Just a picture today

I've got a couple of post ideas brewing, but no time today. In the meantime, there's this:



Yesterday was a very nice day...a wonderful change from the nasty hot, humid weather we've been having. So we played in the backyard while Daddy grilled some burgers for dinner. Olivia kept crawling off the blanket (thus the pants) and trying to eat twigs and leaves, so I did my very best to keep her interested in her toys. I wouldn't mind her crawling in the grass if she didn't try to eat everything she could grab.

A discussion between two mothers

This past weekend, I talked to Olivia's birthmom on the phone. We had recently sent her photos, and we usually chat after she receives the photos so she can catch up on Olivia's recent accomplishments (so accomplished is my baby, you know). She has three other daughters whom she is parenting, so she knows about milestones and activity at various ages.

We had a really great conversation. She asked about what Olivia is doing now...crawling, standing, etc. I told her about how mobile she is and about our earlier scares about climbing and thinking she might try to climb out of her crib.

And she told me that all three of her daughters were climbing out of their cribs around this age and crawling down the hall.

Hmmm... after more discussion, it became apparent that Olivia's active nature is pretty similar to her biological half-sisters. I'm a wee bit concerned (again) about the climbing out of the crib thing (which she hasn't actually done yet, but she IS getting more bold). But other than that, I think these discussions could prove quite useful in the future, especially if I can gain some insight on what antics I can expect out of Olivia as she grows.

I feel privileged to have a good relationship with Olivia's birthmom. We are even planning to meet her the next time she is in the area (she still lives in a neighboring state, but her family lives in a city close to where we live). Even though I am Olivia's Mommy and I don't intend to share that label, I do have a great deal of respect and affection for the woman who courageously carried her, gave birth to her and entrusted her to us.

I have always been impressed with Olivia's birthmother. Yes, she's young, unmarried and was mother to three before she conceived Olivia. But she's trying so hard to do what is best for herself and her kids, despite her earlier decisions. It is so obvious from the way she speaks about them that she loves her kids. She's a good mommy, just trying to make her way through some crummy life situations.

My husband made a comment to me after I was telling him about my conversation with Olivia's birthmother. He said that he's always irritated by well-meaning people who look at Olivia and say, "What a lucky baby"...as if to say, "You poor, unfortunate thing...born in poverty to a woman who didn't want you...you were lucky to find such great parents." Whether they mean that or not, that's the way it often comes across.

And that just rubs me (and my husband) the wrong way. We feel like WE are the fortunate ones...fortunate that we were in the right place at the right time, that Olivia's birthmother entrusted us with Olivia, that she was willing to sacrifice a lifetime of parenting this beautiful child so that she could give her a life that she herself couldn't provide. Yes, this is the one child she didn't keep, but she knew her circumstances would make life much more difficult for this child than for the other three. So she chose to give her a new start. And that MUST have been an excruciating decision.

So really, I don't mind keeping in touch with this woman and even getting together with her once in awhile. I am so grateful to her for her selfless decision, and for this beautiful child. I never want her to regret her decision, and I want her to always know that Olivia is safe and loved. When Olivia is older, she will come to understand the great sacrifice her birthmother made for her, and I pray that she will be blessed by our ongoing communication with the woman who gave birth to her.

My sweet angel baby

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I woke up with the standard sinus headache, which I tend to get with various changes in the weather or when I've spent too much time outside in really hot, sticky conditions. Usually, I can knock these headaches out within a couple of hours with a combination of various allergy, sinus, and headache pills.

Well, yesterday's headache just got worse from the moment I got out of bed, and it took me most of the day to kick it. Until about 3:00, I was dizzy, nauseated, and having a hard time with loud noises and bright lights. It was probably a migraine, and I can only remember one other time that it has been that bad.

Olivia must have sensed my pain and decided to cooperate because she took a 3.5 hour nap in the morning, a 2 hour nap in the afternoon, and she managed to play happily and safely by herself between naps while I crashed on the floor within view of wherever she was playing. I'm really not sure how we would have survived the day together if she had been in a bad mood or sick herself. Thank God for small blessings!


Yes, I am a good girl and I took care of Mommy all day!

Shiner

My husband and I have eased into an experiential learning model of parenting that just came naturally to us. I guess from our own growing up years, we learned that children have to experience certain hazzards in order to understand the need to avoid those in the future. Either that, or we just realized that there was no way we could keep up with our very active child in order to keep her away from every possible fall or bump. She leaves us wondering where they find those children who sit quietly and play with the toys in front of them. Do they really exist? Or do they just sedate those toddlers and babies who are on sitcoms on TV?

