Observations

1. We spent our weekend leading one of these. While we enjoy the time away together, we always miss Olivia, and she misses us. She's one of those kids who absolutely thrives on predictability and the stability of being at home. Though her weekend caregivers were familiar to her and she loves spending time with them, there's always an element of discomfort when it comes to being away from Mommy and Daddy. So on Sunday, when Grandpa brought her to the retreat house to join us for the closing Mass, we were greeted with the unmistakable smile of pure joy. The moment she saw each of us, her face just lit up like a Christmas tree and she wriggled with all of her might to break free from Grandpa to get to us. (Grandpa didn't take offense.) There is no way to describe the feeling of being so adored...so singularly important in the mind of a child. We were feeling the love.

2. Every single time I experience Olivia's need for stability (of caregivers, of location, of schedule), I think of her birth siblings. Every. Single. Time. I say a prayer that they might someday experience the safety and security that comes with a stable home life. And I pray for all the other little kids out there who aren't blessed with a consistent home or caregiver. I can't imagine what kind of damage is done to their developing little psyches...to be so transient and never experience stability and peace. Parents and home...these are supposed to be a child's sanctuary...a place to feel safe when the world gets confusing. God bless all those children who are deprived of these things.

3. I buy cold medicine in the value size now. I used to throw away unused cold medicine once the expiration date has passed. I don't see that happening again for a long, long time.

4. Although I have no control over this, I've been thinking that it would be really nice if our next child comes to us in the Spring or Summer. It always seems easier to avoid colds and illness when we are not cooped up inside with all the germs recirculating around. Colds and newborns do not mix well. I'm also hoping to avoid the overstimulation that comes with the pre-holidays-infant. We didn't sleep much over Thanksgiving and Christmas in 2007 when Olivia was mere weeks old. She would use sleep as an escape mechanism during the holiday gatherings and then would scream for hours on end when we got home to our peaceful, quiet house. Not a fun time for any of us.

5. I've been thinking about openness to life and how it applies to adoption. In short, to be open to life is to be open to God's creative power within the marital embrace. There is, of course, a place for family planning that respects the natural order, but ultimately the couple is in cooperation with God through prayer and careful planning about when to add to their family.

There is little to be found, though, for those in our shoes...couples who are open to children but do not apparently have the ability to conceive. We believe our infertility was and is a part of our call to adoption, and I think there is something to explore there. Openness to life as it applies to adoption...an interesting topic. I'm saving this for a day when I have lots of time and brain power to devote, but it is on my mind.

Birthday Countdown continued...

You have grown so fast. It's almost as if I can see you growing before my eyes. One day, you were lying on your back with a bald spot on the back of your head, and the next day, you were standing up in your crib.
"Pulling up" was soon followed by "cruising along furniture", and I could tell that you couldn't WAIT to start walking. You tried and tried for weeks to take more than a couple of steps at a time. And then, at ten months, something just clicked and you took off. You've been running circles around me ever since.

While I rejoiced with every new milestone, a little bit of me also missed the baby that was left behind. I am so blessed to have been able to watch you grow and learn and change. I love you, my sweet little girl. I am proud to be your Mommy.

Birthday Countdown

Dear Olivia,

Your first birthday is just two days away. I cannot believe the time has passed so quickly. It seems like just yesterday, we were holding you for the first time. You were so sweet, so tiny and so sleepy!
We were in love with you from the first moment we saw you. Five days later, we went to the courthouse, and a lawyer asked us some questions before the judge. The judge signed some papers and congratulated us. Daddy looked at me and said, "Let's go pick up our baby." I cried happy tears as we left to pick you up from the hospital. That was one of the happiest days of my life.

We took you home and watched your personality emerge. It didn't take long for you to let us know who was in charge of the house now.

You were a good and happy baby. You started smiling very early, and then you didn't stop.
Your smile would light up a room, so our house was always bright. We took joy in watching every little discovery and delighted in each milestone.

How were we so lucky to be blessed with you?

To be continued tomorrow...

Always learning

Little kids amaze me. They are constantly going and constantly learning. It's just so interesting to watch.

