Adrift

It's Monday morning, and the boys I watch showed up sleep-deprived today. There is no one to blame...sometimes kids wake up and can't fall back asleep. I understand that as well as anyone. I just know that it spells trouble for us around mid-morning.

But, for the moment, all three kids are playing pretend games happily in Olivia's room. It's not exactly quiet, but it's peaceful. For now.

My brain has been in overdrive this week. Samantha's situation weighs heavily on my mind. I keep feeling like I should call her, but I don't know how much is too much contact. Maybe she needs to hear from a supportive voice. Maybe she just wants to be left alone. So I sit in indecision.

In the meantime, I vacillate between feelings of sorrow for her and sorrow for us. It's entirely selfish, but ever since she announced her pregnancy, I have entertained visions of a second dark-eyed, curly-headed beauty occupying a space in our family. Now I feel adrift...as if our adoption wait is futile and endless. It shouldn't feel any different than it did a month ago, before we knew of Samantha's pregnancy. But it does.

This next month we must make some sort of decision. Our homestudy expires at the end of February. We have been "active" and waiting with this agency for two years. There is no forseeable end anymore.

There is another agency in this state whom we have considered in the past...an agency that provides quick placements (6-12 months). They reportedly do a great job of counseling for the birth parents, before and after the placement. We had expected to sign on with them before we got Olivia's referral so unexpectedly. But then, when we were researching our adoption avenues for #2, we ruled them out as too expensive.

I'm wondering now if it may be worth it.

We have to put our heads together and discuss how to proceed. I just don't like this drifty feeling. It feels like we've had a number of near-misses on finding our own adoption match in two years, and meanwhile there has been no movement from our agency. It's time for movement.