I read an article today about kids with disabilities, and it made me think of my friend's daughter, Mary, who has Down Syndrome. Mary is a sweet 4-year-old who believes herself to be in charge of everything. Recently, her Mom brought her to help with hospitality at a program we were leading, and Mary was just hilarious. She would march people up and down the stairs, babbling and gesturing to show people where they needed to go. I can understand about 10% of what she actually says, but it is obvious that SHE knows what she is saying. She is determined and headstrong and prone to tantrums, but she is also sweet and social and engaging.
The other interesting thing about Mary is that she is adopted. In other words, her parents consciously chose to accept the challenge of raising a disabled child. And they do so with grace and patience that overwhelms me.
I've seen many families who have been blessed with such a special person in their lives. I have often wondered if we'd be strong enough to open our home to a disabled child. Sometimes, I feel a little guilty for not having done that already. Then I start to feel a little guilty for thinking that, just maybe, our family might be complete with two kids. I mean, there are all these kids out there (especially special needs and foster care kids) who need good homes, right?
It's OK, really, to be happy with "just" two. It's OK not to think about the future and whether or not other kids might someday join our family. Simcha rocks, by the way, for reassuring me of this. Babies are hard. Even easy babies. Sleep deprivation sucks the life right out of you.
Additionally, I realize that we have some special needs in our family right now anyway. Always a challenging child, Olivia has ramped up the level of challenge since Marty appeared. She is emotional and insecure and attention-seeking and NEEDS every ounce of energy I can give her. Yesterday was a good day. She listened and helped out and did what was asked of her probably 80% of the time. There were no major meltdowns. There was relative peace in the household.
And by the time she went to bed, I was exhausted. Bone-tired. Weary. Keeping her at her best requires constant creativity and intervention on my part. Starting to melt down because Mommy needs to fix dinner and can't draw a dinosaur right now at this very second? Oh, wait, didn't we draw a dinosaur already? Look in your notebook...oh, that was a mermaid! Silly me! Can you check your notebook to see if we drew any other mermaids? Are there any with purple hair? Why don't you draw a bunch of fish friends for the mermaid and see how many friends you can give her before I finish making the soup? I'll bet you can draw at least ten! No, don't touch your brother. No, honey, don't pick him up. He's fine right there. Why don't you show him your mermaid family. Tell him a story about the mermaids. He'll like that. Just don't pick him up. Please. You are doing a great job.
It's an exercise in distraction. And balance. And reassurance. Trying to keep her happy while keeping the baby alive...it is a lot. (And by keeping the baby alive, I mean keeping his sister from crushing him. She is not good at discerning what is "gentle touch" and what kind of touch will cause serious bodily injury to her infant brother.)
What I'm saying is that, for now, two is enough. Sometimes, more than enough. That may change as the kids get older and (please God) less needy. Or it may not. And I'm OK with that. If we are called to be good parents for these two kids, part of that is determining whether a new addition would, in fact, be good for these two kids. And being open to whatever God is calling us to do. Right now, he's calling us to keep Marty fed and happy while paying extra attention to Olivia's emotional needs. And that, my friends, is plenty.
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Tiny clothes
Today I have an unexpectedly light day...three kids instead of five. Two kids are asleep on the couch. The youngest of my charges today is adorably toddling around, happily carrying her sippy of milk around and talking to random pieces of furniture in her baby-babble-speak. And smiling...she is full of smiles today. Olivia is off at preschool. So...easy, at least for the moment.
I am taking this opportunity to do a little Spring cleaning. Yesterday I cleaned too-small clothes out of Olivia's closet and bagged them up for her cousin. Today I decided to tackle the pack-n-play in the third bedroom...supposedly a prepared haven for second baby, but which has lately become a storage bin for anything-that-doesn't-have-a-home-at-the-moment.
After cleaning out non-baby-related items, I organized what was left. One huge Thirty-*ne style tote full of blankets. Two boppy pillows. One mostly-empty diaper bag (ready to be filled with diapers, wipes and formula) and one diaper bag full of the cutest little yellow-and-green newborn onesies, pants and sleepers. And bibs and burp rags, because I remember what Olivia was like. Gah!
It occurred to me that I first packed that bag more than three years ago, when we finished our first homestudy post-Olivia. Three years. That is one ridiculously long gestation.
Yes, we have switched agencies. Yes, we are only 8 months in with the new agency (whose reputation says we should have been placed or at least matched by now, though...). But the waiting...it is getting to me.
Back when we were assessing our options for baby #2, we attended an information session at a local agency for international adoption. We were very interested in China and/or Vietnam. But at the time, it appeared that there would be a 2-3 year wait (after 6-9 months completing paperwork and homestudy), and we really couldn't fathom that kind of wait. One to two years, maybe, but three? That seems like a really long time and Olivia will be so much older than #2 if we do that. There are babies here who need homes. Let's do domestic again.
Three years. We are there, friends.
It appears that, once again, the old saying is true. If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. Looking back, I can see there were times when having a baby in addition to Olivia and her behavior and developmental needs would have been more than challenging. But that doesn't make it any easier to wait.
I know that God can draw straight with crooked lines. I know that the child who ends up in our family will be there because, in some unique and divinely-inspired way, the birthmom will connect to us and to our family and we to her. We are creating a different kind of family here. We know that. We've seen it in our ongoing relationship with Olivia's birthmom. God places people in our lives (and us in theirs) for very good reasons. So maybe we are still waiting for that specific connection that God has in mind that will benefit all parties the most.
I just wish I had some indication of how long that wait would last. And maybe a special money tree to pay for the monthly marketing fees while we are wishing for impossible things.