In the course of learning to pull up and walk along furniture, Olivia has had her fair share of bumps and bruises. They are usually pretty minor since we've removed most of the hard-edged furniture from the play space in our living room. But as active as she is, we'd have to bubble-wrap the entire living room and remove most of her hard plastic toys to keep her from all bruises. I can't tell you how many times she's been bobbing her head to the music on her stand-up keyboard and then whacked her head on that same keyboard because she got a little to wild with the head bobbing.

Anyway, yesterday I walked into the kitchen to put away the dishes. Since our living space is pretty open and flows from one room to the next, Olivia usually crawls after me, through the dining room and into the kitchen, and then she likes to stand up and hold onto my legs until I pick her up again. Occasionally, she'll get distracted by the dining room chairs, and I glanced over to see her standing up and holding onto one of them. "No, Olivia, don't climb. Come here." She has, in the past, tried to climb the vertical slats on the back of the chair, but she knows the word "No" and usually will abandon the idea of climbing and examine the tablecloth or something for a few minutes.

I heard a WHAP and looked over. She had pulled the chair down on top of herself. It took her a second to react, but when she did...OH BOY. It was one of those breathless type of cries when a baby is REALLY upset, one where she was sobbing and all like "Mommy, how could you let that mean old chair attack me? Did you see what happened? Did you?" Of course, babies have very short memories, so five minutes later, she was playing happily again. She was left with a shiner above her right eye, though.

"See my bruise? Also, here's a shot of my teeth coming in on top."


"The chair attacked me, honest."


Now that we've entered the glorious realm of 8 months, Olivia is enjoying eating more food with her hands. The homemade baby food site recommended cutting soft-cooked foods into small pieces and letting her eat with her hands. It also lists some new foods she can have, including broccoli.

I didn't really think Olivia would enjoy broccoli. She does love to eat with her hands, though. So, we gave it a try.


She LOVED the broccoli (and little pieces of green beans too). Of course, we had to hose her and her high chair down after this little episode, but she thoroughly enjoyed her eating experience.

County Fair

Two posts in one day? Yes, but you won't hear from me at all tomorrow. Olivia and I will be very busy tomorrow.

Tonight, Olivia went to her first county fair. She was wide eyed and taking it all in. We had to see the holsteins since Grandpa was a dairy farmer most of his life and Mommy grew up on that farm. Daddy's Grandpa was also a dairy farmer, so visiting the cows is a required part of a fair trip.

Olivia also saw the sheep, goats, rabbits and horses. She sat and gazed on as we watched the hogs being shown in the arena. We were there to see Olivia's great-grandpa be honored as he was inducted into the county's agricultural hall of fame. She was very patient and enjoyed all of the sights and sounds of the fair.



We fed her and changed her into her pajamas before heading for home since she would undoubtedly be asleep and ready for bed by the time we arrived at home. But just before we left the fairgrounds, Olivia did this.



Don't let the look on her face fool you...she was tired! But she really enjoyed the fair. More county fair photos are on her photo blog.

Now appearing...

Olivia's top teeth are finally popping through. It seems she's been working on these particular teeth for months. MONTHS! But now she has some sharpness pointing through the gums on her two front teeth on top, and I'm almost positive that there's a third one coming in right next to them.

She's been really, really tired lately. She still plays hard when she's awake, and during those playtimes I wonder where she gets her seemingly vast reserves of energy. But then, without warning, she'll start fussing and want to cuddle and immediately you know it's time for nap.

Naps have been blissfully long. I'm attributing this to teething, but it could very well be a growth spurt too. And, thankfully, she's back to the "easy down" nap method...no more climbing in the crib. I put her down awake, give her a pacifier and a blanket to cuddle, and leave the room. She's asleep within minutes. She knows the drill and enjoys her naptime.

I don't want to look at the river. Can't you see I'm tired. Where's my bed?


In other news, 8 months is a fabulous age! Olivia can eat more things with her fingers now, which she LOVES TO DO. She has a bad habit of reaching up and pulling on her hair when she's full, which means that we spend a lot more time washing bananas and bits of carrot out of her hair, but she's just having so much fun with the finger foods that it's hard to be upset about a little food in the hair.