I've been watching Olivia these past few days, and she doesn't stop moving. We were in the back yard the other day raking leaves (I was raking, she was kicking her way through my piles), and it occurred to me that she was making new discoveries every second. Watching the way the leaves move when you kick them, seeing if this stem tastes different than that one, trying to climb over the landscaping rocks to see what is on the other side before Mommy catches me...there's just so much to discover!

She challenges me to open my eyes to the wonders of every new day.

Poor, unhappy baby

First of all, thanks for the song suggestions! They were great, and I'll be using a few of them. Very, very helpful!!!

Olivia knows that Daddy is not here. And she's not happy about it. For the most part, she plays and runs around like always, but she DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO BED. Not for naps, and not at night. I think she remembers that she went to bed the other night, and when she got up Daddy was gone and he hasn't come back. So now she's VERY clingy at bedtime and screams herself to sleep.

This is so hard, people. My baby is usually one to lay down and go right to bed. She talks to herself sometimes, or watches her jungle wonders thingie, but naps and bedtime have been a breeze for many months. Until now. She's still her happy self as long as she's awake and in my presence, but she does not want to be left alone or go to bed.

Come home quickly, Daddy. We are both a little weary in your absence.

Priceless blessings

I've been having a rather introspective kind of day, and although I felt like I should blog, I've been sitting here trying to figure out where to start. My mind is everywhere.

I've been doing some research during the last few weeks in preparation for our next adoption. We are planning to go with an agency this time around to make the process a little more predictable (ha!), and I think I've found one that we would be happy using. That said, I ran the numbers last night on our probable expense versus available funds. Let's just say it was shocking.

For comparison's sake, I added up all of our receipts from Olivia's adoption. When we started the process with her, we were expecting a rather smooth, in-state independent adoption and figured the total expense would come out well under the federal tax credit for adoption. And then her birthmom moved out of state, our costs shot up, and we ended up spending almost as much as we would have spent using an agency. Not that we would change it...it was worth all the stress and confusion and every cent and then some to bring our angel home. It's just that it has left us in a tighter spot for funding a second adoption.

We have both been feeling the call to adopt again, and sooner rather than later. I like the idea of our kids being close-ish in age. And though I don't want to admit this out loud (because I always had the idea that I'd like to have four or five kids), there is a possibility that our next baby could be our last. We could always be surprised with a pregnancy or a huge influx of cash to make it possible for us to adopt again. But the reality of the moment is that pregnancy does not seem likely and adoption is JUST! SO! EXPENSIVE! God could surprise us with an independent referral and in-state placement (read: way less expensive), and we'd certainly be open to that possibility. I'm just not planning on it.

I don't think the money will keep us from moving forward soon-ish. We can make it happen...it's just going to be a sacrifice. But if there is anything that the volatile state of the worldwide market has taught us recently, it is that there are no guarantees. The market could go way up this quarter, or it could bottom out. But money spent on adding a child to our family will never be missed. Not when you get to experience the priceless joy of watching that child's sweet personality express itself every day. Olivia has taught us that parenthood is well worth the price.

Recently, I've been experiencing many moments of pure joy and thankfulness for the gift of Olivia. She has reached a very fun age. As she runs around the house chanting, "busy, busy, busy", sits to closely examine a piece of carpet lint, or runs over and pats me on the back, I can't help but think how blessed I am to experience every moment of her young life. She is so full of energy and curiosity. She helps me recognize the little blessings that we take for granted each day...the sounds of dogs and birds outside when the windows are open, the fun of running around in the leaves, the pure enjoyment that comes with giving and receiving hugs and kisses. It is a true blessing, and these days, I find myself thinking that I could do this forever and enjoy it.

Of course, this is just a season of life. Someday, we'll have another baby, then we'll be back to the season of sleepless nights and zombie days. Later, the kids will grow, and we'll be in the season of schoolwork and softball practice and soccer mom. Everything changes.

Which is why I'm determined to make an effort to enjoy every moment of babyhood the second time around. I think I spent a lot of Olivia's infant days just praying that she would learn to sleep.

Still, I recall a few moments in her earliest days when I was overcome by the precious gift we were given. Like the last day we were enduring the ICPC wait. We were already deep into sleep deprivation, having spent several days in a hotel with a baby who didn't want to sleep. But on the day before Thanksgiving, my birthday, only hours before receiving the call that we were cleared to go home, we were sitting in a little restaurant pub having lunch. It was raining cats and dogs, and we were pretty wet after running with a carseat and diaper bag through the parking lot. We were still stressed that our ICPC clearance wouldn't be granted by the end of the day and then we'd be stuck through the entire holiday weekend in a city where we knew no one and a state where we knew few.