I am taking this opportunity to do a little Spring cleaning. Yesterday I cleaned too-small clothes out of Olivia's closet and bagged them up for her cousin. Today I decided to tackle the pack-n-play in the third bedroom...supposedly a prepared haven for second baby, but which has lately become a storage bin for anything-that-doesn't-have-a-home-at-the-moment.
After cleaning out non-baby-related items, I organized what was left. One huge Thirty-*ne style tote full of blankets. Two boppy pillows. One mostly-empty diaper bag (ready to be filled with diapers, wipes and formula) and one diaper bag full of the cutest little yellow-and-green newborn onesies, pants and sleepers. And bibs and burp rags, because I remember what Olivia was like. Gah!
It occurred to me that I first packed that bag more than three years ago, when we finished our first homestudy post-Olivia. Three years. That is one ridiculously long gestation.
Yes, we have switched agencies. Yes, we are only 8 months in with the new agency (whose reputation says we should have been placed or at least matched by now, though...). But the waiting...it is getting to me.
Back when we were assessing our options for baby #2, we attended an information session at a local agency for international adoption. We were very interested in China and/or Vietnam. But at the time, it appeared that there would be a 2-3 year wait (after 6-9 months completing paperwork and homestudy), and we really couldn't fathom that kind of wait. One to two years, maybe, but three? That seems like a really long time and Olivia will be so much older than #2 if we do that. There are babies here who need homes. Let's do domestic again.
Three years. We are there, friends.
It appears that, once again, the old saying is true. If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. Looking back, I can see there were times when having a baby in addition to Olivia and her behavior and developmental needs would have been more than challenging. But that doesn't make it any easier to wait.
I know that God can draw straight with crooked lines. I know that the child who ends up in our family will be there because, in some unique and divinely-inspired way, the birthmom will connect to us and to our family and we to her. We are creating a different kind of family here. We know that. We've seen it in our ongoing relationship with Olivia's birthmom. God places people in our lives (and us in theirs) for very good reasons. So maybe we are still waiting for that specific connection that God has in mind that will benefit all parties the most.
I just wish I had some indication of how long that wait would last. And maybe a special money tree to pay for the monthly marketing fees while we are wishing for impossible things.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Scattered thoughts and new look
I got a little nutty yesterday (or maybe it was Tuesday...this week is running together already) and started messing with my blog. I have wanted a new title for awhile. And then I hated the font on the old template and, well, you can see the results of the rest. After all the years I've been blogging, you'd think I'd just make the leap and pay for an actual web address instead of the blogspot thing, but alas...I am thrifty. Especially now.
Yesterday is a bit of a blur. I tend toward the hypoglycemic end of the spectrum, so fasting days are a little difficult. I feel great for awhile after a meal, but then as the next meal time approaches, my brain starts to fog up. Especially since I'm ALSO de-carbing. It's good in the long run because my blood sugar remains more constant for longer periods of time on fats and proteins and veggies instead of quick carbs, but it was kind of bad planning to binge on sugars and grains on Tuesday and then expect to fast at all on Wednesday. Yeah.
I overdosed on caffeine this morning with TWO cups of coffee (yes, I'm a lightweight), so now my mind is racing. I'm thinking I'll get my fabric scraps out and start a project like this today just to keep my hands and mind busy so I don't start obsessing. When I sit still without something to do for too long, I start thinking too hard about our next adoption and wondering when we will be chosen by a birthmom, and that is not terribly productive.
I'd work on one of the many presentations we have to prepare for March (Engaged Encounter and NFP ministries), but again, racing mind. Maybe it will slow down by this afternoon. I'd love to get outside for a bit. The sun is out and Spring is on my mind.
Happy Lent!
Yesterday is a bit of a blur. I tend toward the hypoglycemic end of the spectrum, so fasting days are a little difficult. I feel great for awhile after a meal, but then as the next meal time approaches, my brain starts to fog up. Especially since I'm ALSO de-carbing. It's good in the long run because my blood sugar remains more constant for longer periods of time on fats and proteins and veggies instead of quick carbs, but it was kind of bad planning to binge on sugars and grains on Tuesday and then expect to fast at all on Wednesday. Yeah.
I overdosed on caffeine this morning with TWO cups of coffee (yes, I'm a lightweight), so now my mind is racing. I'm thinking I'll get my fabric scraps out and start a project like this today just to keep my hands and mind busy so I don't start obsessing. When I sit still without something to do for too long, I start thinking too hard about our next adoption and wondering when we will be chosen by a birthmom, and that is not terribly productive.
I'd work on one of the many presentations we have to prepare for March (Engaged Encounter and NFP ministries), but again, racing mind. Maybe it will slow down by this afternoon. I'd love to get outside for a bit. The sun is out and Spring is on my mind.
Happy Lent!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Waiting and more waiting
I wrote our monthly check today for our marketing fees for our agency. I really, really hate that check. I know that they are doing a service for us and that it costs money to provide that service and that they deserve to be paid (and I honestly don't begrudge them that money), but every time I write it and send it out the door, it reminds me that we have gone another month without a placement. And, meanwhile, our savings account can't get any bigger when I keep needing to pay it out for advertising.
It is a vicious cycle. And it's harder now that we've had a call that ended in nothing because I feel like there's a girl out there waiting for us and we just haven't found her yet. So we keep spending the money. Aauugh!
In reality, it would be easier if baby didn't come for a few months (but when ISN'T that the case?). We are in the midst of the school year, with activities and babysitting and regular things going on. We have that cruise vacation scheduled in late June...one which, necessarily, would exclude baby, so if we had baby we'd have to leave him/her behind with someone. That would be really hard. So, ideally, baby would come sometime in late Summer...late July-ish. Which would require a renewal of our homestudy (which expires in August), but that's a pretty minor expense and hassle in the grand scheme of things. That, of course, if five whole months away, so even if that timing DID work out, we likely wouldn't hear from a birthmother even with pre-planning for another couple of months. And I'm not a patient person. Especially when I have a monthly fiscal reminder of our wait.