Also! My baby has become a giggle machine. When she's awake and happy and playing, it takes almost nothing to get her to giggle. I can crawl up to her slowly and do the "Jaws" theme, and even though she has no context for knowing what that even means, she just squeals and giggles and crawls away as fast as she can. She thinks I'm hilarious. It's very flattering.

On Friday, Olivia learned to say Mom. Not Mama. It's Mom, or Mom-Mom. It's so, so cute. I don't actually believe she knows what it means, but she likes saying it. And I LOVE hearing it. I couldn't have imagined how much joy one little word would give me.

Don't say you weren't warned.

Right up front I'll tell you that this post is about my infertility. And it includes some photo evidence, so stop right now if you are the least bit squeamish about such things. For those of you who are leaving, here's a gratuitous baby photo, just to thank you for stopping by. :)


What? Haven't you ever taken a bath in a sink?




My monthly visitor arrived yesterday, right on time. Even though I was under no illusions that I might actually be pregnant, it still knocks me down, every time.

When Olivia turned 6 months old, we started working with my FABULOUS Ob/Gyn again to continue exploring/fixing the causes of my infertility. As a Catholic and a teacher/promoter of Natural Family Planning (FertilityCare System) our treatment options are quite different from what most people pursue. What we are trying to do is figure out what's causing the infertility and fix it so we might achieve pregnancy in the old-fashioned way.

We discovered the endometriosis in 2006. My doc did everything he could within the limits of laparoscopic surgery. But endometriosis is almost never an isolated cause of infertility. It typically comes with baggage, such as ovulatory dysfunction, which seems to be another problem of ours.

Once the endo was mostly lasered, our course of action was to get ovulation back into shape. My hormones were sluggish. To get ovulation operational, we tried several things to kick the hormones up a notch.

My main symptom of screwed up hormones was the presence of persistent spotting for several days at the end of each cycle. Other than this spotting, my cycles have always been darn near perfect. They are the perfect length (27-30 days), with normal menstrual bleeding and a stellar buildup of cervical mucus. I even had ovulation cramping near the end of my mucus cycle. All the signs of fertility were there. But I kept having this dang spotting for 5-7 days before my period.

Progesterone supplements weren't doing the trick, so we tried other hormonal tricks to get the ovaries to produce more progesterone on their own. Even though progesterone levels would sometimes go up, the spotting continued on.

Now we are onto another avenue of treatment, still trying to accomplish the same end. Get the hormones into balance and eliminate the spotting. And although this was our first cycle on this new medication, I am still discouraged by the persistence of this spotting.

In the back of my mind, I always wonder if the endometriosis is still our primary barrier to fertility. It was pretty extensive.


Yes, those are my organs. Nasty adhesions and all. I won't torture you with the dozen other photos we have of adhesions on the ovaries, in the cul-de-sac, on the bladder. Just trust me, it was a lot.

The endo had fused my tubes to my round ligaments. They were "kinked" like a garden hose. Still, they were technically open. The doctor sent dye through them and took pictures. Stuff was flowing. Once he lasered off all the endo, they should have been even more open.

But endometriosis is a funny thing. One tiny spot here or there can cause screwed up hormones, deficiencies in ovulation, all kinds of weird things. And we know there were spots that the doc couldn't reach without doing a full laparotomy, so there's still stuff in there that hasn't been removed.

We thought it would be enough to restore fertility. It is sufficient for lots of couples...those who get pregnant after laparoscopy. But I continue to have the same screwed up cycle spotting that I had before the laparoscopy. Maybe we just haven't fixed the hormonal problem yet. Or maybe the endometriosis is still the primary culprit.

I kind of see this as my monthly reminder of God calling us to a different sort of parenthood. Yeah, I know it seems strange that we still work on fixing fertility even though we are happy with adoption and intend to pursue it again, but I look at it like the disease that it is...infertility is not the normal, healthy state of human function. There's a cause there, and I want to know what it is. I want to fix it, just to know that it can be fixed.

I know I've said this here before, but I have a feeling that this infertility is always going to be something of a mystery to me. We may never figure it out. And the start of every new cycle is a reminder of that fact. Sometimes it's a painful reminder, sometimes it's not. As I continue to make peace with my infertility, though, I can thank God every day for the gift it has brought to us. And in thanksgiving for this precious gift, we continue to carry this cross of infertility together, with as much joyfulness as we can muster.

Although, it's not hard to muster up some joy when you see a smile like this.