But I looked at that sweet little face, still asleep in her carseat, being a perfect angel while we had a nice lunch. And I realized that this precious little child was worth all the stress and hardship because she was ours. Our little gift from God. A gift that seemed so far beyond our grasp after struggling with infertility, and a gift made even sweeter after that struggle.

We have been blessed.

Child development is amazing

Some things about child development just amaze me. When Olivia was a newborn, every waking moment was about experiencing something brand new. And it was all so overwhelming to her. I can understand why infants get overstimulated so easily. Imagine knowing nothing but dark, warm wetness for your entire existence and then suddenly being thrust into a world full of bright lights and strange noises and big shapes. Babies quickly begin to recognize those two people who are always hanging around (a.k.a. Mommy and Daddy) as the providers of all their survival and comfort needs, and they start to trust them. But for the most part, they really aren't very social. They just sort of exist and get their needs met.

Gradually, they begin to interact on a more social level. And before you know it, you have an intelligent little 8-month old who mimics words that you say (or at least your inflection), understands meals and naptime, claps when she's excited and follows Mommy around when she's doing household chores (because, you know the laundry is so much more interesting than any of her musical, talking or moving toys).



She's developing her own wake-up style and her personal preferences for naps and play and eating. She teaches us how to be parents as we grow together. And every day, there are moments when she just amazes me. When I go in to get her out of her crib after a nap, and she's sitting in the corner playing with her doll, and she flashes me that famous smile the moment she sees me...pure joy. I'll never fully understand how we got so lucky as to be blessed with this amazing child.

I think we are slightly spoiled. Although Olivia has her bad moments, the amazing moments completely outweigh them. I'm not sure how a second baby is going to stack up...although something tells me that whenever and however he or she appears on the scene, it will be different, but just as amazing and miraculous as Olivia has been for us.

Adoption Story, Part Four

Olivia was born on November 12th, a Monday. The laws of the state where she was born required a 72-hour waiting period before the birthmother could sign papers relinquishing her parental rights, and she would also be required to do this in the presence of a judge, in court, after a period of questioning to be sure she knew what she was doing, etc. Because our birthmother had just endured surgery and required some recovery time before she could reasonably be expected to appear in court, her attorney scheduled our hearings for Friday, November 16th. Olivia would be required to remain in the care of the hospital until after this hearing, so we camped out in the hospital for the week.

Although I was a little disappointed with the wait, it really was a great week for us. Olivia was born in a Catholic hospital that had a wing of rooms they used for guests who wanted to stay to be near a patient. The rooms were in what was probably once a residence for nuns who ran the hospital. They were like little monastic cells, with a couple of twin beds, a sink and a little closet. There were communal bathrooms, showers, kitchen area and TV room, but as far as we could tell, we were the only ones staying there. So this little residence worked out nicely for us. The worst part about staying in this wing was that it was a good 15-mile hike (just a slight exaggeration) through the maze of hospital halls to get from our room to the baby nursery, but it was a small price to pay for staying in a cozy, on-site room for just $10.00 per night.

We spent much of our time in and out of the baby nursery. The nurses always let us take Olivia out of the nursery to an unoccupied maternity room, where we would feed her and rock her and change her and stare at her for long periods of time. We spent some time visiting Samantha as she recovered from surgery. Mostly, we just sat and enjoyed this new sensation of being parents of this amazing little baby.

On Thursday, Samantha was discharged at around noon, and shortly before that she shuffled (slowly, with much pain) down to the room where Olivia and I were staring at each other. She sat with us and held Olivia for awhile. Just before she left to go back to her room to change and pack her things, she held Olivia up and said, "Well, I sure am glad I got to meet you, little girl. I know you are going to have a great life and great parents. And I sure am happy about that." It made my heart break and leap at the same time.

On Friday at noon, we sat in the waiting area at the courthouse for our turn to do whatever was required of us to complete this process. Samantha was a little late and walking very slowly...still very sore from her surgery. But she managed to get into the courtroom. After about 20 minutes, she came back out with her attorney and said to us, "Take good care of that little girl." We assured her that we would.

