girl was pleased.

And a good time was had by all. She still has a few days until she's officially four (Nov 12th), but she still thinks she's big stuff.

Also, we have a dozen leftover cupcakes in the fridge. With homemade cream cheese icing. Who wants to help me eat them?

Seven

2011-11-06T11:29:00.003-06:00

The weather today is very nearly identical to what it was seven years ago...sunny, mid-60s and perfect for a wedding. It's hard to believe that it has already been seven years.
We've fit a lot of life experience into those seven years, though. And I love you more today than I ever have. Happy Anniversary, my love.

Early birthday party

2011-11-04T16:40:00.002-05:00

We're going to have your birthday party in two days, Olivia. What do you think of that?

I think she's pleased.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T08:22:00.000-05:00

Things on a rainy day

2011-10-27T10:38:00.004-05:00

This is what Olivia is wearing to her preschool Halloween party today. Her hair kind of disappears in this get-up.
She couldn't decide if she was going to be a wizard or a witch or "spiderella," which was the name on the costume, minus the hat, which we already had. There's a weblike collar thingie that goes on this that she didn't wear in the picture but did take to school. So, whatever. I don't know what to call it. But she's in costume and happy about it.

Today is my "easy" day when I only have three kids, and those three are pretty docile without my kid here to stir up the action. They are happy to play quietly on the floor or stare at PBS programming while I clean the house. I'm happy to let them. There, I said it. PBS is the babysitter's babysitter.

A contractor-guy is coming by with an estimate on our porch project today. We've been trying to get SOMEONE to give us some sort of idea about how much it would cost to turn our screened porch into a weather-proof, all-season room. I've been calling every contractor I can find for the past six weeks, and this guy is the first one to actually come out, do some measurements, take them home and then get back with us with numbers. I'm hoping they look good, because I really don't want to wait months more for additional estimates. I'm tired of tripping over the furniture that is meant to live in our new room as soon as it is finished.

I must call today and get Olivia's birthday party plans underway. We are thinking pony rides and a cowgirl theme. But that's as far as the planning goes thus far. We live within walking distance of a place that offers pony rides, so that should be easily accomplished. I just have to pick up the phone and do it. Now. Go. Gah!

Hope the sun is shining wherever you are, dear readers. Lack of sun is killing my motivation today.

The gymnast

2011-10-26T09:27:00.004-05:00

So, I took Olivia to her gymnastics class on Monday night in a new leotard (provided by the beloved hand-me-down box of awesomeness). This leo fits quite nicely and she looks like, well, a gymnast. Not a tiny kid bouncing around in gymnastics gear, but a gymnast.

My kid, she has definition. She's muscular, and I realized that she doesn't have baby fat anymore. She doesn't LOOK like an almost-4-year-old. And her skills are advancing at lightning speed.

She's just so confident. I see her out there doing backbend flip-overs and assisted back handsprings and pulling herself, unassisted, onto the uneven bars...much to the astonishment of her coaches. (The uneven-bars coach watched her do it and then said, to the main coach, "Hey, watch this! Olivia, do that again. Can you believe she's doing it by herself?") She pays attention. She stands in line and listens to instruction and then DOES what they ask her to do.

This month marks the one-year anniversary of starting gymnastics, and there is SUCH a difference in her behavior and her skill. She's not a baby anymore. She's this amazing little kid with interests and skills that I never had. It's really amazing how fast they change at this age.

Cruise recap

2011-10-24T09:08:00.002-05:00

Here we are, back from our cruise. It was four parts fabulous, one part distressing. Fabulous because, despite the constant threat of rain in the first two days, we only got rained-on once and enjoyed some warm-but-not-hot days in the Bahamas and Key West. Fabulous because we enjoyed uninterrupted, relaxed time together. Fabulous because we did not need to worry about Olivia, who was enjoying some exclusive grandparent time. Fabulous because I was REALLY looking forward to a vacation.

Distressing because being there meant I was missing my grandmother's funeral.

We got the call about Grandma while eating breakfast at our connecting airport on the way to Florida on Monday. Grandma had been in decline for years, and recently had an infection that led to an inability to swallow food. The week before the cruise, hospice said it could be days or weeks, depending on the strength of her heart. It turned out to be days. It was not unexpected at all, but still always shocking and hard when someone you love dies. I knew it was coming, but found myself fighting tears at unexpected moments those first couple of days of the cruise.

The funeral was planned for Friday, which was the day we'd be flying back. If we were doing a 5-day beach vacation, we would have cut it short by a day and flown back on Thursday. But you can't exactly do that with a cruise. So while my whole family was gathered for her funeral, I was sitting in a Miami airport listening to Herman Cain explain his 9-9-9 plan on CNN.

When my grandpa died three years ago, the whole family came. To my recollection, of the 12 children, 29 grandchildren and all of the great-grandchildren (there are 24 now, I don't know how many we had 3 years ago) we were missing two members...my cousin who was deployed to Afghanistan and another cousin who is a priest who is studying in Rome. So, I felt bad missing the funeral for vacation. Kind of a peer-pressure thing. Even more (and selfishly so) I missed visiting with all of my family. We are tight, but it is rare that we ALL get together at the same time.

So, yeah, there was this thought in the back of my mind during the whole cruise that I should not be enjoying myself so much while everyone at home was planning a funeral. Why do we do that to ourselves? Grieving makes sense. But guilt is so useless.

Anyway, that aside, we had a lovely time. Really. We were there with a bunch of priests on retreat (Joe's role was to introduce the retreat master and to lead a focus group). We ate dinner with the group every night and had Mass together every morning. The rest of the day was our own. We bought a bunch of crap for Olivia and ate and ate and ate and walked and enjoyed each other's company. It was a great week.

Is there any way we can move that sail date up to, say, this afternoon?

2011-10-14T12:36:00.003-05:00

Fridays are my most difficult days because I have Olivia plus five babysitting kids. It's the only day every week that it happens. Olivia is at school the other day that I have five, and the rest of the days I only have three or four.

Usually, it is manageable, knowing that the weekend is coming. Today, it should be extra manageable knowing that the weekend will be followed by a week of vacation away with just me and my husband.

But, somehow, the kids got the memo that I was THISCLOSE to vacation, and they decided to ramp up the crazy. You know, just so I'd REALLY appreciate this time away.

The baby is a nightmare today. She was apparently awake more than normal last night, according to her Mommy, so her usual screamy self was extra tired and screamy. Like the "I'm so tired I can't possibly be bothered to eat and so hungry I can't sleep more than ten minutes at a time" kind of screamy. The only time she has been happy today was when we were outside, and even then she was sort of jumpy-grabby-screamy. The squeal-like screamy. The slap-happy tired and crazy-happy screamy.

Olivia woke up with a double dose of her "Friday-so-tired-from-the-whole-week" crazies. So there's that. The rest of the kids have ramped up the whine, the tattling, and the mischieviousness.

Around lunchtime, I was just ready to throw something. Little did I know, this was just before they really dialed up the crazy times ten...dozen. I got plates ready, then put the grabby baby on the floor so I could free up my hands (and remove her grabby ones) from my own lunch preparation. She was happy for two minutes. Then she started to scream. The kids took that as their cue to start bouncing around and playing with each other's food. Finally, I removed the baby to my bedroom floor so I wouldn't have the screaming in the same room. What kind of trouble can she get into there, right? She is only able to scoot herself a few feet and mostly turns in a circle.

Uh-huh. She finally stopped screaming, so I went in to check on her. She had scooted herself into the bathroom and had toppled the bathroom trash and was chewing on the corner of an almond bag. There were about a billion other worse things in the trash that she could have been chewing on, so let's just say I was relieved. I removed the trash and closed the bathroom door, which led to more screaming. I knew the kid was hungry, but I had to get the others through lunch first.

Meanwhile, the kids are shouting at each other in the dining room. Not because they were mad...just because shouting appeared to be the preferred volume for lunch conversation. I went in to put a stop to it by asking if they needed to eat in separate rooms. They all said no. Except Olivia. So she spent the rest of lunch sitting with her plate on the laundry room floor. The rest of the kids (who are terrified of me when Olivia is not a part of the mix) ate the rest of their meal in silence. I may have to try this more often.

Got the baby fed. She screamed between bites of jar food and screamed when her bottle was not yet finished. I finally pronounced her too tired to eat and put her to bed. Right after she fell asleep in the master bedroom, which is how I separate her from the other nappers, Olivia insisted that she had to pee RIGHT NOW and someone was in the other bathroom. I told her she had to wait and couldn't use the master bath because she'd wake the baby. I went to tell the other one in the bathroom to hurry. Crying commenced..."I can't. I had an accident."

Oh for heaven's sake, people! So I snuck Olivia into the master bath and left her there while I went to deal with the accident child (who, by the way, is the oldest and has been potty trained longer than anyone here). Then I went back to sneak Olivia back OUT of the bathroom.

Then they started throwing things at the wall in Olivia's room. You know. Just because.

Now I have to go wash someone's clothes along with the bathroom floor mat. Also, I must work on getting these kids down for a nap. Because if we don't get one good, long nap out of everyone today, heads are gonna roll.

Giddy with anticipation

2011-10-10T08:05:00.002-05:00

This time next week, I will be on a plane headed for a ship in a tropical destination with my husband, while our daughter spends the week wearing out her grandparents.

Which means, this week will be interminably long.

I plan to keep myself very busy in order to make the time pass quickly. Today is laundry and raking. Our tree has lost 75% of it's leaves in the last week. Sad, but the kids LOVE a pile of leaves to jump in, so today I will entertain them with that.

We have an Engaged Encounter meeting on Saturday, which will require a bit of preparation, so I have to squeeze that in this week. I also plan to pack early, since most of what I am taking is Summer weather stuff that won't be needed HERE this week. I'm hoping that the early packing will make the weekend a little less hectic.

Overall, I am trying to focus on the task at hand and not let my mind wander to the relaxation of a week on a cruise ship. I am not meeting with much success, though.

Dreams

2011-10-07T07:59:00.003-05:00

When you were a teeny baby, I remember watching you smile in your sleep and wondering what filled your dreams to make you smile.

Last night, you woke up, like you occasionally do, and asked Mommy to come lay in bed with you awhile. You fell back asleep quickly, so I knew there was nothing serious weighing on your mind. You just wanted the security of feeling Mommy there beside you as you drifted off into dream land.

As I quietly prepared to steal away and return to my own room, I heard you giggle, and then you started singing in your sleep. Once again, I wondered what your dreams were like. What fills the mind of a not-quite-four-year-old when she's asleep?

You are so untroubled by the world and it's problems. The very complex issues surrounding your birth and adoption do not worry you at all. You know you are loved. You know you are secure. You trust Mommy and Daddy and your grandparents and Jesus. You are sweet and loving and carefree and a little wild.

I'm thankful...

that most of your dreams are sweet...

that your worst dreams are of monsters and dragons that only exist in your imagination...

that you do not live in anxiety about your next meal or the permanency of your family situation...

No child should have to worry about such things, but many do. I'm thankful that you are not one of them. I'm thankful that you are our daughter, forever. I'm thankful for your imagination and your creativity and your talents and the freedom you have to explore them.

I'm thankful that you can laugh and sing in your sleep.

Stuff and things

2011-10-05T09:08:00.004-05:00

"Glory to God, Glory to God, I want to see your face. I WANT YOU TO SEE MY FAAAACCE!" Olivia is playing "Church" today, and it is interesting. Especially since she's playing with the two boys I'm babysitting, and they obviously don't have the same experience of liturgy that she does. She keeps telling them to hold the book and leading them in processions and singing various versions of the "Gloria" and they just stand there with confused faces.

Ah, imagination.

"Project organization" is coming along. It helped that Joe took Monday off work and decided to spend his whole day cleaning up this and that. We made some progress. Turns out, all we needed to get weekend stuff done was to hire a playmate for Olivia. She and her babysitting pals went about their merry business while Joe and I cleaned and organized various long-neglected spaces. I feel like we have some momentum now.

We have acquired even MORE furniture...a bed, dresser and end table. All of these things will be great for the third bedroom, but the key is to rid ourselves of all the clutter that is now in "storage" there. So I'm working on that. And I'm getting a little desperate to have that screened porch finished so we can get OTHER furniture out of the house and start living with a little more space. But we can't seem to get any contractors to call us back. Must be a busy time in homebuilding. At this point, I'm seriously thinking about knocking stuff out and starting the project on my own. With help from my Dad, but still. Must fight the urge. Too many other things to do.

It has been super lovely here, which bodes well for my sanity as I can get all the kids outside and enjoy the sunshine for at least an hour a day. We all need that Vitamin D while we can get it easily.

Also, I have exactly one week and a half until cruise time. And I am counting the days. Oh yes. I am. I need a break from these small people.

So, I'm off to start on some more cleaning/organizing. Because too soon, the baby will wake up and the kids will want lunch and then the tired meltdowns start. The window for productivity is only so big here.

I think I need more shelving

2011-09-28T14:30:00.003-05:00

I feel like I'm living under stacks of stuff. Olivia and the kids scatter stuff all over the house all day, so I don't even bother to try to keep her room and the living room from looking like a disaster area. But other areas are starting to bug me.

We suffer from a severe lack of storage here, and as a result, things get piled. Since there's not a "place" for everything, stuff just gets piled wherever there is space, and then there is NO organization. And then there's the daily mail, magazines, ads...stuff that is stupid clutter and just gets piled instead of filed or tossed.

Recently, this whole "new baby" thing became very real in my mind and I started to think about all the organization we NEED to do to make our third bedroom a livable space. And I'm more than a little overwhelmed. I feel the urge to buy large quantities of shelving and little plastic storage boxes.

We ARE thinking of having our screen porch enclosed to create a real room, and this will help, but mostly with getting bulky furniture out of the way. I may also have plans to make the children spend lots of time out there coloring, or whatever. I can shut the door and watch them through the glass. Ahhh...silence. 'Tis golden, my friends. If I can accomplish this, it will be well worth whatever we have to spend to put those walls in. Oh yes, it will.

In the meantime, I'm envisioning shelving everywhere. Mostly up high, away from the kids. I already have second, high shelves planned for the garage and the laundry room. They will be too high to access without a step ladder, but that's OK with me. I just need places to put stuff, ya know? I don't need to actually ACCESS the stuff all that often.

Must go deal with the very tired, non-napping child-of-mine.

This one is about my cycle. You have been warned.

2011-09-23T08:25:00.003-05:00

A year ago, when we finished surgeries and such, I started having hormones tested monthly to see if we could get them in the proper balance for (ha!) pregnancy. And, you know, for normalcy. Then I started changing my diet and feeling better and unintentionally losing weight and YAY! Right?

Enter Summer, A.K.A. the season when I got lazy. I started eating bread occasionally. Maybe once a day. You know, when I was busy or out and needed a quick meal (bread on a sandwich or something). And then people started bringing cookies and treats at my very-part-time summer job. And I'd indulge in one. ONE.

The scale...well it continued to show me that my weight loss was unaffected by these new dietary slip-ups. So I got sloppy. Lazy. Ate more grains when I wanted and didn't worry much about it. The scale continues to stay the same.

But my cycles aren't.

Granted, my cycles are screwed up. I have this weird spotting at the end that just NEVER. GOES. AWAY. Except that it used to be 4-5 days long. Now it's more like 8-10.

And where my cycles used to be 28-30 days in average, they are getting shorter. Disturbingly shorter. Last month was 26 days. This month was 21. TWENTY-ONE DAYS. That's three weeks, people. That is too short. Especially factoring in the first week as menstruation and the last week as spotting. I'm bleeding for 2/3 of my cycle?! That is NOT ok with me.

Here's the thing...I don't know terribly much about reading the medical cues in cycles, but from my experience, short cycles mean one of two things: Pre-menopause or endometriosis. I can't imagine being pre-menopause in my mid 30s. And we've proven my body's tendency toward endometriosis, the evil inflammatory condition that seems destined to take my reproductive organs from me. But I spent a lot of time (not to mention money) and endured a lot of pain to fix that problem last year, and I'm not giving them up without a fight.

All this is to say that I think, maybe, the problem is inflammation and my inability to control it without sticking to the diet. So *sigh* I guess that means that I'm going militant on my diet again. Goodbye, homemade cookies. Goodbye, bread. You taste great, but you are not worth all of this.

Blog? What blog?

2011-09-13T12:22:00.003-05:00

I've been busy. That seems to be a running theme here.

This past weekend, Joe and I and another couple led another Engaged Encounter weekend here, and it was fabulous. There's this whole new outline, and while it was a pain in the arse to re-write EVERYTHING and re-work the schedule, props, visual aids, etc, it did seem to flow better and relate better to the couples. Plus, a whole weekend away with my sweetie, who really steps up to the challenge and shows his brilliance on these weekends. I am blessed beyond measure.