All of that is to say that I just wrote a check and it makes me ache for a baby to just BE HERE already. Or to have a match with a birthmother so we can start building a relationship. And planning. I'm all about the planning.
I know God's timing is not mine. But that doesn't make it any easier to wait.
It is a vicious cycle. And it's harder now that we've had a call that ended in nothing because I feel like there's a girl out there waiting for us and we just haven't found her yet. So we keep spending the money. Aauugh!
In reality, it would be easier if baby didn't come for a few months (but when ISN'T that the case?). We are in the midst of the school year, with activities and babysitting and regular things going on. We have that cruise vacation scheduled in late June...one which, necessarily, would exclude baby, so if we had baby we'd have to leave him/her behind with someone. That would be really hard. So, ideally, baby would come sometime in late Summer...late July-ish. Which would require a renewal of our homestudy (which expires in August), but that's a pretty minor expense and hassle in the grand scheme of things. That, of course, if five whole months away, so even if that timing DID work out, we likely wouldn't hear from a birthmother even with pre-planning for another couple of months. And I'm not a patient person. Especially when I have a monthly fiscal reminder of our wait.
All of that is to say that I just wrote a check and it makes me ache for a baby to just BE HERE already. Or to have a match with a birthmother so we can start building a relationship. And planning. I'm all about the planning.
I know God's timing is not mine. But that doesn't make it any easier to wait.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
To match or not to match
Last week was...intense. After six months of sending our marketing check to our adoption agency and getting...well, silence...we got a call about a referral. It's not that we are not being shown. In fact, we are being shown A LOT. In fact, we are told that there are lots of new women coming in and making adoption plans...lots of women who fit our profile and therefore are seeing us. But unless we are chosen and they want to meet us, they don't tell us. Now I know why.
On Monday, we got a call from our agency about a birthmother whose first-choice family backed out on her. Before they presented new couples, they wanted to be sure that those couples would be VERY LIKELY to accept her particular story and situation so she wouldn't get burned again by a failed match. We were probably shown to her in the original batch, but this time they wanted to KNOW that we were pretty committed to her story before they showed us.
Of course, we said yes, please show us, and then we waited five long days to get a call that said that this woman was so shaken by losing her first couple that she has decided not to make any solid decisions until much closer to her due date (3 months away).
Those were five LONG days. And that is why they don't call to give us updates on how many times we are shown. It is too hard to play the "what if" game in your mind all the time.
What that experience did for me, though, was make me realize how many things I wanted to do before a baby does appear in this house. So I'm back to nesting. I spent the weekend painting baseboards (a project I've been putting off for 15 months). I have several other projects swirling in my head, and this newfound motivation is bound to get me going on at least some of them.
We have a family wedding to attend this weekend, so my big project for today is to find all of the wedding attire that my mother-in-law bought for Olivia and put it all in one place and to make her a bow to match. Looking forward to watching her move and groove at the reception, and I promise to post some photos here next week of her adorableness.
On Monday, we got a call from our agency about a birthmother whose first-choice family backed out on her. Before they presented new couples, they wanted to be sure that those couples would be VERY LIKELY to accept her particular story and situation so she wouldn't get burned again by a failed match. We were probably shown to her in the original batch, but this time they wanted to KNOW that we were pretty committed to her story before they showed us.
Of course, we said yes, please show us, and then we waited five long days to get a call that said that this woman was so shaken by losing her first couple that she has decided not to make any solid decisions until much closer to her due date (3 months away).
Those were five LONG days. And that is why they don't call to give us updates on how many times we are shown. It is too hard to play the "what if" game in your mind all the time.
What that experience did for me, though, was make me realize how many things I wanted to do before a baby does appear in this house. So I'm back to nesting. I spent the weekend painting baseboards (a project I've been putting off for 15 months). I have several other projects swirling in my head, and this newfound motivation is bound to get me going on at least some of them.
We have a family wedding to attend this weekend, so my big project for today is to find all of the wedding attire that my mother-in-law bought for Olivia and put it all in one place and to make her a bow to match. Looking forward to watching her move and groove at the reception, and I promise to post some photos here next week of her adorableness.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Nesting and waiting
I spent the weekend nesting, so to speak. I had a dream on Friday night about getting a call for a placement, and I woke up and realized that we were very, very unprepared to put a baby anywhere in this house.
The third bedroom, a.k.a. the baby's room, has been used for storage for anything that I wanted to keep out of reach of the kids. As a result, the usable space in this room kept getting smaller and smaller and smaller. So, Saturday I spent nearly the entire day cleaning out this room. It still needs some work, but you can now access both the crib and the dressers without climbing over anything AND you can walk into the closet...which was not possible before the great clean-up. I now feel like we could put a baby in there without fear that he or she would suffocate from the sheer volume of STUFF in the room.
I have a whole list of other "nesting" projects to keep me busy in the next few months. I've found this is necessary to keep from obsessing about the actual, ellusive baby in our future. I try very hard to appear very calm and confident about this whole adoption waiting process. I talk a good line about waiting on God's timing and all. But occasionally things happen to rattle my confidence and make me question why we have to suffer all these things simply to build our family.
I got a Christmas card from a friend I met in Omaha when we were both training to become FertilityCare Practitioners in 2000 and 2001. She was in her early 30s at the time, married and dealing with some major infertility issues. She welcomed her first child through adoption several years later, a couple of years before Olivia was born. And then, when her baby was less than a year old, she discovered that she was pregnant. In her Christmas card this year, I learned that they are expecting their fourth child (third pregnancy) in July. Now in her early 40s, she is classified as an "elderly multigravida"- a title she NEVER would have expected to carry. She is overjoyed. I am overjoyed for her. I understand her struggles to get to this point and am so happy that she is filling her house with children, which has always been her dream.