Then it was our turn in the courtroom. We sat as an attorney read the papers we signed and kept asking questions like, "Is that correct?" to verify that we had understood what we signed. Then the judge said something like, "This court finds that this couple is well suited to be adoptive parents of this child, Infant Female LastName, and recommends that the child be released to their care and custody, pending finalization of adoption..." blah, blah, etc. Then he turned to us and congratulated us with a smile. My husband turned to me, hugged me and said, "Let's go to the hospital and get our baby." At which point I started to cry.

So, we went back to the hospital, dressed Olivia in her "leaving the hospital" clothes, strapped her into her carseat for the first time and waited for the attorney to bring the papers to the hospital so they could let us leave. While we were waiting, the nurses gave us bags and bags of goodies...several packages of infant diapers, cases of nursette bottles of prepared formula, a diaper bag with samples of this and that...they were so good to us. I'm sure this is built into the cost of her hospital care, but still.

Waiting to be released from the hospital.


The attorney finally came and we were escorted out of the hospital by the social worker. We all piled into the very packed car and headed out.

Just the first of many, many car trips.


I wish I could say that we were headed home to happiness and joy, but we were stuck in Olivia's state of birth (not our state) for another five days. For those who are not familiar with adoption law, there's this interstate compact thingie where the birth state's office of adoption affairs (or something) has to review the adoption paperwork, make sure everything was completed according to that state's law, and then forward the paperwork to our resident state's adoption affairs office, where they have to review to make sure their state laws were satisfied. We were informed that it was against the law for us to take this baby across state lines until this paperwork was approved by both states and we received permission to go home. After spending five nights in hotels with a newborn, I don't think the internet should have to hear what I think of this law.

In retrospect, those five hotel days weren't the hell I thought they were at the time. The hotels we had were nice. We got to visit some very generous friends. We got to spend more time staring at our beautiful baby before the onslaught of visiting family members began. But at the time, I was crippled by the incredible lack of sleep, which fed my insecurities about my ability to care for this tiny human, and we were also anxious about the timing of the paperwork. Since Olivia was released on a Friday, the paperwork processing didn't start until the following Monday. And if it wasn't finished by the end of Wednesday, we knew that we would be camping out for at least another four days because of the Thanksgiving holiday.

Please take me home so we can find some clothes that actually fit!


Thanks be to God, we got a call from our lawyer on Wednesday afternoon, November 21st (my birthday), saying that the paperwork had been approved and we could come home. This was just about the best birthday news I could have received at the time. We arrived home, at our house, around 9:00 p.m. that night. We were welcomed by a few family members, including my parents, who volunteered to take the tiny sleepy baby home with them so her physically and emotionally exhausted parents could get some sleep. We were too tired to refuse.

The next few days were a blur of Thanksgiving celebrations, and it was a lot of stress (to be honest) with a little tiny baby who was overstimulated, but we were so elated to be home that we didn't care.

Finally home! Take me out of this carseat already!

Adoption Story, Part Three

We were in pretty regular contact with Samantha during the last couple of weeks leading up to the delivery. Every time we called, she gave a report on how she was feeling and what the doctor had said about when he thought they could schedule the c-section. Everything was all set up for November 12th, a Monday, but she was to see the doctor on the previous Friday for some tests to see if she was ready. She wasn't technically due until about a week later.

We talked to Samantha on Sunday as we were driving to the hotel in the town where she would give birth and told her we'd meet her in L&D around 8:30 the next morning. She was scheduled for surgery at 10:00 a.m.

We stayed at one of the worst hotels on the planet that night. It was pretty bad. The rooms were adequately clean, but the walls seemed to be paper thin, and this hotel allowed pets. So we spent most of the night hearing doors slam in the hall and listening to the incessant barking of some annoying little dog down the hall. We had enough on our minds to keep us from falling asleep right away, and these added noises didn't help. Needless to say, we didn't get a lot of sleep.

In the short amount of time I actually did sleep, though, I remember dreaming about the events of the next day. I don't remember much about the dreams, but I do remember one vividly...I remember dreaming that the nurses bringing a baby out to us who had ivory skin, dark eyes and a head full of jet black hair.