So. That's finally over. Great weekend, lots of prep work. Good to be finished with that. Time to move on...

My house is a wreck. I may have ignored certain (all) housekeeping duties for the past, oh, four weeks or more. Time to start a list of projects. Having a list not only keeps me focused, but it helps the time move more quickly as we anticipate...

THE CRUISE! Joe and I are taking a cruise - sort of a work thing for him - in October. Olivia is staying home with grandparents. I am a little bit excited about this. We haven't been on a vacation alone for a good long while. It is time. I am looking forward to a week of relaxing, sleeping, eating, sunning, and generally not worrying about small, loud, messy, needy people. Oh yes. I am looking forward to this.

An anniversary, of sorts

2011-09-02T10:19:00.003-05:00

On Tuesday, Joe asked me if I remembered where I was a year ago. I answered, "Omaha, surgery" without even needing to think about it. Last year, the Summer bookend holidays of Memorial and Labor Day were both spent in Omaha or en route to that place where I went under the knife in an effort to erradicate the disease that threatened my reproductive organs and caused all kinds of life-altering symptoms. The surgery on August 30th was the biggie...the one that left me with a c-section-like scar and permanent numbness in my midsection. It was the long surgery in which the doctor basically cleaned up my whole reproductive system and did a little reconstruction. Endometriosis, in my case, had tied up my insides in a bad way.

August 30th also marked the beginning of the longest two weeks of my life, waiting out the healing between surgeries in Omaha while my little girl spent her time with grandparents, ten hours away. The first few days after surgery were painful, and the lack of energy after that was frustrating. But what was most difficult was being away from Olivia for such a long time.

Even though it was a hard wait and the second surgery turned out to cause me more recovery problems than the first (though it was supposed to be outpatient), and I wouldn't want to revisit that time or do it over, I am glad we did it. I feel better, all the time. There are things we discovered through this whole process that have led to treatments and diets and lifestyle changes that make me a happier, healthier person. I think this next two weeks, though, I will be most thankful just to be spending this time at home!

Learning, here and there

2011-08-31T09:59:00.003-05:00

I had a bit of a freak-out yesterday. Olivia has a hard time getting up for school. I can't blame her. It is at least an hour earlier than she normally wakes up. And she starts out the day with a freaking long bus ride, which is kind of boring.

But after dealing with her morning ritual of whining about the bus and how she'd rather stay home and play with the kids than go to school...well, something just snapped in me. I started researching preschool curricula for home, which led me to a bunch of research about starting organized learning too soon versus keeping kids in exploratory learning, which led me to wondering if she needed to go to school at all and are we ruining her love for learning by torturing her at an early age with a bus ride and will she end up hating school and therefore hating learning and GAH! It was too much for me.

So I messaged my husband, who talked me down from my freak-out. I was feeling better about it through the afternoon, but still a little concerned. I know this whole first semester is a bit of an experiment. Although she looks much older, she's still just three. But she's so social and loves being around other kids...it just seemed like the right step to start her in school a couple days a week. But was it?

Of course, the jury is still out, and probably will be until November-ish. But Olivia stepped off the bus talking about the fun day she had, and most of the rest of my anxieties disappeared. I know she hates being on the bus so long, but I can meet the bus in the afternoon in town (2 miles away) and cut a half-hour off her ride home. That might make a big difference in her least-favorite part of the day (she's almost the last kid off the bus). So. Give it some time, right?

I'm thinking about blogging about some of the things we are doing/learning at home too. She's so bright and inquisitive right now. I'm thinking we can learn at school AND at home. I like the school's approach to preschool...very hands-on, experiential learning. Very few worksheets/organized learning, which is good for that age. And we can certainly build on that at home.

For example, last night we were working on yet another landscape area that we are filling in with rock. Olivia climbed into the truck to fill up the rock bucket and found a "broken" rock that she asked about. It turned out to be a rock with a bunch of fossils in it. So after her bath, we looked up fossils and some youtube videos, which she watched closely. Then we looked at the fossils we had and thought about what they might have been...a fish, a lizard spine and a plant were our conclusions. It doesn't matter if we are right. The point is that we are thinking and imagining and understanding the world around us.

I just love how her brain works at this stage. She's such a bright kid. And she's so excited to go to school on Thursday because it's cowboy/cowgirl day and she gets to wear her boots and cowboy hat. So, freak-out over. For this week, anyway.

2011-08-26T15:21:00.003-05:00

Look at that...two weeks gone and I haven't posted a thing! Summer is busy. School/summer is busier.

In the past two weeks Olivia has had a love/hate relationship with the bus. First, she was SO EXCITED to ride the big yellow bus to school. That got old after a couple of long rides home on the hot bus (she's on for nearly 90 minutes in the afternoon). She even had a meltdown one morning because she did NOT want to ride the bus. She liked school, just not the bus. But the school is 20-some miles away and I have kids in my house, so if she was going to go to school, she'd HAVE to ride the bus.

So I called the school, and they agreed to give her a seat buddy. She's been sitting with a little girl in kindergarten (who, by the way, is smaller than she is and yes we are raising an Amazon). Now she gets excited about the bus again. Hooray!

In the meantime, I've been writing, writing, writing (just not here). We are presenting an Engaged Encounter weekend in a couple of weeks, and there's a new outline, which means new talks, and it's a lot of work. But it's nearly finished. YAY!

We cleaned up one of our landscaping beds this week and have it planted and ready for rock. Did that while the kids played in the backyard. We are squeezing productivity out of every minute here.

Also, I have new paint for my living spaces, but I haven't figured out when I'm going to have the time to get it on the walls. That requires kids (including mine) being somewhere else, and I haven't made arrangements for that just yet. We need a free weekend. Ha! And a babysitter.

Oh, and we are "active" with our adoption agency now. Which doesn't mean anything in everyday life, unless the phone rings and we get a match. Then things will get REALLY interesting.

School days

2011-08-11T08:37:00.003-05:00

This morning, at 7:05 a.m., I put my baby on the bus for her first day of school. Preschool, yes, but there's something about putting your kid on the BUS that makes it seem like such a milestone. She'll only be going two days a week, but she'll be going all day since the school (the only Catholic school in the county) is about 20 miles away and if she goes all day she can ride the bus with the big kids.

We stood on the driveway for about ten minutes and watched for the bus...her in her favorite purple polka-dotted shirt and backpack slung over her shoulders. She had no anxieties at all. She was READY. I've known this for months. She's so social, so ready to spend time with other kids in a structured environment. I have been ready...in theory. She's so independent and I wanted to encourage her to keep moving forward and learning and growing. But then the bus came by. And suddenly I wasn't just sending my child off to preschool. I was watching her become independent of me.

Maybe it's because of the full-time Mom thing, but this is just weird for me. I mean, I spend every day, all day with this kid. Except for occasions when we have a sitter (or when she spends the night with grandparents), she's been my fairly constant companion. Tagging along on shopping trips, doing what I do, her agenda set by mine. Now, she'll have a whole different set of experiences, and soon enough, an agenda of her own. She'll have her activities and sports and fundraisers and friends. It's all about growing more fully into the independent individual she already is.

I know she's excited. I am excited too. But also a little sad. My little girl is growing up.

Routine and active waiting.

2011-08-10T12:19:00.004-05:00

Today is my first day back to babysitting for the school year. Olivia is really enjoying having playmates again. REALLY ENJOYING. They are making up pretend games and having a grand old time. I managed to get five pints of tomatoes canned and read through our homestudy draft while they played the morning away.

Speaking of...our homestudy is complete! The report was emailed to us today for our review, and once we make the few edits that are necessary, it will be COMPLETE. Our profile (the picture-laden document that introduces us to birthparents) was finished last week. So we should be active by Monday.

Wow.

So. Now we wait. But actively, with our cell phones on and charged at all times. It's sort of a weird state of limbo.

Meanwhile, Olivia starts school tomorrow. Preschool, two days a week, all day. Since we've opted to send her to preschool at the Catholic school where we intend her to go for elementary school, and it's on the other side of the county, she'll ride the bus to and from preschool. And she is SO EXCITED. I am a little nervous. I hope she does well on the bus. I don't have many anxieties about the actual school day, but her behavior on the bus does concern me. Especially since she will be getting on the bus about an hour and a half earlier than she usually WAKES UP. We have not done very well in shifting her schedule to be ready for this change, but I guess she'll adjust...

I don't suppose I was really ready for the school year, but away we go...

Waiting

2011-08-02T08:35:00.003-05:00

Our homestudy should be finished in just a couple of weeks. We have done everything we need to do...now we just wait on the agency to finish the paperwork. And with their track record, we could have a match or even a placement within three months.

That is fast.

It seems like we've been waiting and waiting for years to add a baby to our family. We are ready. But we've also become so comfortable with life as it is that I'm sure it will be a shocking adjustment when it happens anyway.

I am excited with the anticipation of it all. And trying to enjoy every day we have left as a family of three while we still have this.

It's funny how change is so eagerly anticipated and yet bittersweet because it means forever changing what we are now. And what we are now is good, but not complete, I think.

Busy and writing

2011-07-29T08:47:00.004-05:00

This is the sixth post I've written this entire month. All I can say is that Summer is busy. Also, I've been spending most of my writing time knocking out new talks for Engaged Encounter, which has overhauled it's entire outline, ~~forcing~~ allowing all Engaged Encounter presenting teams to rewrite all of their talks. Goody.

No, really, it's a good thing. The outline was horribly outdated. It was originally written in the 1970s, and parts of it gave that away. Badly. So this is a good change. But a little inconvenient.

Anyway, we are presenting a weekend in September, and we had nine talks to write/rewrite. I have written drafts of seven talks. Joe still has to go through them to edit and add his own examples. But we are making progress.

I've had a lot of other writing projects this Summer. I had to do a very important report for our NFP center. And then there was the homestudy paperwork. All while Olivia is dying of Summer boredom and asking me to listen to her iPod, practice writing letters with her, watch her do a handstand, play Dora kitchen with her. The kid is sorely missing her friends. Luckily, she has been sleeping late (allowing me some computer time to get all of this writing done). And her friends will start coming back to babysitting in 12 days. She's so ready.

Guess what Summer project didn't get finished (or even started)? Painting. We still have n@ked baseboards from the Thanksgiving flooring project and walls that need a new color. I'm not sure when that will happen now...it's not that important really. It just feels weird sometimes to realize that it's sort of unfinished.

Olivia is calling. I'm supposed to be practicing letters with her. Gotta get on with my Summer duties.

Alfredo sausage stuffed peppers

2011-07-27T11:46:00.005-05:00

This recipe was inspired by my husband, who loves the alfredo sausage lasagne I make for him (tomato allergy). The alfredo sausage came from my grain-free no-tomato lasagne recipe. The instructions for the peppers came from my Grandma's meatloaf-stuffed peppers. The peppers came from my plot in Dad's garden. And they were YUMMY!

Start with as many peppers as you want to stuff. Six large would be good. I had nine small-ish ones. Cut out the tops and seeds, rinse, put in boiling water for five minutes, then arrange in baking dish.

Meanwhile, brown 2lbs of sausage (breakfast, italian, whatever you like. It really doesn't matter). Drain. Add alfredo sauce (from jar, or you can make your own, which is what I did). Heat through.

Stuff meat into peppers.

Cover dish (I used foil) and bake at 350 for 30 minutes. Remove cover and bake another 15 minutes. Enjoy!

Why travel sucks even though it is awesome

2011-07-26T10:56:00.005-05:00

I have what I think is a respiratory infection, which came on the heels of a nasty cold, which started in the midst of our long weekend of travel in mid-July during which we slept in hotels and spent hours in the car. This awful monster illness is eerily similar to what I got immediately following Spring Break week, when we took a short vacation trip. I think I am sensing a pattern...

When I have a cold, I feel like I am just waiting out life until things get back to normal. My energy is sapped. I have very little to offer Olivia, who is bored stiff and watching her upteenth episode of Disn#y Jr crap just to pass the time. I am so sorry, kid. I would love to take you to the pool or the park or, heck, the backyard. But the steamy, hot weather sends me into fits of coughing, and I'm just trying to keep breathing as it is. (Ok, let's face it...I would avoid the steamy hot weather even if I was well. But I might be more inclined to drive to the library or something.)

The thing is, I really look forward to trips. It is fun to plan and think about doing something out of the ordinary. It's good to have a diversion from the routine. But the price I pay...it just sucks.

Here's what I don't get...I am the only one getting sick. How is that possible? What makes me more susceptible to whatever germs we are encountering when the three of us travel together? And how can I fix that?

Ugh. There are no answers. I hate that I'm spending precious Summer time wasting away the days being sick. Babysitting resumes on August 10th. That's just two weeks away! Must get out of the house while we can!

So. We are going "to town" to buy canning jars and spices to make some dill pickles this afternoon. High excitement going on here.

Whoa, baby. Summer is busy.

2011-07-22T12:07:00.004-05:00

Geez. It's been almost three weeks since I posted. Whoever called it Summer "break" was seriously disturbed.

We have been busy. That is the understatement of the year. Our homestudy has taken off. In the last three weeks we have completed all of the paperwork, attended our homestudy interview and class, had our home visit, and now we sit on our hands and wait until the agency finishes our report. Probably about four weeks to activation. And away we go!

Olivia has been talking a lot about baby brother or sister. She often says she wants a baby brother AND sister. I tell her it's a tall order. She's been repeating that to everyone. "I'm going to have a baby brother and sister, but Mommy says it's a tall order, but that's OK." So. Possible, but not likely. But she can keep praying.

Meanwhile, Olivia seems to get the whole adoption thing. She knows that she grew in Miss Samantha's tummy and knows without a doubt that we are Mommy and Daddy. I guess that's good enough. I'm sure more questions will come with baby, but she seems to drink stuff in and process it pretty well, so I'm not really worried.

We spent last weekend in the car, mostly. We visited Joe's Grampa (10 hour drive), who just turned 95 and was having a big party. He is 95 but with the energy of most people in their 70s, and it's always fun to see him. We came home by way of my brother's house (5 hour drive), where we saw my niece in their local amateur circus. It was fabulous. It's really amazing what those kids do. Then we came home. Five days, four nights, four different hotels, more than 25 hours in the car. Olivia napped less than 90 minutes (total) in the car in ALL that time. But she slept well at night. And she was pretty well behaved in the car. The trip went so much better than expected, except for the "trip cold" I contracted that is now beating me down. *Sigh* The joys of traveling.

Today I'm processing garden produce and trying to rest and stay inside. IT IS HOT. We've had temps in the 90s and dew points in the 80s for, well, what seems like forever. Swimming doesn't even feel good now because most pools are now bath temperature, and the air is so damp that it just feels like pouring hot water over you in a steam bath. Yuck.

Olivia has picked this horribly humid time of year to decide that she wants to experiment with straight hair. So we bought a straight iron and tried. It started out straight-ish. Then after an hour outside it looked like this.
I won't even bother showing you what it looked like by the end of the day. Yikes! But it did give me an opportunity to trim the ends, making it infinitely easier to style. I didn't realize the ends were so damaged and tangled. I blame the hours in the pool.

Oh, speaking of the pool, while we were swimming in one of the hotel pools, Olivia decided to get brave and swim the entire length by herself! I was just a few steps in front of her the whole time, but still...she never needed me. Just jumped in at one end, swam underwater a few feet, then doggie-paddled to the end. The kid is a fish (no lessons, just inborn talent). Too bad the chlorine ruins her hair.

A very happy 4th

2011-07-04T23:04:00.003-05:00

Our last visit with Samantha went so well that we decided we wanted to invite her up to see our house and go with us to Local Theme Park. Today seemed to work out well for all of us, so plans were made and cleaning was done (because let's face it...when new people come over, we can't help but clean).

The day started out a little iffy. Samantha had trouble getting to sleep last night and was very, very tired. It rained all morning. But we held fast to our plans and charged forward.

She got here around 10 am, giving us plenty of time for her to play with Olivia in the house and backyard a bit before lunch. We had hoped for this because she hasn't been here, ever. She's never seen Olivia just be Olivia in her own environment. They had a great time. We ate lunch, got things ready and packed the car for our trip to Local Theme Park.

Our afternoon consisted of mostly waterpark attractions. The rain that hung around all morning disappeared by lunchtime, and by about 2 p.m. the sun had shown up and it was getting steamy. Perfect for a little water. Olivia found a new favorite ride...one she had been reluctant to try before (to say the least...she would melt down once she got to the front of the line and refuse to ride). But for some reason (maybe because she didn't want to back out in front of "Miss Samantha") she agreed to let me push her down this super tall water slide. And then we rode it 11 more times. Yeah. She loved it.