And yet, such an announcement makes me question again..."Why me? Why us? Why are we continually burdened with waiting while others celebrate such unexpected blessings?"
I was reflecting on this a couple of weeks before Christmas and a quote from Narnia popped into my head. From "The Horse and His Boy," Aslan is speaking to Shasta as Shasta questions why certain things had to happen to him and to his friend as they were on their journey.
"Then it was you who wounded Aravis?"
"It was I."
"But what for?"
"Child, I am telling your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."
I think about that a lot when I get overly frustrated with the wait. I think about it now when someone announces a pregnancy or gets a really quick adoption placement while we wait. God is in charge, and He has reasons for His timing. Maybe there is something we have yet to learn or experience. Maybe there is a baby especially suited for our family who isn't to be born for awhile. Maybe there is a birthmom who needs extra prayers and is really, really struggling with a decision that will ultimately affect us, but right now affects her more than she ever thought possible. It's really not just about me or us or our little family. But ours is the only story WE are told.
So we must be patient, or at least try. And pray. I remain confident that another child is in our future. I'm just a little frustrated with the foggy details. That's the planner in me...always frustrated over things I cannot control. So if you want to pray for me, pray for patience. I could always use an extra dose of that.
The third bedroom, a.k.a. the baby's room, has been used for storage for anything that I wanted to keep out of reach of the kids. As a result, the usable space in this room kept getting smaller and smaller and smaller. So, Saturday I spent nearly the entire day cleaning out this room. It still needs some work, but you can now access both the crib and the dressers without climbing over anything AND you can walk into the closet...which was not possible before the great clean-up. I now feel like we could put a baby in there without fear that he or she would suffocate from the sheer volume of STUFF in the room.
I have a whole list of other "nesting" projects to keep me busy in the next few months. I've found this is necessary to keep from obsessing about the actual, ellusive baby in our future. I try very hard to appear very calm and confident about this whole adoption waiting process. I talk a good line about waiting on God's timing and all. But occasionally things happen to rattle my confidence and make me question why we have to suffer all these things simply to build our family.
I got a Christmas card from a friend I met in Omaha when we were both training to become FertilityCare Practitioners in 2000 and 2001. She was in her early 30s at the time, married and dealing with some major infertility issues. She welcomed her first child through adoption several years later, a couple of years before Olivia was born. And then, when her baby was less than a year old, she discovered that she was pregnant. In her Christmas card this year, I learned that they are expecting their fourth child (third pregnancy) in July. Now in her early 40s, she is classified as an "elderly multigravida"- a title she NEVER would have expected to carry. She is overjoyed. I am overjoyed for her. I understand her struggles to get to this point and am so happy that she is filling her house with children, which has always been her dream.
And yet, such an announcement makes me question again..."Why me? Why us? Why are we continually burdened with waiting while others celebrate such unexpected blessings?"
I was reflecting on this a couple of weeks before Christmas and a quote from Narnia popped into my head. From "The Horse and His Boy," Aslan is speaking to Shasta as Shasta questions why certain things had to happen to him and to his friend as they were on their journey.
"Then it was you who wounded Aravis?"
"It was I."
"But what for?"
"Child, I am telling your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."
I think about that a lot when I get overly frustrated with the wait. I think about it now when someone announces a pregnancy or gets a really quick adoption placement while we wait. God is in charge, and He has reasons for His timing. Maybe there is something we have yet to learn or experience. Maybe there is a baby especially suited for our family who isn't to be born for awhile. Maybe there is a birthmom who needs extra prayers and is really, really struggling with a decision that will ultimately affect us, but right now affects her more than she ever thought possible. It's really not just about me or us or our little family. But ours is the only story WE are told.
So we must be patient, or at least try. And pray. I remain confident that another child is in our future. I'm just a little frustrated with the foggy details. That's the planner in me...always frustrated over things I cannot control. So if you want to pray for me, pray for patience. I could always use an extra dose of that.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Interview Project: Introducing Kristin
One of my favorite bloggers on adoption and related issues, Heather, is hosting an interview project in the adoption-related blogging world. I was randomly paired with Kristin from Parenthood Path. I really enjoyed reading through her blog and getting to know her a bit better through her online story and her interview questions.
Her interview is below. My questions are in italics. Her answers are not. As a point of reference, her husband is M., her son is D., and her son's birth mother is V. Hope you enjoy getting to know Kristin as much as I have!
You and I both have very young adopted children, so we haven’t yet had to deal with school family tree projects or questions from our kids about why their family is different from other families. It does make us think through, about how the birthmother/birth family fits into OUR family as a whole. In your ideal scenario, what would be your birthmother’s role/involvement in your family?
Hmmm…First and foremost, I want D. to have a comfortable and natural relationship with V. (one that makes any scrutiny that his atypical family might receive easy for him to handle). Next, I want V. to have a comfortable and natural relationship with her son. Third, I want V. to have a comfortable and natural relationship with me and M. And last, you guessed it, I want M. and I to have a comfortable and natural relationship with V. I’m not sure how we will achieve these things as our lives progress, but I imagine it will continue to require openness, honesty, respect, and love.
You allude to some problems with maintaining your “ideal “open adoption relationship because the ball gets dropped by V. I can really relate to this. Has this difficulty caused you to re-evaluate your “ideal “relationship, or has it strengthened your resolve to find ways to keep the lines of communication open?
Both. I’d really like to have regular and predictable contact with D’s birth mom, but I’ve had to adjust my expectations a bit and work to “meet her where she’s at.” Shifting my focus has taken some pressure off of me, and I think it’s also helped me personally connect with her better when she is in touch.