We checked out in the morning and headed over to the hospital, stopping for a breakfast sandwich on the way. I was ravenous and sat wondering if I should be eating knowing that I would witness a surgery (from behind a curtain, but still).

We met Samantha in the room where she was basically just waiting for her turn in surgery. She looked great...she had even taken the time that morning to do her make-up, which is something I hadn't bothered to do. She made us feel quite at ease, making small talk and digging out ultrasound photos for us to keep. We took a few pictures together for the baby book. The nurses came in and gave me some scrubs. There was only one person allowed in the delivery room, so my husband would wait it out in the room.

At around 9:45 a.m., the nurse came in to get Samantha for surgery. She came back for me about five minutes later, after they had positioned the curtain and prepped Samantha for surgery. They sat me on a stool by her head. I sat in front of a team of people, whom I guess were probably anesthesiologists or something. They just stood back and didn't say anything.

Everything went pretty quickly from there. From my perspective, I don't remember hearing any surgery sounds or smelling any surgery smells. I just remember watching Samantha as she bravely went through this painful surgery. Yeah, she was anesthetized, but she could feel them pulling and was having trouble breathing from time to time because she felt like they were pushing all of her organs around. Silent tears ran down her face as I stroked her hair and kept asking if she was OK or if she needed anything from this team of silent people behind us.

After a few long minutes, a little cry sounded out in the room (9:59 a.m.). Just one teensy little cry. I knew the baby was out, and then all of a sudden she was placed off to my left in a little isolette with a bunch of nurses toweling her down and rubbing her. I know this sounds a little weird, but it reminded me of what my Dad would do to newborn calves from time to time...he would hold their mouths open and rub them hard on their sides until they started breathing and moving around.

I sat there watching all of this, which Samantha couldn't see from her vantage point, and she asked "Is she OK? Why isn't she crying?". Which was answered with another little yelp from the isolette. The nurses were holding a little tube of oxygen near the baby's mouth, and one of the nurses explained that the baby was just having a little trouble breathing. She said it was common in c-section babies to be a little slow getting all of the fluid out of their lungs (thus all the rubbing). She also invited me to get up and take some pictures of the baby in the isolette. This was her getting oxygen from the tube.



And pretty soon, she was breathing well enough to start crying in spurts. I think she was not too pleased to be naked in this very cold operating room.



She was weighed and measured, and then the nurses took her off to the special care nursery, where she would receive oxygen for awhile until she was breathing better. Before they took her off, they held her out for me and Samantha to give her a kiss.

They sent me out of the room to find my husband and wheeled Samantha out to a recovery room. I burst through those doors with such a feeling of exhilaration...I can't even describe it. I found my husband and just kept saying, "She's so beautiful, she's so perfect." After I finally calmed down, we found a nurse who told us we could see the baby in about an hour, and she gave us a room where we could wait. Soon, we were taken to the special care nursery, where my husband first laid eyes on our tiny Olivia. He fell in love immediately.

More about our hospital experience in the next installment. For now, I'll leave you with a photo of the baby I saw in my dream the night before. I couldn't believe how accurate that dream was...

Adoption Story, Part Two

September 6, 2007. We arrived at our counselor friend's office and nervously waited to meet this young woman, Samantha.

I was SO NERVOUS. We were brought into the office where Samantha was waiting, and she was very friendly and smiled at us as we came in. My husband sat calmly while I asked her questions and answered any questions she asked. We had brought some family photos and photos of our house to share. It felt to me like the most important job interview of my life.

I remember two things clearly. The first was that Samantha was extremely calm and didn't seem to have a lot of questions for us. The second was that I remember that her main concern for us was that we were aware that the baby's birthfather was African American, and that meant the baby would probably have coarse, black hair. Samantha was just so concerned that we take the time to research how to do the baby's hair. I thought that was a weird thing to pick as your main concern.

Well whatever happened in that first meeting must have convinced her that we were the right couple for her baby, because from that point on, she was insistent that she wanted to place her baby WITH US. This became even more important when she moved to another state.

At this first meeting, Samantha told us directly that she wanted to place her baby with us. "You guys seem like a really nice couple...and I'm sure you'll be good parents for my baby." The whole tone of the conversation made it pretty clear that she had made her decision.