We stayed until the end of the day and then watched the fireworks display. Aside from Olivia freaking out a bit over the noise, it was a perfect end to a darn-near-perfect day. Many great memories were made for Olivia AND Samantha. I was thinking that this is what a good open adoption can be. So positive.

A very good day

2011-07-02T08:12:00.000-05:00

Joe took the day off Wednesday and we all got dolled up and headed "to town" to attend the ordination celebration for our new bishop. Big event. Lots of people. We were lucky enough to find some of our friends with preschoolers and sit with them, which helped Olivia (and the other kids) survive the nearly-three-hour liturgy.

It was beautiful. The kids were surprisingly well behaved. We left with our good humor still intact (which cannot often be said after certain behavior issues during a regular Sunday Mass, so this was definitely a win).

Close to the end of the liturgy, Joe whispered to ask me if we should call Samantha and see if she was available for a visit. So I texted her, and she promptly texted back, and an hour later we picked her up for what turned out to be the nicest visit we've probably ever had. We went out to eat (at a place that a bunch of our ordination-attending friends also coincidentally chose). Olivia was a little grumpy at first, having taken a 45-minute nap in Daddy's arms at the end of Mass and still not fully awake, but she perked up after a bit. It was relaxed and enjoyable, just like old friends catching up.

Our relationship with Samantha has not always been easy. She has had a lot of drama going on in her life, and it tends to cloud her ability to be fully present to Olivia when we see her. But Wednesday was great. I am really, really hoping for more visits like this one.

2011-06-27T14:18:00.002-05:00

Today is the first day in more than a week that we are home. Just home. Olivia hates it.

Last week, Olivia was at Vacation Bible School every morning for three hours. It was HEAVENLY to have three hours to myself every day, and I filled it with a lot of paper chasing (for the homestudy) and errands. As a reward for my "work" during those three hours, I showed up every day in time to watch Olivia and her new pals practice their Bible School songs. She left cheerful every day and was, overall, just easier to deal with. I'm thinking that morning bible school ROCKS and that she's TOTALLY ready for preschool.

Though I enjoyed my mornings alone last week, the addition of Bible School to our schedules did make life a little crazy. We had A LOT going on. And today, we have nothing. Also, it is raining. So I've done copious amounts of laundry and managed to FINALLY prepare my four heads of garden cabbage for fermenting. In six-to-eight weeks, we will be enjoying homemade sauerkraut. And I have more room in the fridge now that the cabbage is gone.

I've been cleaning and going through the pile of (non-adoption-related) paper on my desk and mostly just ignoring Olivia. She, in turn, has been making nonsensical and unnecessary requests every 30 seconds. I know she just wants my attention. But between the hectic schedule and the race to complete the adoption paperwork before our homestudy class next week (and we are almost done, yes, we are paperwork rockstars), I have done NOTHING in this house for more than a week. And it shows.

Here's hoping for a sunny day tomorrow and the freedom to get out and enjoy it!

It's Official! We are signed on for a pile of paperwork.

2011-06-17T09:03:00.002-05:00

We went to an information seminar for an adoption agency on Wednesday...an appointment we made several months ago when our homestudy expired and we decided to take a temporary break and then sign on with this other agency. While we had planned this as our starting point (again) for a few months, as it approached I began to feel more and more ready to get this thing going. It is high time we give our child a sibling.

Apparently, my husband was feeling the same way because after the mandatory seminar, he said, "Ok, who do we see to sign up?" We wrote a deposit check and were rewarded with a big stack of paperwork to complete in the next three weeks before our office interview and adoption class.

And away we go.

As I glanced through the paperwork, I felt sorry for the seminar attendees who were approaching adoption for the first time. This is our fourth homestudy, so we were well aware of the crazy scavenger hunt that is involved in the paperwork. And still, opening that packet was daunting. To be approaching this for the first time...I'm just glad I'm not back in that spot again.

Timeline...because of the program we chose and other factors in our life, we are looking at probably an average of 3-6 months from homestudy approval to placement. And this agency has a reputation of being pretty good at meeting those expectations while also providing stellar counseling and support to the birthmoms. It seemed like a pretty good fit after two years of "active waiting".

I'm excited. Are you?

The sun is wearing us all out

2011-06-08T15:50:00.004-05:00

Summer looks good on Olivia. Unfortunately, it has been hard on her mood. I think she's just plain worn out. The sun, the heat...she's just tired.

Today was Olivia's very first dance class. We switched from gymnastics for the Summer. It was in the morning, even. And she behaved atrociously. It was embarrassing. Everything she did made it obvious to me that she was tired. She didn't want to do the sequence, then she wanted to do a different song, then she wanted to use the pompoms, then she wanted to dictate the moves they'd be doing. And the instructor was out of her element and just let Olivia, a 3-year-old, take over her class.

I'm not sure we will be going back to dance class.

We came home, and she was a big ball of whine. I fed her at 11:15, let her watch the last 10 minutes of a movie and then MADE her lay down. She was asleep by noon and slept until I woke her up at 2:15.

Now, I will probably pay for that little piece of heaven we call naptime. But I just could NOT spend my whole day with Madamoiselle McCrabby.

As a contrast, this afternoon she cheerfully helped me slice fruits and veggies for dinner. She helped with the dishes. She played nicely by herself. And after dinner, we will take her to the waterpark and let her swim the wave pool until they close, hoping against all hope that the evening sun and water will wear her out for a normal bedtime.

We must figure out a Summer schedule that works. We must.

Beach baby

2011-06-03T14:26:00.004-05:00

Last week was most definitely Spring. There were thunderstorms every day and temperatures that struggled to go from cool to mild. Then the holiday weekend hit and the mercury started climbing steadily until it hit 90, and it has been camping out around there ever since then.

The very moment that my babysitting job ended for the season, Summer rushed in. And it appears to be here to stay.

I love Summer. Really I do. But here we are, a few days into this season of leisure, and already we've had a little too much sun and are wondering what to do with ourselves. Yes, there's always Local Theme Park, but it's hot and bright and the effort involved makes you feel like you have to spend a few hours there, and sometimes that is just too much.

We went outside around noon to play in the sandbox because Olivia was getting so restless in the house. Being stuck in the house makes her miss her playmates. Luckily, our playset stays shaded until about 1:00, so it seemed like a good idea to get out and play a little. Until I lifted the sandbox cover and disturbed the very comfortable little family of mice and their new nest.

Yuck. Yuck, yuck and so very icky.

After some quick thinking, I talked Olivia into packing up all of her sand toys so we could head to the beach. Our housing development is arranged around a series of lakes, one of which has a beach and swim area. I kind of hate lake swimming because of the living creatures and the seaweed. As it turns out, Olivia hates those things too. She desperately wanted to go off the diving board (which was being dominated by a bunch of loud, obnoxious teenage boys), but she was having a hard time getting past the ickies in the water, so I was spared that experience. We did get in the water a bit, and then I made a few castles which she proceeded to destroy with her shovel and toys, and it was a nice time. After about 90 minutes, we were full of sand and ready to go home and shower off.

I'll have to add this to my list of "free Summer activities that won't take all day".

Tonight: Her first pony ride at the newly-opened local stables. Not exactly free, but something fun she might like to do now and then.

I'm going to need to get better about planning Summer activities, or it is going to be a long Summer.

Camping

2011-05-31T09:04:00.007-05:00

We went camping this weekend, with my whole family. Except that we didn't really camp...we stayed in a local hotel. But my parents camped, and three of my siblings camped (the fourth one stayed in the hotel too), and we spent all of our waking hours at the camp, so it was like camping. Just without the sleeping-on-the-ground bit.

There was cornhole, washers, ladderball and badminton.

Also, playgrounds.
And chalk.

There was swimming.

And waterfalls in the woods.
There was also a constant campfire and camp food and riding bikes and scooters and hanging out and just generally enjoying the company of the whole family (some 20 of us). We are exhausted and a little sunburned, but it was a fabulous weekend overall.

Choosing Happiness - House

2011-05-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

My husband drives by this newish log home on his way home from work, and he noticed recently that there was a "For Sale" sign in front of it. So he looked it up on the realty site. And then he showed it to me. And now I'm dreaming (as in, I dreamed about it last night) about this 4 bedroom beauty with the hardwood floors and the real wood paneled walls and the big kitchen with the island and the huge master bath and the loft and the walkout basement and the four acres and the ridiculously low (for this house) asking price that is still about $70K more than we could reasonably afford.

*Sigh*

See, he does this to me...finds homes that are obviously superior to our own in one way or another and then shows them to me on the internet and asks me if I want to go see them. Not that we are in the market or anything. Just for curiosity's sake. And then I obsess about them and compare spaces for DAYS.

I have been wanting to sell this house and move pretty much since we moved in. It's a nice little house, but there is NO STORAGE. That's rough. But over the years, it has become obvious to me that the best financial decision we could make would be to stay put unless/until we HAD to move because of a job change or an issue of too few bedrooms. Well, my husband did change jobs, but within the same company, and we are still working on expanding our family beyond ONE child, so we really don't NEED to go anywhere yet.

So, I've decided to choose happiness with this house. We recently made some decisions that made this easier. We rid ourselves of the stained and dirty carpet in our living spaces and put in laminate flooring. It's prettier and makes the house feel, well, less dirty. We are going to repaint too, just to give the living spaces a fresh feel (and to match the oriental rug which had to relocate from our bedroom to the living room to keep down the echo).

And, whenever I start feeling like I want to move, I look at my favorite features of this house and imagine how I'd miss them. The screened porch is so nice, especially in weather like this. We can eat out there and enjoy the sounds of nature from the wooded lots around us. And my backyard, complete with playset. I'm very happy with our backyard.

Plus, the landscaping is so nice. Don't you think so?

Summer, summer, summer

2011-05-24T12:30:00.000-05:00

This weekend was BEAUTIFUL! Warm, but not scorching, sunny and breezy. We spent most of it at Local Theme Park. Olivia wore herself out.

This week is all that stands between me and Summer. I have four more days of babysitting left this school year. I have acquired a very part time summer job for a little extra summer cash, but it does not involve being responsible for other people's children. So having said job does not in any way deter from my sense of "vacation freedom".

I am looking forward to my trash can smelling like a trash can again and not like a sewer. I will not miss diapers this summer.

Diaper-related tangent - My 22-month-old babysitting charge pooped in the potty here yesterday. He sat on the potty a couple of times last week without actually doing anything. This was CHILD-LED. HE has been telling ME that he needs to potty for about a week, and this time he was actually successful in doing something. This blow me away for a couple of reasons. First, Olivia was nowhere NEAR ready to do that at 22 months...neither were ANY of my babysitting charges, who were all around her age at the time. Second, this little guy's older brother was TERRIFIED of using the potty at my house. He wouldn't even TRY until he had been potty trained at home for over six months. I guess that illustrates the difference in their personalities. Anyway, it has me excited that we might be able to cut down on the diaper tally in this house a bit by next school year.

This weekend, we are camping with my whole family. Lots of kids, lots of food, campfires and s'mores and grilling and such. Great kick-off to Summer. We just have to get through the next four days. I am not ashamed to tell you that, on this wet day, that means a lot of Little Einsteins (which, weirdly, is one of the few shows that grabs and keeps their attention). I'm just trying to get through, y'all. I have my eyes set on the weekend already.

The curse of endometriosis

2011-05-16T09:41:00.003-05:00

My cycle arrived yesterday with very little fanfare and then knocked me to my knees with a swift kick to the midsection around midnight.

The arrival of my cycle is not devastating to me. I hope for pregnancy, but I never expect it. I have been interested in the symptom changes I've experienced over the past five months of altered diet. While my cramping symptoms at the onset of my cycle have never disappeared, they seem to be milder and usually disappear completely with a quick dose of Naproxen.

At least until this month.

Let's just say that it took two doses of Naproxen and two extra strength Tylenol over the course of the first four hours of the night to finally dull the pain enough to sleep a few short hours before greeting my Monday with groggy reluctance.

This was pain. PAIN. The last time I recall feeling that kind of intense pain was in college. Last night, I spent the better part of my "quality sleep hours" (10pm-2am) alternately falling into my college pattern of praying for relief (pleasepleasepleasePLEASEmakeitstop) and thinking about/praying for women who actually suffer this kind of pain on a regular basis.

Endometriosis is a tricky thing. For some women, it barely manifests itself in outward physical symptoms at all. In others, it is devastatingly painful for part of all of their cycle. I have met women who have been on some pretty powerful hormonal contraceptives for YEARS just to keep the pain at bay. I have met others who have opted for hysterectomy, which doesn't always clear up the symptoms completely.

Despite my STRONG convictions against contraceptives and hysterectomy as a way to "treat" endometriosis, when I am in the throes of pain like I had last night, I cannot fault the women to turn to such treatments for relief. I can fault their doctors for not trying harder to treat the disease and give them nutritional counseling and/or strong anti-inflammatory drugs. But the women? THEY JUST WANT TO FEEL HUMAN AGAIN.

Endometriosis hides. These pockets of rogue endometrial tissue can be found just about anywhere in the abdominal cavity, and there are documented cases of it finding its way to other unlikely spots in the body. Even the best surgeon can miss spots of it if it migrates to unlikely places. And it responds to rises in estrogen just like the tissue does in the uterus. It gets inflamed and causes pain wherever it happens to be attaching itself. Thus, the anti-inflammatory diet.

I have a theory about my night-of-war-with-my-body. I have been avoiding milk and its associated estrogens, limiting my dairy to a few servings of cheese or sour cream per week. But this week, I've been experimenting with homemade ice cream in hopes of bringing it as my dessert contribution (with fresh strawberries) on our family camping vacation in a couple of weeks. On Thursday and again yesterday, I consumed somewhere around 3/4 cup of heavy whipping cream and milk. The estrogen hides in that milk fat. And I fed it to my system right before my period. Genius.

I think I'll make a shortcake for my strawberries instead.

And I'll be praying for those with debilitating endometriosis. It affects more than fertility in so many women.

Just a taste...

2011-05-12T12:23:00.000-05:00

Today was another one of those picture-perfect days where Spring feels enough like Summer to stir some excitement about the upcoming season, but still enough like Spring to be wonderfully comfortable.

The kids, they played some sort of creative pretend game in which they each starred as a Disney character. Olivia was Rapunzel. The rest were assigned characters including Snow White, Flynn Ryder, and two Agent Osos. I, apparently, was assigned to be Tiana. I'm not sure how these characters are supposed to fit together, but it didn't seem to matter to the kids.

The wee one got restless and kept wandering into other people's yards, so I decided to let him have his turn at the sandbox. It didn't take two seconds for the rest of the kids to join him.

(Also, I've been experimenting with photo editing and effects. Makes it easier to disguise the fact that Albert Pujols is sitting there in my sandbox. Oops...forget I said that...)

This is what Summer looks like in my memory of my youth...a bunch of kids lying around outside in sepia tone. Exchange Olivia and her pals with me and my siblings, and this could very well have been taken in 1980. Except it wasn't. It was taken this morning while Rapunzel, Snow White and Flynn Ryder were going to the castle to sleep before getting up to "drive the castle to work".

Told ya they were a creative bunch.

Catching up

2011-05-10T12:53:00.004-05:00

There's something about this time of year...we aren't actually busier, but it FEELS like we are. As a result, I've been neglecting my blog. So here's a quick and rather random update.

1. Since my last post, it rained about a dozen inches, which is something like a quarter of our total rainfall average for the whole year. As a result, we were stuck in the house forever...first because of the rain, and then because the lawn was too wet to play on. And then it stopped raining for a few days in a row and everything came to life! Just in time for Mother's Day.

2. Mother's Day was pretty good. It was sunny and beautiful. Olivia slept in until 9:00 a.m! Then she behaved herself in Church. That itself would have counted for a lot, but we weren't finished with the fun. After lunch, we popped on over to Local Theme Park (which opened on Saturday) for a little park fun. Because it was SO warm and sunny (and because I remembered to pack her a change of clothes) we let Olivia run through the spray park in her clothes.

She was quite excited about that.

All in all, a great day was had. We are quite ready for Summer to commence.

3. In April, we re-worked most of our landscaping, splitting and moving plants and putting in rock. There is one bed that we haven't touched yet and intend to re-work in the Fall, but every time I'm outside I think about what to do with it. Every Spring, I think I'm unhappy with this bed because it is SO lopsided when it starts coming up. All the tall irises are on one side. Random plants are scattered along the other side. It sits on a slope, so it's kind of weird anyway. But my original idea was that it be a dimension bed with lots of tall plants behind small plants so it looks very full and makes a pleasing display.