Of course, I worry a lot about how contact that isn’t regular and predictable might impact D. It’s been tremendously helpful to learn from other parents (like Heather!) about how they see their role not as protecting their kids from disappointment and hurt, but helping them to navigate difficult (and inevitable) emotions in healthy and productive ways.
Do you have plans to try to adopt again? Why or why not?
I suppose you’ll just have to stay tuned to learn the answer to this question! I will say that our lives are VERY full and happy with the one beautiful child we have.
You’ve talked about positive adoption language on your blog before. What is the most annoying term/phrase you’ve heard used by family or friends in reference to your son and/or his birth family?
Yah, we’ve been asked if we’ve heard from his “real mom,” and other awkward and annoying things. Mostly, though, the slips have just come from people who mean well but just haven’t thought about the implications of their words and found better ways to express themselves. I guess we’re fortunate in that no particularly awful incident comes to mind.
It does bother me that despite all the educating and explaining we’ve tried to do, some people in our lives still seem not to appreciate why we want a close relationship with D’s birth family, regardless of any challenges that might bring.
How do you deal with family or friends who are “repeat offenders” in using language that is not helpful?
At this point, depending on the offender and the offense, I either shrug it off and move on, gently mention a preferred term or perspective, or (more often than I probably should) correct with a scolding tone and rolling eyes.
I’ve read adoption bloggers who fall in one of two separate ideologies: “He WAS adopted.” Or “He IS adopted.” Apparently, for many, there is a big difference in identifying this as a once-and-done event or as an ongoing part of who you (and your family) are. Into which camp do you fall? Why?
I actually wrote about this particular issue and how my views on it have changed in my last post about Positive Adoption Language. Basically, I think it needs to be up to the person who was/is adopted to decide what term to use, and when.
Personally, I am trying to train myself to say, “we adopted him,” rather than “he is/was adopted,” because I think that more accurately reflects an action the adults took, instead of some characteristic of our son.
Your infertility journey was similar to ours in that you didn’t try many of the more invasive, expensive procedures before pursuing adoption. I’ve found that a lot of people question that and wonder why we chose adoption instead of pursuing these technologies. What is the most compelling reason you can give for why adoption was your choice.
Quite simply, we were more confident adoption would make us parents than IVF. We also felt that adoption was more consistent with our values.
Yes, I will always miss never having been pregnant, given birth, or nursed my child. But now, when I go into my boy’s room in the morning and he’s jiggling with joy to see me, I am so, so glad we didn’t spend lots more time, money, and heartache on medical intervention. There is no way M. and I could have created a child so “perfect.”
My thought exactly. :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Routine and active waiting.
Today is my first day back to babysitting for the school year. Olivia is really enjoying having playmates again. REALLY ENJOYING. They are making up pretend games and having a grand old time. I managed to get five pints of tomatoes canned and read through our homestudy draft while they played the morning away.
Speaking of...our homestudy is complete! The report was emailed to us today for our review, and once we make the few edits that are necessary, it will be COMPLETE. Our profile (the picture-laden document that introduces us to birthparents) was finished last week. So we should be active by Monday.
Wow.
So. Now we wait. But actively, with our cell phones on and charged at all times. It's sort of a weird state of limbo.
Meanwhile, Olivia starts school tomorrow. Preschool, two days a week, all day. Since we've opted to send her to preschool at the Catholic school where we intend her to go for elementary school, and it's on the other side of the county, she'll ride the bus to and from preschool. And she is SO EXCITED. I am a little nervous. I hope she does well on the bus. I don't have many anxieties about the actual school day, but her behavior on the bus does concern me. Especially since she will be getting on the bus about an hour and a half earlier than she usually WAKES UP. We have not done very well in shifting her schedule to be ready for this change, but I guess she'll adjust...
I don't suppose I was really ready for the school year, but away we go...
Speaking of...our homestudy is complete! The report was emailed to us today for our review, and once we make the few edits that are necessary, it will be COMPLETE. Our profile (the picture-laden document that introduces us to birthparents) was finished last week. So we should be active by Monday.
Wow.
So. Now we wait. But actively, with our cell phones on and charged at all times. It's sort of a weird state of limbo.
Meanwhile, Olivia starts school tomorrow. Preschool, two days a week, all day. Since we've opted to send her to preschool at the Catholic school where we intend her to go for elementary school, and it's on the other side of the county, she'll ride the bus to and from preschool. And she is SO EXCITED. I am a little nervous. I hope she does well on the bus. I don't have many anxieties about the actual school day, but her behavior on the bus does concern me. Especially since she will be getting on the bus about an hour and a half earlier than she usually WAKES UP. We have not done very well in shifting her schedule to be ready for this change, but I guess she'll adjust...
I don't suppose I was really ready for the school year, but away we go...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Waiting
Our homestudy should be finished in just a couple of weeks. We have done everything we need to do...now we just wait on the agency to finish the paperwork. And with their track record, we could have a match or even a placement within three months.
That is fast.
It seems like we've been waiting and waiting for years to add a baby to our family. We are ready. But we've also become so comfortable with life as it is that I'm sure it will be a shocking adjustment when it happens anyway.
I am excited with the anticipation of it all. And trying to enjoy every day we have left as a family of three while we still have this.
It's funny how change is so eagerly anticipated and yet bittersweet because it means forever changing what we are now. And what we are now is good, but not complete, I think.
That is fast.
It seems like we've been waiting and waiting for years to add a baby to our family. We are ready. But we've also become so comfortable with life as it is that I'm sure it will be a shocking adjustment when it happens anyway.