Samantha had just seen the doctor for an ultrasound a few weeks earlier, and he had told her that she was carrying a girl and that he expected her to deliver in mid-November. The delivery, she told us, would have to be a c-section. She already has three little girls*, all born by c-section, and the doctor felt it would be safest. So Samantha expected the surgery to be scheduled and invited us to plan to be in the delivery room with her. She said, "She's going to be your baby, so it's right that you should be there for the delivery." As a mom herself, she felt that those first moments and days were important for bonding, and she wanted us to experience that. I was ecstatic. How could we have been so lucky to be introduced to such an amazingly generous birthmom? I was totally amazed.

The next couple of months were a blur. We didn't yet have a homestudy, since we had only learned of this birthmom a few weeks earlier. We researched agencies and picked one to do our homestudy. We nervously waited for all the documents and paperwork to come in. We stressed out when we heard that Samantha was in the hospital with preterm labor, and was sent home with some drugs to stop the contractions. Our homestudy wasn't complete and we were panicked that the baby would come before we had everything ready.

And then came the big news. A few weeks prior to the due date, Samantha abruptly made the decision to move to another state. There is a complicated story behind why this happened, but the important point to know is that she felt she didn't have much choice. So here she was, a few hours away in another state, and it occurred to her that she needed to call and make sure that we were still on board with this situation if she remained in the other state. She didn't know what complications it would cause, but she thought it might cause us to think twice about this match if we had to travel. But she was still insistent that, if possible, she wanted to place the baby WITH US. She must have really liked us.

We were still on board, of course, but we needed to consult with our lawyer to find out what this new situation would mean. He needed to find her a lawyer in her new city, and he consulted with that lawyer about their state's adoption laws. After a lot of expensive phone calls, we got the information we needed about what we could expect when the baby came. It was all pretty complicated, but that will be explained in the next installment.


*There are various reasons why Samantha decided to place this baby for adoption, but one of the biggest was that she felt she was already limping along taking care of her three little girls as a single mom. I could tell she cared a great deal about this little one she was carrying, but she knew that she could give her a better life, and she was already stretched pretty thin taking care of the kids she had.

Adoption Story, Part One

I've always been attracted to the idea of adoption. In fact, we tossed around the idea early in our marriage as something we'd like to do "after we have a couple of kids". It was always something of an ideal, floating out there in "maybeland", waiting for someday.

Then we didn't get pregnant right away. When we started looking into why, we also started tossing the adoption idea around again, but it was still purely theoretical.

October, 2006. Joe's aunt died, and besides leaving him a sizeable collection of whiskey barrel rec room furniture (no, I'm not kidding), he also inherited some money. By this time, we were pretty sure we had some significant fertility problem, so we decided to save that money in case we decided to pursue adoption in the future. I throw this in to explain why we were ABLE to make the decision to pursue adoption, meet a birthmom, prepare baby's room, travel to Neighboring State, spend 10 days there and pay our attorneys for all the extra work involved in interstate adoption...all within a 3 month period of time. We were blessed enough to be financially ready for the blow. God bless Aunt B.

Also in October, 2006, I had a laparoscopy and discovered that I did, in fact, have some pretty extensive endometriosis. Tubes were fused to ligaments, uterus pulled backward. Lesions that were causing my insides to look pretty screwed up. My amazing doctor removed all that he could within the limits of laparoscopy, and he said to give it six months before we pursued further types of treatment. Six months to see if laparoscopy alone would remove whatever impediment we had to achieving pregnancy. So we wait...

Being the impatient person I am, after about three months with no success, I started doing some serious adoption research. Now, I had not decided that pregnancy was out of the question. Quiet to the contrary...I was pretty positive that somewhere down the line, we'd find the cure to the infertility problem. But something inside me was changing...I guess you could say that I was feeling a calling or a tugging at my heart, moving me toward adoption.

After awhile, I let my husband in on these feelings, and I told him I wanted to attend a seminar that one of the agencies in our state was holding in a couple of weeks. I was really interested in gathering all the information we could.

March, 2007. We attended the agency seminar, which was mostly about domestic adoption. Later in the month, we attended another seminar for an international adoption agency. We discussed. I was leaning toward domestic adoption, at least for our first child. I was drawn to the idea of having a newborn, who would know me as her mother from her first days. My husband was a little more interested in international, but we were still rather undecided about even pursuing any of this yet.