Today, I looked at the blooms and I realized that it kind of already does that.
See, this is the view from my kitchen window (weeds and all, I know, I know), which is how I oriented the bed in the first place...so I'd have something pleasing to look at while I did the dishes. The problem, however, is that it looks weird from all other angles. So, what do I do? Move plants around to even it out so it looks normal from outside? Or leave it like it is?

3. My life is awash in primary colors.
Very soon, several of the wee ones wearing the primary colors will stop coming to visit me on a daily basis, and then it will just be me and my primary gal.
And that just says it all, doesn't it? Dear Summer, we are ready for you!

The royals

2011-04-29T12:10:00.002-05:00

I have the royal wedding on DVR. My husband said, "Why do you care?" I said, "It's history, and having it on DVR means I can watch the actual wedding stuff and skip all the crap where reporters are watching the parade and making irritatingly stupid comments." Because that's pretty much all the reporters do. It would have been more fun to watch c-span-like coverage where you see everything but no one comments on anything.

Anyway, by the time we woke up this morning, they were parading around in a carriage and all there was to hear on any channel was reporters making stupid comments. So, this is on while I'm getting dressed, and I hear a reporter say something like, "As future heir to the throne, it is William's duty to marry and produce an heir." And my first thought was, "Gee, I hope they aren't infertile." Actually, that was my second thought. My first thought was, "Duh. Way to make the whole wedding sound completely unromantic by stating an obvious, yet unnecessary, fact."

(And yes, I know there are rumors that she's already pregnant, but I won't actually believe that until the Crown releases a statement to that effect. They have enough people speculating about their lives as it is.)

I wondered how that infertility scenario would play out. I know Angelina Jolie can adopt a dozen kids from wherever she wants because, you know, she's got the resources to do that. And yes, those kids become heirs to her estate, etc. But can you adopt an heir to a THRONE? I'm thinking, probably not.

It must suck to be royal. Like being an animal in a very large, very extravagant zoo. Lots of wealth and resources, but still caged in with the whole world watching your every move.

I wasn't aware

2011-04-28T08:24:00.003-05:00

Apparently, this week is Infertility Awareness Week. Somehow, this escaped my radar until Jen Fulwiler pointed it out here. Of course, it's not as if we are ever UNaware of our infertility here, so I guess it wasn't something that required special attention on our part.

Still, I had a conversation with a friend this week that plays into this theme. My friend has two small children, and for awhile thought she was "done". But we were talking about kids and adoption and foster care, and she said, "You know, I thought it would be nice to become a foster parent, but I really don't think I'm done having kids yet."

I was thinking, 'If I had normal fertility, I'm pretty sure I'd have a very difficult time ever deciding that I was "done" having kids.' How do you get to that point, exactly? I know there are couples with abundant fertility who get a little overburdened and weary worrying about whether they can navigate the NFP waters to successfully avoid further pregnancy. I just don't know what that looks like. It's not our experience and I can't adequately envision it. I'm sure it's just as big a cross as infertility is...just in a different way.

As it is, we are actively working the diet angle at improving fertility while also researching a new adoption agency and looking into the possibility of becoming foster parents. We are working very, very hard just to find a way to grow our family by one. This is what we know. It is our experience. And, since we are not made of money (and adoption is expensive), we realize that our family might be complete with two children. That foster care idea keeps popping up, so that might very likely be a way to grow our family someday, if we discern that we are truly called to it. No matter what happens, our family will look like nothing we ever envisioned. But God knows what our family picture looks like. And if we put our trust in Him, that's really all that matters.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-26T14:32:00.004-05:00

We'll get back to that choosing happiness topic soon. For now, I want to wish you all a very happy Easter season!

Why yes, that is chocolate under my lip. Thank you for asking.

Shamelessly plugging a friend's book

2011-04-21T11:55:00.003-05:00

So, I have this friend from high school who has four kids, and her second child had all kinds of anxiety about shots (his annual flu shot in particular). She looked around for a book to try to help him with his problem, and when she found none, she wrote her own. Here is the link to her book on Amazon. It is very creative and includes Chance's real life imaginary friends. (Ok that sounds like an oxymoron, but he actually had created imaginary friends to help him get through stuff, and she included them in her book.) Buy them for your kids! Buy them for your friends!

Today is Holy Thursday and the beginning of a three-day no-work weekend for us. I'm looking forward to Triduum services and no extra kids in the house for awhile. See you next week!

Choose happiness

2011-04-18T08:09:00.003-05:00

Happy Holy Week! It looks like it will be a stormy week in these parts, but we'll be decorating eggs and attending services and making preparations to celebrate the resurrection nonetheless.

I've had this topic churning around in my head for awhile and decided to make it a post (or series of posts) because it seems to define my personal philosophy at this point in life.

I remember talking to a friend a few years ago about our storage woes in this house. This was before Olivia came along, so we had more space than we do now and were already starting to feel crowded in this house. We'd accumulated stuff and created weird and disproportionate attachments to things that we did not need/use/even know we had. I kept thinking, if we just had a basement, or a bonus room, or a storage room...something. THEN we'd be happy with our house.

A friend of mine had a huge, sprawling house that was necessary for her large family, but it was a uniquely designed house and the set-up made certain aspects of life inconvenient. Bedrooms were in weird places, the laundry was downstairs, there was no physical way to corral kids into one room in the house because of the layout...it just made life a little difficult. They spent several years renovating where they could. And then she made a statement that stuck with me. "I finally decided to choose happiness with this house. It's large enough for my family, has a nice sized yard, is conveniently located...so we made changes to make things easier inside and then decided to be happy with it."

Choose happiness. That stuck with me. So often people are dissatisfied with their job or house or car or whatever. People spend so much time and money and effort moving and changing and buying, and so often they are still unsatisfied with their circumstances. We spend altogether too much time being unhappy and not enough time enjoying the blessings of what we have.

I had intentions of adding more to this post, but the kids are whining to go outside and today is probably the only day this week that we can. More on this topic later.

Things

2011-04-14T08:44:00.003-05:00

I'm crampy. Just another reminder that my body won't cooperate with its biological purpose for propogating the species. Good thing I'm not in charge of keeping the human race from extinction. I would suck at that job.

Back in February, when our homestudy expired, we decided to let it. We are taking a few months to return to the research phase on adoption and focus on diet and fertility, and then we can make a decision about what to do in the Fall. The idea was to be homestudy ready again by Olivia's birthday in November. I've had it in my mind that we'll probably sign up with a particular agency that is fast (and pricey). But over the last several weeks, I've seen and read many things about foster-to-adopt, and my thoughts are repeatedly pointed back in that direction. We've been hesitant to go that direction because of Olivia's age and the uncertainty of whether kids will stay or leave, plus the adjustment and attachment issues that often come with foster placements and older kids. But...I don't know. It's just there in my brain all the time. We'd probably only be interested in fostering little ones (younger than Olivia), but maybe there's a need for that. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and call someone to find out.

In the meantime, I'm still rockin' the diet, but sometimes I find myself wishing and hoping for pregnancy JUST so I have an excuse to eat whatever I want. My brain knows that it would be better for me and baby to keep eating this way if we ever achieve that ellusive pregnancy goal, but there's another part of me that is tired of forgoing cookies. If only I could find a really good dessert recipe that's easy, eats like a muffin or cake or cookie, and doesn't have any sugar or flour. Ha! There's an assignment for you! Have fun with that one.

On Easter baskets and Santa Claus

2011-04-11T14:06:00.002-05:00

To date, I have collected the following items for Olivia's Easter basket: A hula hoop (her request), a jump rope, three paint books, a box of peeps and a Cadbury egg. The last two items are simply because she loves marshmallows and no kid should live their whole life without experiencing the joy of Cadbury (otherwise I'd probably have skipped the sugar altogether). I will probably also pick up some Play-Doh accessories. Olivia really enjoys Play-Doh, and it's so colorful! And fun! And since we got rid of the carpet, I don't even have to worry about brightly colored bits of dried-up doh getting permanently stuck to the floor. Just sweep it up! Love it!

While Olivia WILL have an Easter basket, she will NOT be told that the Easter bunny brought it. The Easter bunny will not be visiting our house. Mommy and Daddy are giving gifts to our little girl to celebrate the Resurrection. It's as good an excuse as any (maybe better) to give gifts, right? But let's leave the Bunny out of it, shall we?

I am not one of those people who has a problem with Santa Claus. We live in a Christmas-themed town with statues of the jolly old elf everywhere, so avoiding him would be pretty pointless. Besides, he's based on St. Nicholas. St. Nick is OK with me. Some argue that belief in a made-up being can shatter a child's ability to believe in God, who is also unseen, once they grow old enough to realize and understand the myth that is Santa. But we "did" Santa as a kid, and we knew Jesus, and somehow, I never once doubted Jesus or my faith in Him. Perhaps this was because my entire family (immediate and extended) was steeped in our faith. Church was part of our life. The manger scene beneath the tree was always emphasized more than Santa. Santa was the guy who brought the party gifts for the big birthday celebration we threw every year for Jesus. We got it.

Easter is another story. It is the pinnacle of the Christian calendar. The big kahuna. If you are Christian and you observe nothing else all year, you should at least observe Easter. You can "bah-humbug" all over Christmas (not that I recommend that!), and you should still be moved by the celebration of the Resurrection. This is where it's at, people. This is what it's all about.

(Strange aside...I have a friend who works for a non-profit organization that receives free office space in a non-denominational church of some sort. Anyway, she overheard the church board voting on whether or not to have an Easter service. That information left me speechless. I'm still not sure what to say.)

So, the Easter bunny. I'm sorry...I just can't make that connection. As best I can tell, the Easter bunny has pre-Christian origins, is a symbol of Spring and fertility, and has nothing to do with the resurrection (except for a vague connection you might make with fertility and new life in Christ, but that seems like a stretch). And a bunny that lays (or delivers) eggs? It just seems a little ridiculous to me.

We won't have much difficulty, I'd imagine, in denying the existence (or avoiding the mention) of an Easter bunny. Even though you can find plenty of stuffed and chocolate bunnies in stores at the moment, popular culture doesn't talk a lot about the Easter bunny anymore. I think the word "Easter" is verboten. Something about openly advertising this undeniably Christian event is no longer acceptable. Not a problem that popular culture has with Christmas, but it seems we celebrate a "season" there and not actually an event that changed the course of human history. I guess "Tis the Season" doesn't have the same ring when you are celebrating Spring as it does when you are celebrating Winter...

Yes, on Easter we'll have a basket full of toys, with a little sugar added for good measure. We'll probably hunt eggs (real ones) because they are just so darned fun to decorate and make for a good seasonal craft project. Plus, they look awfully pretty in a centerpiece. But the heart of our celebration will be the Easter Vigil Mass (now that Olivia's old enough to survive a late evening Mass). It is beautiful, deeply moving and full of symbols that even young children can understand. This Mass tells the story of Christianity. I love that. And it kicks off a SEASON of Easter, which we continue to celebrate for weeks until Pentecost. I love that too.

And we'll leave the Bunny out of it. He's so unnecessary and confusing. So thanks, mythological gift-giving figures, but we'll handle this holiday on our own.

Crazy

2011-04-06T12:16:00.002-05:00

This week has been insane. I have a new one-year-old babysitting charge who started on Tuesday, my 2-day-a-week little girl is here for 4 days a week for the rest of the year, I have talks and presentations to prepare/revise for a weekend program I'm helping to present, and I have obligations every night this week. Add to that the fact that Olivia is boycotting naps, and, well, I have no time to get this stuff finished. So I'll see you next week.

Drawing the line

2011-04-02T10:00:00.001-05:00

We managed a very short visit with Olivia's birthmother last week. She's been through some stuff lately. And that was followed by more stuff, which I didn't mention here. Medically, physically, emotionally...she's had a lot of hard knocks in recent months. We like to drop in when we can since Olivia is a bright spot in her life.

She's healing and starting to make some positive changes in her life. Or at least talking about positive changes. Unfortunately, given recent history, I can't trust yet that all of that talk will lead to something real and lasting.

After our short visit (as in, later that day), I got a text from her saying something to this effect: "I am planning to get an apartment of my own soon and would love to keep Olivia by myself once in awhile. Maybe overnight. We can start slowly for Olivia's comfort."

I know her motivation. She doesn't see her other girls much. She just wants to spend time with Olivia and feel like a Mom once in awhile. I get that.

But my first thought was, "Holy crap. You can't be serious."

Quick history. We reconnected with Olivia's birthmother by phone last Spring. Olivia met her for the first time (since birth) on Mother's Day weekend last year. Since that time, birthmom's contact information has changed three times and her address has changed four times. We can't keep up with the drama happening in her life. But I know that while she is trying to change her own behavior, she hasn't been able to control the behavior of those with whom she lives/associates. And that has put her in harm's way more than a few times.

The text came while I was driving, and I didn't really feel the need or desire to answer it anytime soon. Apparently she got impatient, because she called that night and wanted to talk about it.

I told her we needed boundaries. She told me that she respected the fact that Joe and I are her parents, now and forever, and she would never want to change that. I told her we needed to think of Olivia's safety first and foremost. She said she would never do anything to put her in harm's way. I said I wasn't sure she could promise that when she had found herself in harm's way more often than I cared to remember in the last several months. She said, "But he's not really like that. I can't blame him for those times he got angry because I set him off by going a little crazy then. I'm better now."

As I'm writing this out, I'm recognizing it for what it is. She's a battered woman. And she allows it to go on.

She wants us (me and Joe) to go to dinner with them...her and him...next time we are in town. She wants us to spend some time with him and see what he's really like so we'll be comfortable leaving Olivia with her in the presence of him. Because he's in her life. But here's the problem. We've met him before. We've talked to him and he was always cordial and polite. He would be cordial and polite again. But that's not how is really is. We can't trust that he'd be that way in Olivia's presence. We can't even trust how SHE would act in Olivia's presence, away from us. And we can't trust that our daughter would be safe.

I know what we will/must do. I know that Olivia can have NO visits with her birthmother that aren't supervised by us. I am happy to pick birthmom up for visits, invite her to events, maybe even have her spend a night at our house someday. But she can't babysit. She can't have slumber parties or take her to the park by herself. I know she loves Olivia, but I just don't think I can trust her or her judgment. Not yet. Not by a long shot.

Now, how do I explain that to her?

The potty horror

2011-03-30T09:35:00.004-05:00

I'm procrastinating here, big time. There's something I should be focused on writing for a workshop we are leading in a couple of weeks, and I just don't feel like summoning the brain power to block out the kids and write it.

So let me tell you about my most recent parenting observation: Auto-flush toilets are evil devices of child torture.

Last night, we went to a parish Lenten program, and since we were in town we made a late run after the program to Department Superstore (you know which one) to grab some essentials. Olivia was tired but behaving pretty well, and we expected an easy bedtime wherein she would fall asleep in the car and be carried away to bed, the end. This plan required that we put her PJs on at the store and make sure she used the potty before getting in the car. Then, as we were heading to the car for PJs, she announced that she needed to potty. Perfect! We don't even have to fight the "I don't HAVE to potty" battle tonight.

Then we entered the stall and realized our mistake. Department Superstore has auto-flush toilets. Olivia took one look at that evil "eye" and hopped off the potty, declaring that she absolutely did NOT need to potty and would like to go to the car now, please. I tried to convince her to just sit up straight and it wouldn't flush until she was finished. She thought I was going to force her to sit on the Evil Potty of Doom and commenced shrieking as if I were pulling out her fingernails with a pair of pliers. I heard some murmurs from outside the stall and am fairly certain that the employees of Superstore were *thisclose* to calling CPS to report the crazy lady who was performing unspeakable torture on her child in the bathroom stall. Olivia was having THAT kind of crazy freak-out.

I finally convinced her that we just needed to change clothes so we could go to the car. We walked out quickly (I'm pretty sure some employees were staring daggers through me). Then we had to make a quick stop at a fast food place so she could go to the potty (which she still needed to do). After all that drama, she dropped off to sleep within five minutes. Lesson learned...do not attempt to use the potty at Department Superstore. The end.

Spring Break

2011-03-28T09:30:00.003-05:00

Last week was Spring Break, and we took a little 3-day vacation to get away from home. Not that there's anything wrong with home, but if we don't leave we end up doing housework and yardwork all week and ignoring Olivia's need for fun. So we went away. Olivia was excited.

Vacation! Yes!

We went to Nashville, Tennessee. The weather was beyond perfect...70s and sunny every day.

Olivia even got pretty good at riding in the car (not her strong suit). The ipod helped a lot, as did a few free magazines we picked up.