I am excited with the anticipation of it all. And trying to enjoy every day we have left as a family of three while we still have this.
It's funny how change is so eagerly anticipated and yet bittersweet because it means forever changing what we are now. And what we are now is good, but not complete, I think.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Whoa, baby. Summer is busy.
Geez. It's been almost three weeks since I posted. Whoever called it Summer "break" was seriously disturbed.
We have been busy. That is the understatement of the year. Our homestudy has taken off. In the last three weeks we have completed all of the paperwork, attended our homestudy interview and class, had our home visit, and now we sit on our hands and wait until the agency finishes our report. Probably about four weeks to activation. And away we go!
Olivia has been talking a lot about baby brother or sister. She often says she wants a baby brother AND sister. I tell her it's a tall order. She's been repeating that to everyone. "I'm going to have a baby brother and sister, but Mommy says it's a tall order, but that's OK." So. Possible, but not likely. But she can keep praying.
Meanwhile, Olivia seems to get the whole adoption thing. She knows that she grew in Miss Samantha's tummy and knows without a doubt that we are Mommy and Daddy. I guess that's good enough. I'm sure more questions will come with baby, but she seems to drink stuff in and process it pretty well, so I'm not really worried.
We spent last weekend in the car, mostly. We visited Joe's Grampa (10 hour drive), who just turned 95 and was having a big party. He is 95 but with the energy of most people in their 70s, and it's always fun to see him. We came home by way of my brother's house (5 hour drive), where we saw my niece in their local amateur circus. It was fabulous. It's really amazing what those kids do. Then we came home. Five days, four nights, four different hotels, more than 25 hours in the car. Olivia napped less than 90 minutes (total) in the car in ALL that time. But she slept well at night. And she was pretty well behaved in the car. The trip went so much better than expected, except for the "trip cold" I contracted that is now beating me down. *Sigh* The joys of traveling.
Today I'm processing garden produce and trying to rest and stay inside. IT IS HOT. We've had temps in the 90s and dew points in the 80s for, well, what seems like forever. Swimming doesn't even feel good now because most pools are now bath temperature, and the air is so damp that it just feels like pouring hot water over you in a steam bath. Yuck.
Olivia has picked this horribly humid time of year to decide that she wants to experiment with straight hair. So we bought a straight iron and tried. It started out straight-ish. Then after an hour outside it looked like this.
I won't even bother showing you what it looked like by the end of the day. Yikes! But it did give me an opportunity to trim the ends, making it infinitely easier to style. I didn't realize the ends were so damaged and tangled. I blame the hours in the pool.
Oh, speaking of the pool, while we were swimming in one of the hotel pools, Olivia decided to get brave and swim the entire length by herself! I was just a few steps in front of her the whole time, but still...she never needed me. Just jumped in at one end, swam underwater a few feet, then doggie-paddled to the end. The kid is a fish (no lessons, just inborn talent). Too bad the chlorine ruins her hair.
We have been busy. That is the understatement of the year. Our homestudy has taken off. In the last three weeks we have completed all of the paperwork, attended our homestudy interview and class, had our home visit, and now we sit on our hands and wait until the agency finishes our report. Probably about four weeks to activation. And away we go!
Olivia has been talking a lot about baby brother or sister. She often says she wants a baby brother AND sister. I tell her it's a tall order. She's been repeating that to everyone. "I'm going to have a baby brother and sister, but Mommy says it's a tall order, but that's OK." So. Possible, but not likely. But she can keep praying.
Meanwhile, Olivia seems to get the whole adoption thing. She knows that she grew in Miss Samantha's tummy and knows without a doubt that we are Mommy and Daddy. I guess that's good enough. I'm sure more questions will come with baby, but she seems to drink stuff in and process it pretty well, so I'm not really worried.
We spent last weekend in the car, mostly. We visited Joe's Grampa (10 hour drive), who just turned 95 and was having a big party. He is 95 but with the energy of most people in their 70s, and it's always fun to see him. We came home by way of my brother's house (5 hour drive), where we saw my niece in their local amateur circus. It was fabulous. It's really amazing what those kids do. Then we came home. Five days, four nights, four different hotels, more than 25 hours in the car. Olivia napped less than 90 minutes (total) in the car in ALL that time. But she slept well at night. And she was pretty well behaved in the car. The trip went so much better than expected, except for the "trip cold" I contracted that is now beating me down. *Sigh* The joys of traveling.
Today I'm processing garden produce and trying to rest and stay inside. IT IS HOT. We've had temps in the 90s and dew points in the 80s for, well, what seems like forever. Swimming doesn't even feel good now because most pools are now bath temperature, and the air is so damp that it just feels like pouring hot water over you in a steam bath. Yuck.
Olivia has picked this horribly humid time of year to decide that she wants to experiment with straight hair. So we bought a straight iron and tried. It started out straight-ish. Then after an hour outside it looked like this.
I won't even bother showing you what it looked like by the end of the day. Yikes! But it did give me an opportunity to trim the ends, making it infinitely easier to style. I didn't realize the ends were so damaged and tangled. I blame the hours in the pool.Oh, speaking of the pool, while we were swimming in one of the hotel pools, Olivia decided to get brave and swim the entire length by herself! I was just a few steps in front of her the whole time, but still...she never needed me. Just jumped in at one end, swam underwater a few feet, then doggie-paddled to the end. The kid is a fish (no lessons, just inborn talent). Too bad the chlorine ruins her hair.
Monday, July 4, 2011
A very happy 4th
Our last visit with Samantha went so well that we decided we wanted to invite her up to see our house and go with us to Local Theme Park. Today seemed to work out well for all of us, so plans were made and cleaning was done (because let's face it...when new people come over, we can't help but clean).