April, 2007. I had an appointment with my doctor, who had me do a hormonal work-up just prior to the appointment. He decided that I wasn't ovulating properly. My hormones needed a boost. There are several ways to do this, but he picked the one he thought would be easiest for me and most likely to help, and off we went.

Well, after several months and some more tests, we decided that this treatment wasn't doing any good, so the doctor recommended the next option, more effective but a bit more difficult. This one involved hormone supplements in the form of an injection, which my husband was expected to administer. We were mulling over whether or not to start trying this treatment when...

August, 2007. My husband and I took a vacation and spent some time discussing the whole "adoption vs. fertility" thing. I asked him if he'd be OK with us pursuing both at the same time. He said "Well, yeah...I mean, don't you think it's time to start our family? We should throw our hat in the ring and let the chips fall where they may" Or something like that. At least that was the gist of what he was saying.

We had decided on the domestic avenue, and I was supposed to call the previously mentioned agency and set up a time to start our homestudy. I put it off for a few days because we had just returned from vacation and work was a little crazy. Then, the Thursday following vacation, I received a phone call...

A former coworker of mine who was currently doing some contract counseling work had met a young woman who was more than 6 months pregnant and wanted to place her baby for adoption. The baby would be biracial, which would make her more difficult to place, and as this counselor was thinking through her options for seeking out adoptive parents for this baby, she thought of us.

See, back in our research phase the previous Spring, I had approached this counselor to ask about local options for adoption. She knew we were interested in adoption, so she thought she'd go out on a limb and ask if we'd be interested in adopting this particular child...

Well, we decided that we were. It didn't take long to make this decision. We kind of felt like this was being placed in our laps. I mean, the very week we become open to moving forward with adoption, we get a call about a birthmother. That can't be coincidence, people.

We set up a time to meet with this counselor and the young woman who wanted to place her baby. The birthmom had to approve of us, of course, before anything else could move forward. Two weeks later, early September, we waited nervously to meet the woman who had the ability to start our family.

Stay tuned...

Almost...there...

Well, internet, tomorrow is officially my last day of work.

Even though I've had mixed feelings up to this point, I'm feeling pretty good today. Nearly everything I wanted to do in training my replacement and preparing for the transition has been completed. Which is why I actually have time to post today.

I'm looking forward to creating a quasi-schedule for my new lifestyle. Playdates with the cousin who lives in the same town as we do. Trips to the library. Joining a mom's group. Finally cleaning up the disaster area known as our home office.

Ambitious, I know.

Anyway, that wasn't the point of today's post. This post has been percolating in my mind for weeks. And I finally have the time to write it.

Today's post is brought to you by the number two. As in, children.

Several of my favorite blogging moms have been posting lately about increasing their family size. Many congrats to Maggie and Blog Nerd on their pregnancy news! (Seriously, I'm starting to think the two of you are in sync somehow...weren't your first babies born in the same month? And now you are both expecting #2 at pretty much the same time? Hmmm...). Arwen also recently posted on her thoughts on this topic.

I guess it's just inevitable...you get at a point with baby #1 when you start remembering, with fondness made possible only by the passage of time, how cute and cuddly she was when she was a newborn. Oh, those tiny newborn diapers and sleepers, and how wonderful and beautiful and new she was! And, yes it was hard, but you've learned to handle it, and look how good you are with her now. Of course, you always wanted more than one child, and why not get started now since you're handling baby #1 so well, and kudos to you for that too!

This is the dialogue I have going on in my head.

Let's start over for a minute, shall we? For those of you who were reading this blog months ago before it became ALL ABOUT THE BABY, you may remember that just prior to our adoption referral, my doctor and I had just completed several more diagnostic tests and had determined the next step in our "fixing fertility" treatments. And then the adoption referral came, which made it very easy to postpone all of this fertility stuff for awhile. It gets exhausting after awhile, and any infertile will agree. It was nice to have many months where fertility is the last thing on our minds.

But now all these "Baby #2" thoughts are entering my mind, and I'm starting to think we should call the doctor and get started back with all the fertility fixing. Because even though I'm not thrilled about the next step (which involves hormone supplements by intramuscular injection to boost my suboptimal hormones), I think I need to give it a chance or I'll always wonder if just getting over these low hormones would have done the trick and allowed us to achieve pregnancy.