We did many things that were geared toward her. But her favorite activity? Bowling. Figures...the one thing we can find anywhere is exactly what she wants to do on vacation.

The downside was that I caught Olivia's demon-cold exactly the moment we arrived, so I spent all of vacation (and every day since) struggling to breathe through the congestion. Also, the weather here was perfect until the exact moment we came home. And then it snowed. Yes, folks. 70s on Wednesday, snowing on Friday. I was not amused.

Also last week, I took Olivia for a preschool visit to pre-register and see how she did sitting in on a class. SHE LOVED IT. She stood in line and followed instructions and participated in group activities. I think she is SOOOO ready. She'll start in the Fall, but I'm sure she'll be talking about it until then.

We are back to our babysitting routine today and getting back into the swing of things. April is going to be a busy, busy month.

My regular reminder arrived earlier this week

2011-03-19T13:42:00.002-05:00

I write this post in my head every month when I wake up in the middle of the night to take more muscle relaxers so the cramping will subside enough for me to fall back asleep. Even more than the obvious sign of bleeding, that cramping is my regular reminder that, once again, my body has failed to do what it is biologically designed to do.

I still hold out hope. The "why me?" thoughts don't plague my mind every minute of the day. In fact, I don't think about it much at all during the other 26 days of the cycle (which is why I tend to forget what my mid-night mental post was about when I wake up). But they do get me down when the cramping starts back up again those first two days. The hormone shift probably doesn't help, either.

I'm an optimist. Once the cramping stops, I start to look forward to those magical days of fertility when the possibility of new life opens up in my mind. Then after fertility, I greet each day of that 2ww with new optimism that maybe, just maybe this is the month for success!

And then it never is.

The diet. Yes, I am sure it is helping the symptoms, at least. It may help me avoid a recurrence of endometriosis. But the reason I am motivated to continue when I crave nothing more than a piece of toast and a glass of milk is the outside chance that the diet might be the breakthrough that leads to fertility. Without that hope, I would be hard-pressed to stay on the diet. Even though I feel great, and even though I have lost weight and have more energy. I really like food. And sweets. And bread. And milk. And cheese.

We leave for a three-day vacation tomorrow. Vacation eating is going to be...challenging. I have a feeling that I'll use a whole month's worth of diet cheats on these three days.

Spring Break!

2011-03-18T08:30:00.003-05:00

I'm watching a new little boy...the son of a friend...today as a favor for her. She's also considering sending both of her kids to me next year, so it's a good test to see how her little guy does. Well, apparently we shocked the bejeebers out of him because he was asleep when he got here and woke up to a strange house and strange people and has been silently sobbing ever since. I tried to get him to play, but he just wants to sit on my lap and feel sorry for himself. So I took the "let's sit at the computer until you are bored out of your skull and want to get down and play" tactic. Thus, the blogging.

All of my babysitting kids are on Spring break next week, which means we are on Spring break! We have such plans. Tonight, we were invited to enjoy Princesses on Ice, courtesy of a friend who won tickets on the radio or something. Olivia is beyond excited. She gets to dress up like a princess AND spend time with one of her little pals. I'm excited because I get to spend time with my friend, her little pal's Mommy, so we all win!

Sunday, we are heading to Nashville for a few days, where we will hunt down child-friendly activities and (here's Olivia's favorite part) stay in a HOTEL that has a POOL. Seriously, the excitement is hard for her to contain.

Then it's back home for a preschool tour on Thursday and fun with local friends on Friday. Full week.

The wee one is starting to show interest in playing. I think we'll go sit on the floor and see what happens.

The diet, improved

2011-03-17T14:49:00.002-05:00

Remember the diet that my doctor recommended post-surgery for improved fertility? Well, over the past couple of months I've been doing my own research and have expanded and improved upon it a little. And, thanks to Katie at Wellness Mama, I am attempting to go grain free and see how that helps. I have found some really fabulous recipes on her site, as well as A LOT of research and support to keep me going. And now, she's sponsoring a giveaway of a product that I really want to try. Go, enter the giveaway, read her articles, use some recipes and get healthy!

Lent and my landscaping

2011-03-14T12:27:00.003-05:00

Daylight savings time is here!!! When I was a kid, I used to like "Fall back" better than "Spring forward" because of the *extra* hour of sleep. Now, it's the other way around...I'd MUCH rather have that extra hour of daylight at the end of the day. So much. And I made use of every hour until dark yesterday.

This weekend was beautiful, so we spent nearly every possible moment in the landscaping. We have a rather ambitious project going on this year. We are replacing all of our mulch with rock. This requires removal of old mulch and, often, removal and replacement of weed blanket. Since a good number of our plants (irises and hostas) really needed to be split, I just took them all out before re-blanketing and then re-planted the split plants. We are about 30% finished with bed preparation (for rock) after this weekend. My muscles hurt and my head is screaming...an unfortunate side effect from all the work in the dirt. But I can't tell you how much I LOVE working in the dirt and seeing the beginning promises of Spring popping up out of the ground as they do every year.

I love how this season of the Church reflects this season of nature. Lent is a time of repentance and renewal...rooting out some things in our lives that separate us from Christ in order that we might have a deeper experience of new life in Him. I like to think about that as I pull out all the dead leaves and branches to make way for the new greenery just starting to grow beneath. As I'm pruning and splitting plants, I am reminded that it is this cutting off and breaking apart that allows the plants to grow bigger, healthier and more beautiful. It's a nice image for reflection during Lent.

This Tuesday is so Fat

2011-03-08T09:42:00.004-06:00

Ash Wednesday is tomorrow. I feel a little bit like we forgot about Lent altogether this year. I mean, it's March. We should have started this thing by now. Late Easter really throws me off.

My husband just happened to be on business in New Orleans last week, wrapping up on the very first day of the week-long celebration of Mardi Gras. He had the privilege of being in town before the craziness, but just in time to see the first parade and get a taste of the revelry. He brought home some masks, beads and a coin. I suppose we should pose with them and take a picture today. Instead, I will probably just find some sort of recipe to use up the leftover meat in my fridge and eat a little extra tonight.

Most people try to give something up for Lent. This, I think, is problematic. I know too many people who use this season as an excuse to go on a diet, and that's really not the point. The point is to remove something that is in the way of your relationship with Christ...or, alternately, to work on some area of your life that will help you become closer to Christ. While fasting from something does often help to draw our attention back to our relationship with Christ, I have a hard time seeing a fast from chocolate or soft drinks as much of a fast. (Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that I've pretty much given up both as a part of this anti-inflammatory diet and don't have much craving for either anyway. Maybe it IS just me.)

As a family, we will likely be abstaining from meat for the duration. Except Sundays. Sundays are exempt as each Sunday is a celebration of Easter. So, meat on Sundays, fish and chick peas the rest of the week. I have a feeling we'll be making/eating a lot of meatless lentil and/or bean soup. After all, we don't want Olivia to starve. She won't eat salad, but she LOVES lentils and beans. Go figure.

On my own, I've decided to avoid the library. That sounds silly, but novels are my escape, sometimes to the neglect of other important chores. I've been reading through the entire collection of Christian novels by Kristen Heitzmann...have you read her? She's excellent. Many of her main characters are Catholic, which appeals to me, but also has a couple series of novels set in the old West. Something about historical novels really appeals to me. I enjoy them immensely.

But, again, the escapism...probably not a good thing. So, I've decided to fill my reading time/need with spiritual reading instead. We have an abundance of stuff in our own personal library...stuff we've collected but haven't necessarily read. I'll start there and see how it goes.

I'm also going to try to fast from the internet on fasting days (tomorrow and all Fridays). That may be a challenge...

I am celebrating Fat Tuesday by indulging in girl scout cookies. I haven't had a cookie in two months, and somehow they don't taste the same. Guess sugar doesn't have a hold on me anymore. Here's hoping that the same can be said for other vices at the end of Lent.

Outdoorsy

2011-03-03T13:38:00.002-06:00

We have had a few days of sunshine in a row here, and although it is wet and mushy, I have found a way to get the kids outside for at least an hour the past three days. I'm noticing that the flower beds where I worked clearing mulch a couple of weeks ago are suddenly springing forth with life. Green is popping up everywhere, and I feel the need to start getting into Spring landscape project mode.

This year I have a mind to rip everything out and replant. We are replacing our mulch with rock this year, so established plants will stay put. But the daylillies and irises and hostas need to be split, so I've decided to dig most of them out, replace the weed blanket and replant/reorganize the beds.

Every year at this time I face a dilemma...what to do about the daylillies. They are abundant, but I never, ever get to see them bloom. We have a serious pest problem around here called deer. And the deer think my daylilly beds are their own personal buffet.

I was inspired today by my plant hanger that holds a wind chime...perhaps if I put such hangers and chimes in high-volume-daylilly areas it might scare off the deer. I wonder if anyone has tried this. I really, REALLY don't want to have to fence the beds with chicken wire or anything because it seems to defeat the purpose of a flower bed for beautifying the lawn. But I want to see those suckers bloom, dang it! My mom has splits of all my varieties, and they bloom in abundance. That is what I want!!! How do I get that in this blasted deer sanctuary?!

I'm off to try to convince Olivia to clear out some beds with me for the duration of the boys' naptime. Quiet time outside is easier than quiet time inside on a day like today.

Post-illness re-training

2011-03-01T14:38:00.003-06:00

The stomach-virus-from-hell finally departed our poor child on Sunday, which was the first day that she felt like playing and being off the couch. Six straight days of nausea and whining demands from her couch position...it was exhausting for all of us. And now she's back to her normal self. The end.

The babysitting kids are all back this week, which has been good and bad. The boys are typically a delight. They have their moments, but for the most part they are instruct-able when they get out of line.

Olivia, of course, has her issues. She's a high maintenance kid and always has been, so I've always had to take a pretty hard line on discipline and make sure to remain consistent all the time. She knows what kind of behavior is tolerated and what is not, and when she misbehaves or gives me attitude, she can't go back to playing until she corrects the behavior...or the attitude. Pouting is not allowed.

We are doing a little re-training this week because of all the allowances made during sick week, where we catered to her every pitiful need. She's adjusting to re-training fairly well, if a little slowly.

And then there's the other little girl in my charge. She is only here two or three days a week, and when there's a weekend (or a sick week), sometimes she also requires a bit of re-training. Her issue is pouting or crying when she doesn't get her way. As with all pouting and crying, I demand that she has to remove herself from the group until she can give me a good attitude. For her, it is REALLY hard and usually requires at least a half hour of screaming at the top of her lungs before she settles down.

As you can imagine, such screaming is disruptive to the rest of the household and more than my nerves can take. So once she commences screaming, she is moved to the nap room where she must stay by herself until she calms down.

You'd think that, after a few such scream sessions, she'd figure out that all she has to do to return to playing is to stop screaming and apologize/play nicely/stop pouting. But it doesn't seem to be sinking in. It makes me wonder what she gets away with at home.

So. That is what we are dealing with today. Thank goodness the sun is out and we managed to get out in it for an hour. I needed the Vitamin D and mood boost.

Go see some pictures of happier times

2011-02-24T16:19:00.002-06:00

Olivia has been spending her week intermittently writhing in stomach pain and taking naps.
I did not mean to take nearly a whole week off, and this is certainly not how we would have chosen to spend a week off, but here we are. So go here for pictures of last weekend...a happier time.

Stomach bug

2011-02-22T14:45:00.002-06:00

Gah! We got home from gymnastics last night and immediately Olivia started complaining of stomach pain. She's been intermittently throwing up since. So far, this illness very closely resembles the last stomach bug she had, which lasted two days and for which there was NOTHING to do but try to keep her hydrated and try to keep her from eating. Hard to do when all she does is beg for food and then throw it back up. I have tried convincing her that food is not a good thing for her to have right now, but she's just SO hungry and feeling weak and limp and HATES it.

I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Sunshiny day

2011-02-16T14:06:00.002-06:00

Oh, friends, it is sunny today and upper 60s, and it feels SO GOOD. Never mind that I have one of those nasty allergy headaches from being outside yesterday. I wasn't going to let a little thing like pain ruin the first real Spring-like day of the year.

I only have one additional child in my charge today, which meant a greater chance for peaceful play and a smaller chance of needing to intervene or help in any way. I got out my wheelbarrow and spade and started digging mulch out of the flower beds on the corners of the play yard. The girls helped for about ten minutes, then they got bored and went back to their play. That was fine with me. Playing in the dirt (a.k.a. landscaping project work) is my catharsis. I'm constantly reassessing the area while I work and thinking of new ideas and ways to change or improve it. I'm not sure I decided on anything, but just the process has me excited about jumping into outdoor Spring projects.

It looks like I'm going to be investing in copious amounts of sinus/allergy headache medicine. I refuse to sit Spring out this year like I had to last year. I want to get out and enjoy it!

Big girl

2011-02-14T10:09:00.003-06:00

Olivia spent Friday night at Grandma and Grandpa's house, without paci and without incident. She accidentally left blankie behind and didn't even notice...at all. She was so exhausted after all her Saturday fun with Grandma and Grandpa and FINALLY getting to play outside on the first warmish day we've seen in a long time, and she fell asleep while reading books with Daddy on the couch at 7:15!!

Our girl has been "night trained" for five months, which just means that she wears undies to bed because she has an iron bladder and doesn't need a pull-up. In five months we've had three bedtime accidents, but NO mid-night potty usage. What this means, of course, is that typically she sleeps through the whole night without needing to use the potty. On those rare occasions where she does, she has peed in her bed.

On Saturday night, she woke herself up shortly after midnight, used the potty, and then came to tell me she had used the potty and would I put her back in bed please? I did, left the room for two minutes, and came back to find her fast asleep. I'm amazed on so many levels...waking herself up to potty without having been "taught" that, going by herself in the middle of the night, not freaking out about the monsters she typically sees in the middle of the night, falling asleep peacefully and quickly after being wide awake and without paci...

I think we can officially call her a big girl now.

The paci fairy

2011-02-10T11:46:00.004-06:00

Here we are, ten days into the "no-paci zone", and I feel it is safe to say it has been a success. It has also been a challenge.

It was Groundhog day, a cold and gray day when famous Phil did NOT see his shadow (yay!), and when it was time for nap, paci was nowhere to be found. Olivia and I looked and looked, and then I got a brilliant flash of an idea and started telling her that the paci fairy must have decided it was "time". Enter incredibly creative and impromptu explanation of the paci fairy (into which very little forethought was invested). We decided to skip nap that day and worth through the first phase of her grieving process (I also spent a good deal of time actually locating the missing paci while Olivia wasn't paying attention...had to follow through, and a "found" paci would have blown the whole mission). We did some painting and coloring and such, and every once in awhile Olivia would moan about wanting paci, and we'd go through the story again and it passed.

That night, bedtime was much harder than most no-nap days. She fought sleep for something like 90 minutes, which is not unheard-of on a nap day when she is feeling particularly defiant. But on a no-nap day, she is usually out in ten minutes. That night, she fought sleep and mourned the missing paci for a LONG time before she finally just passed out.

I say mourned because that is truly what it looked like. She cried and held me and needed comfort as if she'd lost her very best friend in the world. She wanted to bargain with paci fairy. I told her that paci fairy sometimes watches to see how well big girls do without their pacis and then will leave little treats of encouragement. That seemed to cheer her a little. But then she decided that she didn't WANT treats...she wanted paci. So that first night was just hard.

My biggest fear was that she'd sleep half of the night and then wake up and not be able to go back to sleep without paci. But that didn't happen. In fact, she has slept through the night every night since then. I'm sure the sheer exhaustion of totally giving up nap has assisted in our success, but so far I don't have too many complaints.

Olivia woke up on Feb 3rd to a note from the paci and a chocolate treat. There was more mourning at tired times and at bedtime on the second and third days, but both nights she was asleep within 15 minutes of going to bed. By the fourth night, she was compliant with our requests (mostly) to settle down and go to sleep without begging for paci. Now she simply doesn't ask about paci anymore except to inquire if the fairy would leave her another treat. (We've found that chocolate and notes are great motivators for her!)

Paci fairy will be making her exit this weekend with a big-ticket "prize" for officially growing up and being a big girl. I assembled a new hot wheels vehicle of some sort, and the weather will finally cooperate with her using it outside on Saturday.

One thing I did NOT expect through this whole thing...the lack of dependence on blankie. I was expecting blankie to stay around awhile and comfort her through the whole paci thing. For the first few days, though, Olivia didn't want anything to do with blankie until AFTER she was asleep (when I would sneak it into her hands for tactile comfort). Now she will hold and finger it a bit for the less-than-two minutes it takes her to fall asleep. But it stays in bed when she gets up. She no longer NEEDS it. This is huge.