The day started out a little iffy. Samantha had trouble getting to sleep last night and was very, very tired. It rained all morning. But we held fast to our plans and charged forward.
She got here around 10 am, giving us plenty of time for her to play with Olivia in the house and backyard a bit before lunch. We had hoped for this because she hasn't been here, ever. She's never seen Olivia just be Olivia in her own environment. They had a great time. We ate lunch, got things ready and packed the car for our trip to Local Theme Park.
Our afternoon consisted of mostly waterpark attractions. The rain that hung around all morning disappeared by lunchtime, and by about 2 p.m. the sun had shown up and it was getting steamy. Perfect for a little water. Olivia found a new favorite ride...one she had been reluctant to try before (to say the least...she would melt down once she got to the front of the line and refuse to ride). But for some reason (maybe because she didn't want to back out in front of "Miss Samantha") she agreed to let me push her down this super tall water slide. And then we rode it 11 more times. Yeah. She loved it.
We stayed until the end of the day and then watched the fireworks display. Aside from Olivia freaking out a bit over the noise, it was a perfect end to a darn-near-perfect day. Many great memories were made for Olivia AND Samantha. I was thinking that this is what a good open adoption can be. So positive.
The day started out a little iffy. Samantha had trouble getting to sleep last night and was very, very tired. It rained all morning. But we held fast to our plans and charged forward.
She got here around 10 am, giving us plenty of time for her to play with Olivia in the house and backyard a bit before lunch. We had hoped for this because she hasn't been here, ever. She's never seen Olivia just be Olivia in her own environment. They had a great time. We ate lunch, got things ready and packed the car for our trip to Local Theme Park.
Our afternoon consisted of mostly waterpark attractions. The rain that hung around all morning disappeared by lunchtime, and by about 2 p.m. the sun had shown up and it was getting steamy. Perfect for a little water. Olivia found a new favorite ride...one she had been reluctant to try before (to say the least...she would melt down once she got to the front of the line and refuse to ride). But for some reason (maybe because she didn't want to back out in front of "Miss Samantha") she agreed to let me push her down this super tall water slide. And then we rode it 11 more times. Yeah. She loved it.
We stayed until the end of the day and then watched the fireworks display. Aside from Olivia freaking out a bit over the noise, it was a perfect end to a darn-near-perfect day. Many great memories were made for Olivia AND Samantha. I was thinking that this is what a good open adoption can be. So positive.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
A very good day
Joe took the day off Wednesday and we all got dolled up and headed "to town" to attend the ordination celebration for our new bishop. Big event. Lots of people. We were lucky enough to find some of our friends with preschoolers and sit with them, which helped Olivia (and the other kids) survive the nearly-three-hour liturgy.
It was beautiful. The kids were surprisingly well behaved. We left with our good humor still intact (which cannot often be said after certain behavior issues during a regular Sunday Mass, so this was definitely a win).
Close to the end of the liturgy, Joe whispered to ask me if we should call Samantha and see if she was available for a visit. So I texted her, and she promptly texted back, and an hour later we picked her up for what turned out to be the nicest visit we've probably ever had. We went out to eat (at a place that a bunch of our ordination-attending friends also coincidentally chose). Olivia was a little grumpy at first, having taken a 45-minute nap in Daddy's arms at the end of Mass and still not fully awake, but she perked up after a bit. It was relaxed and enjoyable, just like old friends catching up.
Our relationship with Samantha has not always been easy. She has had a lot of drama going on in her life, and it tends to cloud her ability to be fully present to Olivia when we see her. But Wednesday was great. I am really, really hoping for more visits like this one.
It was beautiful. The kids were surprisingly well behaved. We left with our good humor still intact (which cannot often be said after certain behavior issues during a regular Sunday Mass, so this was definitely a win).
Close to the end of the liturgy, Joe whispered to ask me if we should call Samantha and see if she was available for a visit. So I texted her, and she promptly texted back, and an hour later we picked her up for what turned out to be the nicest visit we've probably ever had. We went out to eat (at a place that a bunch of our ordination-attending friends also coincidentally chose). Olivia was a little grumpy at first, having taken a 45-minute nap in Daddy's arms at the end of Mass and still not fully awake, but she perked up after a bit. It was relaxed and enjoyable, just like old friends catching up.
Our relationship with Samantha has not always been easy. She has had a lot of drama going on in her life, and it tends to cloud her ability to be fully present to Olivia when we see her. But Wednesday was great. I am really, really hoping for more visits like this one.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Today is the first day in more than a week that we are home. Just home. Olivia hates it.
Last week, Olivia was at Vacation Bible School every morning for three hours. It was HEAVENLY to have three hours to myself every day, and I filled it with a lot of paper chasing (for the homestudy) and errands. As a reward for my "work" during those three hours, I showed up every day in time to watch Olivia and her new pals practice their Bible School songs. She left cheerful every day and was, overall, just easier to deal with. I'm thinking that morning bible school ROCKS and that she's TOTALLY ready for preschool.
Though I enjoyed my mornings alone last week, the addition of Bible School to our schedules did make life a little crazy. We had A LOT going on. And today, we have nothing. Also, it is raining. So I've done copious amounts of laundry and managed to FINALLY prepare my four heads of garden cabbage for fermenting. In six-to-eight weeks, we will be enjoying homemade sauerkraut. And I have more room in the fridge now that the cabbage is gone.
I've been cleaning and going through the pile of (non-adoption-related) paper on my desk and mostly just ignoring Olivia. She, in turn, has been making nonsensical and unnecessary requests every 30 seconds. I know she just wants my attention. But between the hectic schedule and the race to complete the adoption paperwork before our homestudy class next week (and we are almost done, yes, we are paperwork rockstars), I have done NOTHING in this house for more than a week. And it shows.