So, in a month or two or three, we'll probably start back up on trying to fix my fertility. I'm not really sure I'm ready for that ride yet, but at least I know now that it has an end. We'll make sure of that. We'll put a number on how many cycles we're willing to try this, and then I can happily get off the fertility bus for good and be ready to pursue adoption #2.

Either way, we do plan to give Olivia a sibling someday. In the meantime, I'm SO going to enjoy just being her mommy. Not working, not commuting...just being Mommy.

And counting...

I'm nearing the end of my workday, and that means that I have five (yes, five) work days left until I retire to be a SAHM. OK, maybe six, but next Thursday is more of a luncheon-attending, wrap-up day than anything else.

Today was exhausting. And I didn't technically do anything that could be classified as "work". At least not anything that moved a program forward or cleared up details on an upcoming event. I spent the entire day explaining what I do, program by program, to my very capable and well-chosen replacement as she took notes and asked questions. And it completely drained me.

I don't know if it was the constant mental activity that was so taxing or if it was the fact that I was basically trying to recount eight years of planning and programming (we got through about half of it today). But it was a hard day, and it has left me with a bit of anxiety.

It's not that I don't think she'll do a good job. In fact, she is probably better for the job than me at this stage because she represents a fresh pair of eyes with new ideas and a new perspective. But now that we've reached the eleventh hour, I'm starting to wonder if I can just drop everything and leave at the end of next week. It's going to be a challenge, to be sure.

In other news, Olivia is sleeping better (thank God!). She still wakes at night, but the last couple of nights I could tell that she was just talking to herself (not crying or hungry), so I didn't go in there and she just fell back to sleep on her own after about 10 minutes. I think she may be over the major part of her growth spurt. Now, though, she appears to have some sort of stomach bug or something because she is spitting up half of what she eats. No fever, no crying...just this fountain of recycled formula everywhere with no warning. *Sigh* The joys of parenting. Soon to be a 24/7 adventure for this aspiring SAHM.

All I ever wanted...

Last week was interesting, what with the baby's nasty head cold and the return of the middle-of-the-night feeding. Now that she's (mostly) over her cold, though, she's back to her 9+ hour sleeping cycle at night, and we're relieved.

To celebrate her newly-returned health, Olivia decided to roll over for me. I'm completely not kidding. On Saturday morning, I decided to try some "tummy time" even though she usually hates it because I was tired and wanted to lie on the floor. I was lying right next to her, and before I knew it she was on top of me because she had rolled over. I was so excited that I rolled her right back and let her fuss until she rolled over again (which she did)! She's so accomplished!

Did I mention that I think she's starting the teething process? She is drooling and chewing on everything and fussing for no reason. I think it's just some soreness and may take awhile for the pearly whites to start appearing, but she's definitely starting to feel it.

Yesterday, we took Olivia for her 3-month photos. We had the most talented photographer ever, because Olivia was SO tired and fussy and had a meltdown at one point, and we still got the most adorable smile photos ever. We did some family photos and several different backgrounds and positions with Olivia by herself. By then end of the session, Olivia was so worn out that she actually fell asleep on the pillow prop while we were trying to get some final photos. Poor thing.

We got the most amazing family photo...she has this huge smile and is looking right at the camera. As I think back on that photo (which will hang on our wall as soon as it comes in), I realize that I am so amazingly blessed. I have everything I ever wanted...a brilliant and loving husband, and the most beautiful baby girl in the world. Yes, we want to have more kids someday, but right now I can't help but feel that I am right where I have always dreamed of being. I am a wife, and I am a Mom. Life is good.

To process thoughts

Well, I'm starting this blog primarily to give myself an outlet for processing thoughts on starting a family, infertility, watching friends/family members build their families, and how it all makes me feel. Yes, it's all about FEELINGS isn't it? For those of you who've ridden the rollercoaster of fertility, you know that dealing with all the emotions that go with trying, hoping, waiting, hoping, and then discovering AGAIN that you've failed to conceive...well, the emotions and feelings are probably the hardest part.

So, if you have nothing better to do, come with me on this journey. The next post will bring us up to speed on where we've been so far...