Despite the fact that I miss my nap "break", this has undoubtedly been a good change. To illustrate this point, here's a before and after:

Before: Paci/Blankie were demanded every time Olivia felt wronged or hurt or upset, and these demands were happening several times a day. She'd take paci/blankie and retreat to a corner to sulk.

After: She has learned to cope better. I have to break up fewer fights, negotiate fewer toy sharings and in general interfere in their play less. Olivia GETS ALONG BETTER with others.

Before: Olivia would get up from bed and lay on the couch with paci/blankie for at least a half hour before agreeing to eat/play/talk. She was usually grumpy.

After: She gets up, leaves blankie behind in bed and typically comes straight to the kitchen to request breakfast. She sometimes lays on the couch, but she is generally in a pleasant mood.

Before: Long car rides would induce screaming fits if paci/blankie were inadvertently left behind. Such fits would continue until we reached our destination or she passed out. This was NOT pleasant.

After: During long car rides, if she gets tired she just stares out the window quietly, trying to stay awake. Sometimes she falls asleep, but it has thus far been peaceful.

These are just a few examples of the positive changes I've seen. In addition...she's fairly pleasant ALL DAY, despite not having a nap. I don't know if it's exhaustion or if she is just a grumpy napper, but many days she'd behave horribly AFTER nap...worse than she ever did in the mornings. Now she seems more even-tempered and calm and easier to get to do...anything. She pays attention better. It's like my incredibly difficult child has just become...a normal three-year-old.

If I had known how nice life would be without paci, I would have pushed this change a LONG time ago.

The diet

2011-02-07T12:55:00.004-06:00

Today I tried mustard greens for the first time. Since I had to give up milk and don't want to lose my super-human bone density, I need alternate sources of calcium. Mustard greens are a good source of calcium and vitamins A and C, so I thought they were worth a try. They were...uninspiring. At least the way I prepared them. Palatable, but uninspiring.

Such is life. I'm actually adjusting fairly well to the new diet. Avoiding actual sugar isn't that hard when I can substitute with sweet fruits, stevia and agave nectar. And I don't actually NEED as much by way of sweets if I fill up on bean or lentil soups (yum!) and salads, which have become staples. Luckily, Olivia actually really likes both lentil soup and any kind of bean soup, so I can feed my family some of the same things. And I don't feel guilty eating whenever I want because what I'm eating between meals...fruits, veggies, nut butters...is not going to make me gain weight. It's all about the glycemic index, baby. I'm learning to keep my insulin level so my body works better.

I still have a wee bit of dairy now and then, in the form of butter or those cheeses that get snuck into super-yummy things (pesto), but I figure that the overall effect is what we are going for.

The hardest part is figuring out exactly which diet to use. I've read lots of things from lots of different sources, and while some of the info is the same (eat fruits and veggies, duh), there is a lot of contradiction over various protein sources and, of all weirdness, grains. The book I'm following closest says whole grains are great. But I found a site this week that said avoid ALL grains. Both sources claim to have helped women overcome infertility using their diet recommendations. It's so confusing.

I think maybe I need to stop reading.

I have decided to commit to this until Summer's end, at least. We shall see what several months of diet overhall can do...

FOUR posts in one week! Can you believe it?

2011-02-04T09:41:00.003-06:00

I managed to post nearly every day this week. Wow. Must be coming out of the winter funk. Maybe it's the fact that we've gone a whole week without a snow day and I'm finally feeling like we are on something of a regular routine again. At any rate, here are four random thoughts to celebrate my four posts this week...

1. I have this friend who has a son who was deathly afraid of getting a flu shot. She searched high and low for a book to help him through his fears. Not finding one, she decided to write one herself. It was just published! Go here to buy it. Go! Now!

2. When our cell phone contract was up with our old provider, we switched to a pay-as-you-go option. We got free phones online and pay $30/month for 1000 minutes and 1000 texts (if you research plans, you'll know what we got). I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER WITH THIS PLAN. There are no hidden fees! No accidentally-incurred charges (if you don't subscribe to it, you can't access it...awesome)! And we get MORE talk time AND text (which wasn't on our old plan). I can't figure out why more people aren't doing this.

3. We are giving a presentation on the Sacrament of Marriage at an RCIA program this weekend. I wrote the talk and my husband put together the awesome powerpoint presentation. I hope it goes well. It was rather difficult to motivate my brain to think in terms of writing a presentation...and I used to do this with some frequency. I think that part of my brain has started to atrophy.

4. Today is day 3 of no paci. I'll dedicate a post to that sometime. (I know the suspense is killing you...ha!) But for now, exhaustion is the key. And chocolate treats from the paci fairy, who is acting as a daily cheerleader with her notes and little bits of chocolately goodness. Let's just say that after two days with no nap, Olivia fell asleep last night in under a half-hour (good on any day) and slept ELEVEN HOURS, uninterrupted, without paci. There was minimal sadness and whining. I'm not sure how we will reintroduce nap (which she does sometimes need), but we'll deal with that when we must.

Crayola craft distraction

2011-02-03T15:15:00.005-06:00

Today, we skipped nap for the second day in a row. It may have had something to do with the recent visit of the paci fairy, which I will discuss in a later post, when it's not so traumatic and just a distant memory (and a successful outcome). At any rate, I've found it necessary to wear the child out so she will go to bed tonight, so we stayed up and did crafts instead of napping.

While I enjoy crafts, I'm not terribly creative, so I stole these ideas from my cousin. Go check out her post on this Valentine garland. She is very creative.

First, take old crayons...preferably pinks, purples and reds. Shave little pieces off. I think this would have worked better with a pencil sharpener, but I used a pocket knife. The end result is a little, um, chunky as a result. But still pretty.

Sprinkle the shavings onto a piece of wax paper. Give a cheesy smile to the camera.

Cover with another piece of wax paper, then cover with a towel. Iron on medium heat.

Using cookie cutters, trace hearts. Cut out hearts. Tape/staple/string hearts together however you want.

Voila! Valentine hearts for your window. They look pretty when the light shines on them. This was a craft for Grammy's birthday (shhh...don't tell her!), but it works, of course, for Valentine's Day too.

While I was ironing/tracing/cutting/assembling, Olivia was charged with sorting the rest of the broken crayons by color into a muffin pan (another of my cousin's projects). She took this task very seriously and did an excellent job. Make sure you line your muffin pan with at least two and probably three muffin cups per space. This will keep wax from seeping into your pan.
Get ready for meltdown to make unique new crayons.

Bake at 275 for about 15 minutes or until melted.

Let cool, then pop those new crayons out. We made color families and also a few multicolored ones. The only problem was mixing different crayon brands...the wax seemed to have a different consistency. So these seem to break apart pretty easily. We can still save them for shaving and make Spring flower garlands similar to the hearts above. That might be fun.
Now it is time to go outside and get some Vitamin D. It may be 20 degrees, but I need some sunshine if I'm going to live through Olivia's paci withdrawal.

My cold-weather daydream

2011-02-02T12:17:00.003-06:00

The nice thing about watching school teachers' kids is that we have a built-in week off in March. The unfortunate thing is that this week is commonly mis-named "Spring" break. I don't know about the rest of you, but whatever week in March is chosen as break is, inevitably, the coldest week in the whole month of March. Last year we "vacationed" locally. It was, well, uninspiring.

So my thoughts are traveling South...specifically, to Phoenix. My husband searched the web a couple of weeks ago to price ideas for a beach getaway to NC or FL. We would opt to drive to either of those locations, and I don't relish the idea of a dozen hours in the car with Olivia. She starts whining after 45 minutes...90 if we are REALLY lucky. Spending more than four hours in the car with her at a time is physically painful. For all of us.

Phoenix is FAR. It's a bit of a plane ride, but google maps measures the driving time in terms of days, not hours (as in, one day and some hours in the car...continuously). So we'd have no choice but to fly. Which, honestly, is fine with me. I'd rather spend half a day in travel than a whole day on the road. That's the kind of thing that requires an extra day of recovery, and who wants to spend their vacation recovering from their travel?

Plus, the environment of Phoenix doesn't seem to make my head want to explode. I love Spring, but honestly it's so hard on my head when things start to bloom. I hate allergies.

We vacationed in Phoenix in early March not long after we were married...maybe a year. It was sunny and warm and everything that home was NOT. Of course, we were childless at the time, but I kept thinking, "This would be a good place to bring kids."

So I did a quick google search today and found that I was right. First of all, there's Spring Training baseball. We took in a game last time we were there. Major league teams in tiny local ballparks. Inexpensive! Fun! Warm! What more could you want?

Then there are these places. Some educational. Some beautiful. Some things just meant for kids. Plenty to fill a week, right? And then, of course, there is the pool. Wherever we stay, there is bound to be a pool.

So, anyone have a couple thousand extra dollars for plane and rental car? We've spent a good deal of dough on medical travel in the last year, and while a week-long getaway in a warm and sunny locale sounds DIVINE, I figure out how to justify the expense. Especially when Summer is just around the corner. The very long, interminable corner.

I'm suffering some serious Spring fever. And cabin fever. Does it show?

Just some things

2011-02-01T13:57:00.003-06:00

I've been a bad blogger lately. I keep thinking of little snippets of things that I'd like to say, but nothing of any substance.

We've been rocking the new diet lately. I found a new book that is SO helpful in narrowing down the best types of food to eat and supplements to take for my particular condition. The book is here. It is authored by a reproductive endocrinologist and a specialist in Traditional Chinese Medicine. It sounds SO not like the kind of book I'd like, but it is really helpful. The doctor was once involved in IVF and didn't like it because he felt like he was "playing God" so he started looking for ways to improve a woman's fertility so that pregnancy could occur in the usual way. Although he argues pretty strongly for IVF as an absolute LAST resort after trying to fix fertility surgically, hormonally and with improved nutrition, he does also refer for and help couples prepare their bodies for IVF. Unfortunately, given my beliefs about life and how IVF factors into that, I would have a very hard time recommending this book to just anyone. But for the nutrition help, it is definitely worth a read. I have even found the Chinese medicine stuff (herbs and supplements) to be helpful! And best of all, it takes the view that "80% is perfection"...meaning that I'm ALLOWED to cheat on my diet once in awhile. We are looking for overall change and effect, not absolute adherence to the "rules". I can't tell you how freeing that was!!

We've been researching adoption agencies lately. Our current agency isn't getting us anywhere, and at the end of this month our homestudy expires and we will have been with them for two years with no talk of a match. We've decided to let it lie for several months...work the new diet and see how it affects hormones and fertility. If we get to the Fall and things still aren't looking up in the fertility area, we have a new agency in mind that is FAST. Expensive, but fast. They have a good reputation and are very good about counseling and support of birth parents, so I think it will be worth the extra money to work with them.

In the meantime...anyone have any ideas about how to get a very-security-item-dependent three-year-old to kick the paci habit? It's well past time, but she cannot settle down without it (and blankie, but blankie can stay awhile). At this point, one without the other just won't cut it. If we get in the car and forget paci and blankie, and she gets tired or upset, she WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING until she passes out from sheer exhaustion. She's old enough (and verbal enough) to deliver very involved monologues about why she NEEDS these things and how they make her feel better. She will use all of her powers of persuasion to make them appear out of thin air. She refuses to accept that they are not (even temporarily) available to her at her need.

But a kid at her age should be able to soothe herself without something sticking in her mouth, right?

Changes

2011-01-25T14:45:00.003-06:00

Well. After spending most of yesterday morning with a perpetual feeling of motion sickness, I called the doctor to see if it was normal and also OK for me to live with these symptoms for the duration of the antibiotics (3 weeks). He said it was not. We might try something different next cycle, but for now I'm getting my taste buds back. Slowly. I'm realizing this because I ate an apple from a bag that I had all but given up as disgusting, and it tasted good. All other apples I've eaten from this bag (bought after starting the pills) tasted awful. So maybe it wasn't the apples.

A couple of weeks ago, we opened a new bank account at a new bank. Our bank, with whom we have banked (individually, and then later as a couple) for DECADES, decided to drop their free checking option and start charging people fees if their checking account dropped below $500. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! I think that's unreasonable. If I'm going to let that much money sit anywhere, it's going to be in a savings account or some other interest-bearing account that is meant for piling up cash. (Our checking account WAS interest bearing, and we would have totally switched it to not interest bearing to get free checking, but there was no option for that. Come on, people. A checking account is for MONEY THAT YOU INTEND TO SPEND. Duh.)

Anyway, after a few months of shifting money around so as to avoid the evil fee snatchers, we decided we'd had enough of that nonsense and switched banks. Almost. We are in the process of switching bills and deposits and automatic stuff over and OMG I never knew how much work it is to switch accounts. Ugh. But worth it.

Take THAT, mean old bank.

In the meantime, we decided to buy a new (to us) car. We traded in our always-needs-a-repair van for another car, which I think I may come to regret in the cargo category. But my husband insists that we can trade the other car in for the van I actually WANT in about two years. Something to look forward to...

Buying a car when half of your money is in a new account where you can't actually access any of it easily because you haven't yet received your checks and debit cards and the other half of the money is in the account that is currently paying all of your OTHER bills...well, it was not exactly smart timing.

We finally figured out all the financial issues and had money transferred into the bill-handling account (old bank) where it still sits, today, a full ten days after giving our debit card number for the deposit and a full week after arriving with a check for the difference and driving away with the car. I'm not really sure what to make of that. Perhaps they don't want our money?

That, indeed, would be a welcome change.

Long, long month

2011-01-24T08:47:00.004-06:00

Ugh. I hate January. It's such a let down. With the holidays over and the cold intensifying and school canceling for snow every other day, it's just LONG.

To make it even MORE exciting, I'm five days into a three-week course of antibiotics related to a fertility issue, and I'm being hit with several of the unpleasant side-effects, including dizziness, change in taste, lack of appetite and a faint but constant feeling of nausea. Now, not only am I supposed to avoid dairy and sweets and carbs, but they are pretty much the only thing I WANT to eat because they tend to be the strongest in flavor. I feel the need to use flavor to counteract the weirdness in my taste buds and lack of appetite.

At least I'm not constantly thinking about food...

The good news is that we are all over our recent colds. That has made playing outside a little more fun. So let's end this dreary post with some photos to cheer it up, OK?

Olivia wanted to "write" her name with the shovel in the currently-absent neighbor's driveway. I helped.
Sledding is more fun without a constantly-running nose.

Olivia has a new big-girl booster seat. She fits it quite well. I thought it would work OK for car naps too.
But maybe it isn't quite as suited for car naps as the previous car seat!

Happy Monday, I hope!

'Till the cows come home...

2011-01-18T08:26:00.002-06:00

I think I may have mentioned a new diet that my doctor recommended to keep the endometriosis at bay while we try to conceive. The last few weeks I have slowly implemented some of the recommendations...more veggies and grains, fewer sweets. But I was a little confused on the guidelines and what was expected. So I called and asked the nurse.

I am making good changes, but it is not enough. The most important dietary change I need to make is to give up dairy.

DAIRY IS MY LIFE.

No. I'm serious. Dairy is my life. I grew up on a dairy farm. My Dad milked cows twice a day, every day, for 27 years. I drank the stuff raw, shaking it up before pouring to mix in the cream that had settled at top. I LOVE MILK. I still drink at least three cups a day, and usually more. It is my comfort food. Milk with meals. Milk with snacks. CHEESE. Oh, dear heavens...the cheese!

But, as it turns out, endometriosis is an inflammatory disease that flares up with increases in estrogen. And, it seems that milk is the leading dietary estrogen source. Milk. My beloved milk.

So. It looks like I will be milk free for the next couple of years, unless we get pregnant before then (please God!). I have to learn all about other dietary sources of calcium and such.

I am SO not ready for this!

Adrift

2011-01-17T08:33:00.005-06:00

It's Monday morning, and the boys I watch showed up sleep-deprived today. There is no one to blame...sometimes kids wake up and can't fall back asleep. I understand that as well as anyone. I just know that it spells trouble for us around mid-morning.

But, for the moment, all three kids are playing pretend games happily in Olivia's room. It's not exactly quiet, but it's peaceful. For now.

My brain has been in overdrive this week. Samantha's situation weighs heavily on my mind. I keep feeling like I should call her, but I don't know how much is too much contact. Maybe she needs to hear from a supportive voice. Maybe she just wants to be left alone. So I sit in indecision.

In the meantime, I vacillate between feelings of sorrow for her and sorrow for us. It's entirely selfish, but ever since she announced her pregnancy, I have entertained visions of a second dark-eyed, curly-headed beauty occupying a space in our family. Now I feel adrift...as if our adoption wait is futile and endless. It shouldn't feel any different than it did a month ago, before we knew of Samantha's pregnancy. But it does.

This next month we must make some sort of decision. Our homestudy expires at the end of February. We have been "active" and waiting with this agency for two years. There is no forseeable end anymore.

There is another agency in this state whom we have considered in the past...an agency that provides quick placements (6-12 months). They reportedly do a great job of counseling for the birth parents, before and after the placement. We had expected to sign on with them before we got Olivia's referral so unexpectedly. But then, when we were researching our adoption avenues for #2, we ruled them out as too expensive.

I'm wondering now if it may be worth it.

We have to put our heads together and discuss how to proceed. I just don't like this drifty feeling. It feels like we've had a number of near-misses on finding our own adoption match in two years, and meanwhile there has been no movement from our agency. It's time for movement.

Update

2011-01-13T15:23:00.002-06:00

I spoke with Samantha this afternoon. She feels awful, as expected post-surgery. But her doctors say the surgery was successful and that she should have a smooth recovery. Her heart may take awhile to heal. Please keep those prayers coming...

Last night, we visited Samantha in the hospital. Olivia was a balm to her wounded spirit. She asked about the wires and tubes, and we told her that "Miss Samantha has sickness in her belly and the doctor has to go in and fix it."

Olivia: "Can I say a prayer and ask Jesus to take away Miss Samantha's sick?"
Samantha: "Of course you can. I would love you to say a prayer for me."
Olivia: "Ok! Jesus, will you please make Miss Samantha's sick go away so she can feel all better?"
Samantha: "Oh, that's so sweet!"
Olivia: "Can I say Trey's Prayer? (Singing to tune of Frere Jacque) God Our Father, God Our Father, He's So Good, He's So Good..."

(She also followed that with our "superman" meal prayer, which is also sung. She was in full-on praying mode.)

Needless to say, she was the bright spot in Samantha's day. In mine too. She ended the evening by giving Samantha a dozen hugs and kisses. I think it was just what Samantha needed.

Empty

2011-01-13T10:01:00.002-06:00

This morning, due to some severe complications, Samantha lost the baby in her womb...and her womb. She had hoped to get her life together and be a Mom again, perhaps to this baby, or to another in the future. Instead, she lost her baby and her ability to bear children.

Samantha is twenty three.

I hope and pray that she can continue to move forward with her life. She had plans to continue her education, to get her own apartment, to leave her abusive situation. Now I'm afraid that she'll slip into depression and dependence and will take a few steps backward, instead of forward.

She could use your prayers.

Seven for Friday

2011-01-07T14:43:00.000-06:00

1. On Wednesday night, Olivia had a make-up class for gymnastics for one day that was missed because of snow. Many of her class opted not to make-up the class, and it was a make-up for other classes too. So she was one of six girls in this class, and she was the youngest by at least four years. There were ten-year-olds and at least one teenager. They were doing stations and practicing the fundamentals of back handsprings. And Olivia got to participate at her three-year-old level. She learned SO MUCH in just that one class from all the hands-on attention of the four instructors. AND she did her first cartwheel! She just watched the bigger girls doing them in warm-ups, and decided to go for it! She'd advance to the next level SO QUICKLY if this was the way her class went every week.

2. I'm supposed to transition to a new diet for the sake of fending off future endometriosis. I know what kinds of foods to eat, but I guess I'm just being reminded of how difficult it is to eat healthy foods in our society. Healthy foods are more expensive. And you have to buy them fresh, so more trips to the store. It's going to be a challenging lifestyle change...not because of WHAT I should eat, but HOW to get that in our house and on the plate on a regular basis.

3. It's Thursday as I write this and someone (one of the kids) is bleeding all over my new, thankfully not carpet, floor. I keep finding little streaks on the floor. I'm pretty sure it's Olivia, who has an old cut on one toe and a fresh (newly bandaged) cut on another. I finally made her wear socks to protect the Oriental rug in the living room. I worry overly much about that stupid rug and all the unpleasant child-produced filth it must be absorbing right there in the middle of the living room. I'm starting to think it might be time to suck it up and buy a cheap area rug for the living room so I can move the Oriental back to the master bedroom, where it was before we decided we couldn't live with the echo in the newly-floored living room. I'm learning that there are a lot of hidden costs in reflooring your house.

4. We have been plagued by the annual post-holiday cold this week. I'm mostly over it, but Olivia is still snotty and miserable. The evidence: We've emptied two brand-new kleenex boxes and put a dent in the supply of three more. Since Monday. Gah!

5. Sometime in the Spring last year I started getting developmental emails from Enfamil. "Your baby is 3 months old...get the best nutrition available." I'd get these every couple of months, adjusted for the fantom baby's age, with coupons and the like. I had signed up for their family rewards (or whatever it is called) program when Olivia was born specifically for these coupons. But I never returned to the site once we switched her to milk at a year. And the emails disappeared for a long time, until fantom baby apparently showed up on their radar. So I'm wondering if they just have some sort of robo program that estimates when, statistically, your next baby should arrive so they can start shoving ads at you again. I guess it's a sensible marketing concept. Except it kind of has the opposite effect for me, Ms. Infertile, who has been simultaneously waiting for a second adoption and spending time and money annihilating endometriosis in hope of a possible chance at pregnancy, someday in the vague and uncertain future. Dear Enfamil: You are not helping.

6. I miss warm weather. Winter is not even a month old and I'm already over it. I want to get outside and run. Running, by the way, has been abandoned completely. I tried it a couple of months ago. I began right before I got the evil upper-respiratory-infection-from-hell that knocked me down for the better part of two weeks, and then it got cold outside. I want to do it, though. I do. I just want to do it when the weather is not lung-stingingly cold.

7. We're going to see a movie on Sunday, and I'm overly excited about it. The last movie we saw was in January of LAST year. Yeah. I'm also excited about this particular movie. I got chills when I first saw the trailer on TV that announced that Narnia was back in theaters. Love the books. The movies have brought them to life. Much like the LOTR series, the movies have (thus far) been faithful to the spirit of the books. That doesn't happen often for books-turned-movies, in my experience.

Happy weekend!

The tornado ripping through my brain

2011-01-06T09:56:00.007-06:00

Things at home are shockingly normal this first week of 2011. Olivia has morphed into a relatively normal child. Gone are many (not nearly all, mind you) of her hyperactive traits. She goes to bed at a decent hour, even with a few naps this week (she has a cold, a nap is often in order). It seems we've struck a relatively comfortable balance between no-nap days and nap days, and life is pretty good.

So, things here are normal. EXCEPT. Olivia's birthmom recently found out that she is pregnant. And now we've been sucked into the soap opera that is her life.

She called us as soon as she found out, crying and asking if we'd be willing to adopt this baby (of course we would!) because of the mess that her life is. I talked to her for awhile and calmed her down and told her that we were here to talk if she needed us, and that while we are totally willing to adopt the baby, we wanted her to know that it was her decision and she has time to make it.

Since then, she has calmed down, and now she thinks she wants to try to get her life together and try to parent. BUT she still wants us on board and ready to adopt in case she can't accomplish this by baby's due date in the Summer. And her life has fallen apart (major, catastrophic changes, in my perspective, anyway) at least three times in the two weeks since she first found out she was pregnant. Somehow, I don't see that pattern changing anytime soon.

I won't get into the reasons that her life is, was, and continues to be a mess. We WANT her life to change and go in a positive direction. We really, truly want that. But MAJOR changes need to take place (by her own admission) and she has almost NO support.

I referred her to the Gabriel Project in our area because, as much as I personally want to help her, I can't get THAT involved. I just can't. We love that we can have such an open and supportive relationship with Olivia's birthmother...it's important to us to keep it that way. But somehow, somewhere, there must be boundaries in this relationship that we don't cross, ever. And it's getting harder and harder to define those boundaries as we get our hearts wrapped up in a baby who might never be ours.

Here's the thing. We would be ecstatic to be able to adopt again, even more so to adopt a baby who is biologically related to our daughter. We know we could give that baby a good home and lots of love and more opportunities than Samantha is likely to be able to give. We also know that no matter how logical the choice for adoption may seem when you weigh all the factors, THIS IS HER CHILD, and she has every right to make the decision to parent or to place. We support her right to make that decision. Intellectually. Emotionally, it's a little harder to define...

So, while I want to be the one to hold her hand and help her make good decisions for herself and the baby, I can't. I'm too invested. My desire for a baby and my desire for Samantha to turn her life around...well, they are often in conflict with each other. So I'm trying to strike a balance between staying supportive and staying out of it. It's a challenge, friends. And we have seven months to ride this roller-coaster. I'm already feeling a little motion-sickness.

Adoption breaks your heart. There is always loss. But I see this joyful, well-adjusted (if a little hyperactive) child who just learned to do her first cartwheel and thinks Grandma is her own personal angel and her cousins are her best friends...a child who FITS in this family, and I realize that there's a plan in all of this and it's worth a little heart break.

Holiday recap in photos

2011-01-03T09:59:00.006-06:00

Here we are, back to "normal" with babysitting and a regular routine after a week-and-a-half "off". It was fun, if exhausting. The little cousins had a cold, which we caught and now have. And let me tell you...those cousin-colds pack a punch. We are dragging here, folks.

So, here's the reader's digest version of Christmas 2010.

Christmas morning, Olivia came out of her room around 6:20 and found her requested trampoline. Then she just stood on it in a daze for awhile.
One of the first gifts she opened was a microphone. And then she didn't want to open any more gifts. She was in love.

BUT THEN. She opened the guitar. And it was all over for the rest of the gifts.
Rock on! We had to bribe her to open the rest, and she eventually did. Then we got all dressed up and went to Church. In the snow. We rarely see a white Christmas here.

Christmas Day, in the afternoon, we headed to Grammy and Grampy's. A lot of fun was had and a lot of gifts were opened. Funny how one of the least expensive gifts brought some of the most fun (and laughs). Hello, Green Hornet.

A couple of days later, we had Christmas with my parents and family. There are a billion pictures with a billion faces, and since I won't show those here, you only get to see Olivia and the twins enjoying some Wii time.

After a whole week hanging with the cousins, we all trekked a few hours away to a family wedding on New Year's Day. Took a dip in the hotel pool, which was a highlight for Olivia.

The other highlight was, of course, dancing. She and her cousins did quite a bit of that.

Olivia and Daddy couldn't resist showing off her "cheer" pose. This was followed by a flip to the ground while holding Daddy's hands. It was a hit and the wedding photographers couldn't get enough!
Most of all, we just enjoyed spending time with our family and having some Christmas/New Year's fun. Happy New Year!

The great drop-nap experiment

2010-12-21T14:41:00.002-06:00

Remember last week when I said we were trying to drop the nap? It was so glorious for the first few days. Olivia trudged through the last half of every day, sort of kind of somewhat compliant and mostly just too tired to fight me, and then she'd immediately drop off to sleep at an unheard-of 7:30 p.m. bedtime and sleep a solid twelve hours. Awesome, right?

Well, yes and no. On Sunday, she was so exhausted that she fell asleep on the way home from Church, and there was no waking the kid. She was OUT. So we let her nap for 90 minutes and woke her up. She was more mischievous toward the end of the day than she had been in her previous few nap-deprived days. And it took about 25 minutes for her to fall asleep that night. But she didn't fight bedtime as hard and she was asleep by 8:30 (as opposed to the more normal nap-day bedtime of 10:00). Then yesterday she melted down about a billion times and kept injuring herself, so she bought herself another nap. Yesterday afternoon was better, and bedtime was pretty much like Sunday.

Today we are back to no nap. The kids are all here, so that means no nap for the three older ones. It's been a long afternoon. A lot of defiance from Olivia. But manageable. So I don't know. All I know is I can count on an easy bedtime. And that's what gets me through, friends.

I'm thinking this is just another of those really awful transitions that you just have to live through with little kids. We haven't had one in so long that it seems more painful. I mean, the transition from two naps to one was hard. And that was more than half her life ago. So, we're a little out of practice with transitions here.

Next up...drop the pacifier. Yes. She still uses it for sleep. Get off my back. If YOU lived with this kid, you would be holding onto anything and everything that might possibly get her to calm down too. I decided a long time ago that surrendering the beloved paci would be darned near impossible until we dropped the nap and got her so exhausted that she'd fall asleep without the dang thing. So, yeah. It's on the agenda. I'm thinking after the Christmas craziness is over.

The home stretch

2010-12-20T12:36:00.003-06:00

The kids are all napping today. ALL. The no-nap experiment has been going amazingly well, but it seems that Olivia does still occasionally need a nap. Today, she injured herself four times in an hour...running into a doorknob, sliding off of her chair, bumping her toe on a wall, and hitting her shoulder on a doorframe. All injuries led to tears and wailing. Such clumsiness and overreaction to mild injury can only mean exhaustion. So, she sleeps.

She needs to get her rest now, because this week is going to be brimming FULL of activity. I babysit today and tomorrow. Then Wednesday we are delivering cookies to Daddy's coworkers, and that evening she plays "sheep" in our parish's Christmas pageant. Thursday we go "to town" for a lovely lunch with friends and a few errands. And Friday starts the ten-days-of-holiday-fun-and-excitement. Family, food, gifts, a wedding, more food, more gifts, cousins, playing, eating...

It will be a nice, if exhausting, week.

In which I establish my first resolution

2010-12-16T13:44:00.005-06:00

Today is our second "snow" day of the week. I'm already sick of winter. No kids on Monday because of snow. Today it is ice. And my husband has been gone on business since Sunday. We are rattling around in this house, the kid and I. Thank God Joe finally gets home today.

We went out to "shovel" the ice off of the driveway, and both Olivia and I ended up on our backsides. Our driveway is not level...it is a gradual downward slope. The thin sheet of ice was just enough to require us to crawl back up the driveway on our knees. We could get no traction with our shoes.

So, we trekked out to the backyard (the grass was not slippery at all) with a bucket and chipped the ice off of the sandbox lid. We returned to the driveway with a full bucket of sand and two sand shovels. Olivia shoveled sand onto the driveway while I chipped away at the ice with an edging shovel (which worked infinitely better than the snow shovel). I think we may now have enough traction to make it out to go to the post office, but I haven't been back out to test it yet. We shall see...

Since last week, I have decided that the nap is, perhaps, to blame for many of our troubles. Too much energy = too much mischief. I have tested this theory only once, with today being the second try. On Tuesday, we went all day without a nap. By the end of the day, she was exhausted from her first day EVER without a nap. I was exhausted from entertaining the grumpy, whiny three-year-old all afternoon. But then came bedtime, which involved minimal fighting and a sleeping child in under ten minutes! Before 7:30 p.m.! And the angels did sing...

(Have I mentioned our recent sleep troubles? The fights at bedtime? The constant power struggle? Sitting with a not-so-tired child until she finally gives in to sleep at around 10:00 p.m.? No? Well, it has NOT been fun.)

Anyway, all this is to say that we've been avoiding nap today. And we are ice-bound. And alone. So we've been trying to find something crafty to do. We ended up with the scary angel,

and these wreaths. There was a lot of Mommy prep work to do on both, but Olivia enjoyed pressing bows and balls into the hot glue. And it killed an hour or so.
Oh, did I not mention the shiner? A product of Monday's snow day, I'm afraid. And it didn't even happen outside, on a slick surface. She was bouncing on her bed (a forbidden activity, as if it matters) and kneed herself in the eye. Yeah.

So, while I was searching my crafty boxes for something to do, I came across these almost-finished projects that have been collecting for years. YEARS. And I came up with a resolution. In 2011, I will finish or frame all of these. They include, in no particular order:

Irish blessing cross stitch. The pattern was a gift from my husband when he led a tour to Ireland a few weeks before we got married. We're not even Irish, so I'm not sure what to do with it. Frame it? Give it as a gift? Hang it somewhere?

I made this turtle cross stitch in high school. I am not even kidding. It has been languishing in my craft box for that long. Pillow? Frame?

Another gift from Joe, this time after a conference at this institution. I REALLY don't know what to do with this one. I'm not a fan. I love the campus, but kind of can't stand the school. And I'm not really a college sports fan. So...?

This is a sampler I did a couple of years back just because I was looking for something to do. It's too small to frame, really, except as a child's room accessory. It does have nice colors for a kid's room. Maybe I will frame it.

This one has been due for framing for about 13 years. I bought it while I was at Harlaxton College for a semester in college. It is in Lincolnshire county. So this is sort of a souvenir that I stitched myself. Never mind that I barely made it to any of these places outside of Grantham. We spent most of our weekends in London and points North. But still. The finished product is wrinkled and sized funny so will require professional framing, I'm afraid. But I spent so much time on it...I feel like it needs to hang somewhere in my house.

This is a pillow I made as a gift that I never ended up giving away because I didn't like the way the ruffle turned out. But Olivia and I stuffed it anyway (today) and I will stitch it together and let her throw it around in her room. At least it will get used.
I also have a box full of matching quilt blocks that do not amount to an actual quilt. Gotta do something about that this year too.

And I also resolve not to have any more snow days. Can I do that?

Seven winter shorts

2010-12-10T08:05:00.005-06:00

1. The behavior...it's getting better. Or more manageable. The key is constant parental persistence in insisting on obedience, behavior, etc. And calm tones. It has been a challenge, friends. But then there are shining moments where Olivia voluntarily does (and explains that she has done) something she is supposed to do without being asked twice. Those are nice moments. Maybe she's just an overly active three-year-old. Maybe.

2. So, St. Nick brought us snow on Monday. A dusting, really, but it was enough to make Olivia want to go out and play. It lasted all of twenty minutes, until I was so cold I couldn't stand it anymore. But she did get to make this...
3. Olivia perfected her head stand in gymnastics this week, so she's been practicing it all week. This morning, she shouted from her room, "Come and see, Mommy." This is what I came and saw. Olivia and her barbies, all doing head stands. Silly girls.

4. Christmas shopping is 95% finished, and now I'm waiting on all of my deliveries. I have decided that I am in love with online shopping. So easy! Trying to shop with a three-year-old in tow is treacherous, at best, and trying to find time to shop FOR her, without her, is darn near impossible. This is a great alternative.

5. My husband has a job that requires a bit of travel at various times of the year. These two weeks of December are one of those times. Next week, he'll be gone for most of the week. This is hard. On the bright side, however...he just accepted a new job, starting in January. Same employer, different department, very little travel, working for a guy he really likes. And...AND he is asked to attend/facilitate an annual retreat which takes place on a cruise!! AND he gets to bring me along. FREE CRUISE. Salary-wise, it's a lateral move, but the fringe benefits are kind of awesome.

6. We've been sort of lax on the Advent crafts. I've been busy with a bunch of other things this week. I'm hoping to pick up some supplies, though, and ramp up the crafty activity next week. It will be our last full week with the babysitting kids, then two days the next week before Christmas break. Let's see what creative ideas we can find...

7. This is the time of year when soup sounds really, really good. Here's a recipe I came up with for Lentil soup that is pretty darn good.

Crockpot Lentil Soup

1 1/2 c lentils
2 carrots, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 c. onion
2 cloves minced garlic
1 lb ground beef
1/2 tsp basil
1/2 tsp oregano
1/4 tsp thyme
4 c. beef broth

Boil 6 cups water, add lentils and simmer 1 hour. Drain. Add lentils to beef broth in crock pot.

In skillet, brown ground beef. Add to crock pot. Saute veggies and garlic in skillet. Add to crockpot. Add spices. Cook on high 5-6 hours.

I think we are the problem and the solution

2010-12-08T14:16:00.005-06:00

I'm coming to terms with the fact that my child may suffer from ADHD. Yes, this is something I've diagnosed myself, and I could be totally wrong. Most doctors warn against trying to diagnose a child until age six or so because so many of the hallmark behaviors (restlessness, inattention, easily distracted, impulsive) apply to most preschoolers. But in a group, Olivia is always, without exception, the most active, least attentive, most distracting child. True, her groups have thus far been limited to Bible school, gymnastics and family gatherings. But still.

I don't know...maybe I'm jumping the gun on this. But recently? Life has just been hard. Part of it, I think, is the fact that it is winter and therefore too cold to work out those energies in some active sort of way. So it comes out in more destructive, aggressive ways. As a result, we are all yelling. A lot.

One place we don't yell is in Church, and that seems to be where Olivia's worst behavior manifests itself. I hate that we leave Mass every week frustrated and not at all spiritually nourished because we just spent the last 50 minutes wrestling with/negotiating with/ threatening our child who won't stop talking and using the back of the pew in front of us as a stand-in for the uneven bars. (She says she is practicing holding her arms stiff and pointing her toes, which she did learn to do in gymnastics, and nothing I say can convince her that this is not the right place or time to be practicing her gymnastic skills.) When she disobeys in Church, she KNOWS that we can't do anything about it right there, and she flashes that devious grin when she gets away with the misbehavior. She's impulsive and defiant, and some of her worst behavior shows up in Church.

At home, she bounces around. I don't know how else to describe it. She doesn't stay in one place much. She jumps on the couch and the bed even though she KNOWS that is not allowed. When I ask her to do something, she comes up with indecipherable excuses, and when I insist that she do it anyway, she wanders off and does everything she possibly can to avoid doing this one thing. If (when) things get so frustrating that the yelling begins, it just causes her misbehavior to escalate. IT. IS. MADDENING.

So. Most of what I've read recommends behavioral adjustments for small children and their parents. Rigid schedules. Constant parental attention. Positive reinforcement. Calm tones. I know this stuff works to an extent, because I've seen her behavior change when we are off schedule or when Olivia is fighting to get our attention or the difference in yelling versus calm and persistent requests. I get it. It's us. We need to step up and be the parents that Olivia needs us to be. And coming to that realization is hard because it means that we are going to have to change a lot of things around here and break a lot of bad parental habits. I'm sure it will be worth it. I just hope it will be enough to break the cycle of bad behavior.

But I still have my doubts about her ability to sit still in Church. Help!

Advent projects

2010-12-03T10:52:00.003-06:00

The weather has finally decided to act it's season, which means we are cold and stuck inside. Time for activities! We've been doing a lot of coloring, cutting and pasting this week. You know, the standard preschool activities. But since we have a seasonal excuse, I've decided that we are going to start doing crafts. Our tree is going to be full of child creations by Christmas break. And aren't the parents of my babysitting charges going to LOVE me! (Or not. I've discovered that a house can fill up with child creations pretty fast.)

Today we made bead trees. It's pretty easy. You get some of those tiny fuzzy sticks (we used to call them pipe cleaners). You'll need three for each tree. And pony beads. That's all.

Fold one stick in half and twist a loop at the top. Twist the halves together the rest of the way down. This is the trunk. Then cut one stick in thirds and one in half. Wind the smaller ones at top of the trunk, near the loop, and then the larger ones at the bottom. Hand them over to the children with a cup of pony beads. The kids string the beads on in their own preferred order. Add a tree hook and hang. The end.

I'd say it turned out pretty well. It might look more "tree-like" if you use brown or green fuzzy sticks, but all I had was white. Fun, easy, cheap. Go forth and make your own bead trees.

New floor

2010-12-03T09:55:00.005-06:00

So. We did manage to get the majority of the new floor laid over Thanksgiving. It took most of three days to do it, but it's in enough to have kids running around here again, and that's all I can ask from a volunteer (my Dad) in his spare time.

Above: Laminate, new vinyl (left), old vinyl (right)

A few transitions have been added since then. Some transitions are still simply a covering of painter's tape to keep the kids from tripping on the carpet (and to keep polly pocket accessories from ending up forever trapped in the gap). The trim is bought, but won't be added for awhile. Maybe at Christmas. Watch how I'm not stressing about it at all.

Olivia shows off the new laminate. And her new favorite toy..."I want the swiffer."

The new vinyl is that stick-together stuff from Home Depot called "Allure." It floats, like vinyl (doesn't stick to the floor) and has sticky strips to bind each piece to the next piece. It was incredibly easy to install and we put it right over our old, ugly vinyl. It has the illusion of tile with a fraction of the effort. I'm all about simplicity.

Look at me and my new floor!

And it looks so much nicer. The picture doesn't do it justice, especially with the funky, angled transition (necessary for the way the walls lined up). But trust me, it's better.

During the last few days, I've experienced the joy of seeing EVERYTHING that falls on the floor. It has been enlightening. All of that crap was previously ground into my carpet, because I promise that I didn't get the vacuum out every day. Now I can just sweep it up. I like that a lot.

It's a little echo-y in here, which is the one big downside...especially with loud kids chasing each other in my house five days a week. But we've added a few rugs and books...and it's getting better. I've also noticed that I can hear footsteps, which were silent with carpet-on-concrete. But that's something of a benefit...I can hear Olivia coming when she wakes up in the middle of the night instead of startling awake to find a little face right in front of me.

Overall assessment...New floors = YAY! Also, early Merry Christmas to us because our Christmas budget just took a swift kick to the gut.

Projects, internal and external

2010-11-24T13:29:00.002-06:00

We are plunging headlong into a project for our Thanksgiving holiday. We are replacing our carpet with laminate flooring. Judging by the coffee stains in the living room (from Olivia's "let's see what happens when we pick up Daddy's coffee mug and pour it out right here" days) and the multiple areas of cracker-like substance ground into the dining room carpet, it's time.

So. We've been ripping up carpet edges for the past several days and Joe has been removing the tack strips. As it turns out, removing carpet from concrete is not all that challenging. Tonight, my Dad is coming over and he and Joe will fold up the living room carpet and pad and start laying boards for our new floor.

In the meantime, I'm cleaning. We're putting in new vinyl over our old vinyl in the kitchen, so I'm getting the dirt out everywhere. It's a rainy day, which may lull the nappers into a longer slumber, making it a perfect time to finish floor preparations.

Except that the quiet...it allows for too much thinking. And I've been doing a lot of that lately. My mind swirls around various somewhat-related topics, all of them a little fuzzy and confusing and circling around the difficulties we've experienced trying to build our little family. I try not to think about it too much. But I'll hash it out a bit here, because that's what this space is for. And then maybe it will make more sense in my head.

Today, one of my nieces celebrates her first birthday. And her parents announced this weekend that she will be a big sister this Summer.

This news did not come as a shock to me...not at all. I didn't know they wanted to have another baby so soon, although apparently they did plan it that way, and I'm happy for them. It's not as if I thought they'd have trouble. Fertility abounds in this family, present company excluded. This baby will be the second 2011 addition to the family, bringing my parents' grandchild total to eleven. Our one child and my three brothers' combined ten children. Olivia, the youngest for nearly 17 months of her life, will now have four younger cousins.

The agency who did our homestudy and holds our profile encouraged us to submit our application (and fee) to another agency with whom they cooperate. We did...in September of LAST year. I have not heard one peep from that other agency since then. Except, of course, that the check cleared. Otherwise, I would have assumed that it had been lost in the mail.

I emailed our caseworker about it recently, and she wrote back to say that I should talk to their coordinator (a.k.a. The Woman Who Had Never, Ever Returned Even One Of My Many Calls, circa Jan-Sept 2009), and if that doesn't work, to talk to HER supervisor. I am saving that project for after Thanksgiving. I have no need to spoil a perfectly good holiday weekend being sour over idiots who can't do their jobs. And I fully intend to get my application fee back. I don't care how non-refundable it is. I'm pretty sure that 15 months with no communication counts as gross negligence of job duties, and I'm pretty sure I can make that case to the powers-that-be.

All that is to say that with the rather slow trickle of placements at our current agency and not getting any communication from the other agency, I'm not optimistic about getting any use out of our current homestudy, which expires in March.

Meanwhile, we have good friends who are fostering small children (age 2 and under), and I'm wondering more and more if that is where we should move next. Foster-to-adopt, that is. It has it's own set of problems...more than I care to name here. But there is such a need. And Olivia is old enough to understand the foster thing better, and she really, really wants a sibling. And we really, really want that too.

On another topic, my husband asked me last month if I thought the recent surgery was helpful at all in removing the monthly cycle pains that had been getting worse. Last month, I didn't think so. Now I'm starting to think that my innards were still healing and therefore more painful during my last period because this month has been completely different. I have not needed any pain medication AT ALL. I wonder if this is an indication of good things to come. Have I healed? Will fertility awaken, at last? I have also completed my first monthly hormone review and will be supplemented this cycle for the first time since surgery. Will it do any good?

I'm praying for patience. I feel strongly that our family isn't complete yet. I just wish I had some indication as to where we will go from here. This swirling brain activity is causing me to lose focus. I need to be cleaning the floor.

Portraits

2010-11-16T22:15:00.000-06:00

Tonight, we endured the annual parental torture ritual known as formal portraits. All this was in honor of the fact that the household shortie just turned...
I thought this session would be easy...a breeze compared to all previous sessions. She's old enough to take direction, after all. She's also old enough to decide that SHE should get to take the pictures. This one has some attitude. And yes, she did click a few shots of blank wall. The photographer let her take a shot after just about each pose. A motivational carrot, if you will.

It worked passably well.

We (I) agonized over how to do her hair...up or down or what? I went for a combo...a bit up, the rest down. I wanted to feature the curls. They still ended up looking a bit unkempt. No matter. The kid's eye make the shot. Every time.

She's photogenic, this one. Kid can't take a bad picture.
Unless you agree to let her hold the football and then try to get her to do the Heisman pose.

More photos here.

Some random thoughts

2010-11-15T13:01:00.003-06:00

1. I do not know how people functioned before Google. If I don't know the words to a song... If I need to know the hours of a store in a town two hours away because we'll be passing through and I want something from there... If I need to throw together a dinner party and need a recipe using just the items I have... Google. It's all right there. Seriously. How did we ever find anything out before?

2. Our area has a leaf vacuum that picks up all the leaves that you drag to the edge of your property. They've been in vacuum mode since November 1, and every day Olivia looks out at our huge line of leaves (covering and hiding from light the only grass that grows WELL on our whole property) and says, "Mommy, are they going to vacuum up our leaves today?" She was looking forward to watching.

It is naptime. All the kids are asleep. And the leaf vacuum just took our leaves. *Sigh* Oh, the timing.

3. Every night, we say prayers with Olivia before bed. After our formal prayers, we hand her the crucifix to kiss, and she holds it out and talks to Jesus...usually in a run-on sentence and about whatever happens to come to mind. Last night, after coming home from practicing for our parish's Christmas pageant, in which she is a sheep, this was her prayer. "Jesus, please help the sheep to come in slowly and stay on their spot so everyone is in their own spot and sitting still while we sing songs away in a manger." There was some other nonsensical stuff after that. Another example of an Olivia bedtime prayer: "Jesus, can you send me a brother or sister and make us all a family so we can have fun and live together and maybe go camping with Grandma and help me behave so I can not be bad and goof off so we can go to sleep but only after Mommy reads books and make us better so we don't be sick so we can sleep and not cough. Amen."

Some prayers are a little more succinct than others.

I feel stupid.

2010-11-15T11:41:00.003-06:00

We made the decision to go ahead and purchase laminate flooring for our living spaces. This is a decision that is about a year in the works, and this weekend we decided to take advantage of a sale and go ahead and get the flooring. AND Joe told me to go by myself as soon as naptime began and he would stay home and keep an eye on Olivia (and the other eye on football). It was a win-win for both of us...he got some quiet time at home alone, and I got some quiet time out of the house alone...exactly the opposite of what usually happens.

In addition to getting the flooring, I ran a few errands hither and yon. By myself. On no schedule. It was heavenly. And while I got enough of a glimpse of pre-holiday traffic and crowds and consumerism to strengthen my resolve to shop exclusively online this holiday season, it was surprisingly relaxing.

I think all at-home parents need this once in awhile. We get so used to planning our activities around the schedules and demands and patience level of our children that we sometimes forget how to handle our brains when we can focus our attention on other things.

That said, my brain utterly failed me on the exact same day. We were invited to a celebration dinner that took place yesterday (and agreed to bring a dessert). I had been looking forward to going. And I completely forgot. Completely. It didn't even occur to me until I got a Facebook comment this morning from a friend who WAS there and wondered where we were. I feel like a complete idiot. I have no excuse except that Saturday was so BUSY and then it was over and we just woke up on Sunday morning and got back to routine. So, so stupid.

Now my lovely Sunday outing is tainted by the knowledge that I screwed up other rather important plans. Stupid, stupid brain.

A good time was had by all

2010-11-13T15:37:00.003-06:00

Today, we had a birthday party for Olivia. It was one of those things where we thought, "Hey, wouldn't it be fun to have a bowling party for Olivia and some other little kids?" And then we invited a bunch of people we knew expecting that about a third or more would not be able to come. And then just about everyone was able to come. So it was a little chaotic. And expensive.

But Olivia had a blast. I mean, the kid was in heaven. She loves to bowl. She loves cake. She loves presents. She loves other kids. It was pure perfection.

And, as a bonus, everyone else seemed to have a good time too. There were no fights, no tears, no arguments over turns (everyone just sort of bowled at random, which worked well for the age group). We had it early so there were no exhaustion meldowns. It just worked.

I don't think we'll do anything quite so big again anytime soon. But we had fun with this party. Oh yes, we did.