Here's hoping for a sunny day tomorrow and the freedom to get out and enjoy it!
Last week, Olivia was at Vacation Bible School every morning for three hours. It was HEAVENLY to have three hours to myself every day, and I filled it with a lot of paper chasing (for the homestudy) and errands. As a reward for my "work" during those three hours, I showed up every day in time to watch Olivia and her new pals practice their Bible School songs. She left cheerful every day and was, overall, just easier to deal with. I'm thinking that morning bible school ROCKS and that she's TOTALLY ready for preschool.
Though I enjoyed my mornings alone last week, the addition of Bible School to our schedules did make life a little crazy. We had A LOT going on. And today, we have nothing. Also, it is raining. So I've done copious amounts of laundry and managed to FINALLY prepare my four heads of garden cabbage for fermenting. In six-to-eight weeks, we will be enjoying homemade sauerkraut. And I have more room in the fridge now that the cabbage is gone.
I've been cleaning and going through the pile of (non-adoption-related) paper on my desk and mostly just ignoring Olivia. She, in turn, has been making nonsensical and unnecessary requests every 30 seconds. I know she just wants my attention. But between the hectic schedule and the race to complete the adoption paperwork before our homestudy class next week (and we are almost done, yes, we are paperwork rockstars), I have done NOTHING in this house for more than a week. And it shows.
Here's hoping for a sunny day tomorrow and the freedom to get out and enjoy it!
Friday, June 17, 2011
It's Official! We are signed on for a pile of paperwork.
We went to an information seminar for an adoption agency on Wednesday...an appointment we made several months ago when our homestudy expired and we decided to take a temporary break and then sign on with this other agency. While we had planned this as our starting point (again) for a few months, as it approached I began to feel more and more ready to get this thing going. It is high time we give our child a sibling.
Apparently, my husband was feeling the same way because after the mandatory seminar, he said, "Ok, who do we see to sign up?" We wrote a deposit check and were rewarded with a big stack of paperwork to complete in the next three weeks before our office interview and adoption class.
And away we go.
As I glanced through the paperwork, I felt sorry for the seminar attendees who were approaching adoption for the first time. This is our fourth homestudy, so we were well aware of the crazy scavenger hunt that is involved in the paperwork. And still, opening that packet was daunting. To be approaching this for the first time...I'm just glad I'm not back in that spot again.
Timeline...because of the program we chose and other factors in our life, we are looking at probably an average of 3-6 months from homestudy approval to placement. And this agency has a reputation of being pretty good at meeting those expectations while also providing stellar counseling and support to the birthmoms. It seemed like a pretty good fit after two years of "active waiting".
I'm excited. Are you?
Apparently, my husband was feeling the same way because after the mandatory seminar, he said, "Ok, who do we see to sign up?" We wrote a deposit check and were rewarded with a big stack of paperwork to complete in the next three weeks before our office interview and adoption class.
And away we go.
As I glanced through the paperwork, I felt sorry for the seminar attendees who were approaching adoption for the first time. This is our fourth homestudy, so we were well aware of the crazy scavenger hunt that is involved in the paperwork. And still, opening that packet was daunting. To be approaching this for the first time...I'm just glad I'm not back in that spot again.
Timeline...because of the program we chose and other factors in our life, we are looking at probably an average of 3-6 months from homestudy approval to placement. And this agency has a reputation of being pretty good at meeting those expectations while also providing stellar counseling and support to the birthmoms. It seemed like a pretty good fit after two years of "active waiting".
I'm excited. Are you?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Things
I'm crampy. Just another reminder that my body won't cooperate with its biological purpose for propogating the species. Good thing I'm not in charge of keeping the human race from extinction. I would suck at that job.
Back in February, when our homestudy expired, we decided to let it. We are taking a few months to return to the research phase on adoption and focus on diet and fertility, and then we can make a decision about what to do in the Fall. The idea was to be homestudy ready again by Olivia's birthday in November. I've had it in my mind that we'll probably sign up with a particular agency that is fast (and pricey). But over the last several weeks, I've seen and read many things about foster-to-adopt, and my thoughts are repeatedly pointed back in that direction. We've been hesitant to go that direction because of Olivia's age and the uncertainty of whether kids will stay or leave, plus the adjustment and attachment issues that often come with foster placements and older kids. But...I don't know. It's just there in my brain all the time. We'd probably only be interested in fostering little ones (younger than Olivia), but maybe there's a need for that. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and call someone to find out.
In the meantime, I'm still rockin' the diet, but sometimes I find myself wishing and hoping for pregnancy JUST so I have an excuse to eat whatever I want. My brain knows that it would be better for me and baby to keep eating this way if we ever achieve that ellusive pregnancy goal, but there's another part of me that is tired of forgoing cookies. If only I could find a really good dessert recipe that's easy, eats like a muffin or cake or cookie, and doesn't have any sugar or flour. Ha! There's an assignment for you! Have fun with that one.
Back in February, when our homestudy expired, we decided to let it. We are taking a few months to return to the research phase on adoption and focus on diet and fertility, and then we can make a decision about what to do in the Fall. The idea was to be homestudy ready again by Olivia's birthday in November. I've had it in my mind that we'll probably sign up with a particular agency that is fast (and pricey). But over the last several weeks, I've seen and read many things about foster-to-adopt, and my thoughts are repeatedly pointed back in that direction. We've been hesitant to go that direction because of Olivia's age and the uncertainty of whether kids will stay or leave, plus the adjustment and attachment issues that often come with foster placements and older kids. But...I don't know. It's just there in my brain all the time. We'd probably only be interested in fostering little ones (younger than Olivia), but maybe there's a need for that. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and call someone to find out.
In the meantime, I'm still rockin' the diet, but sometimes I find myself wishing and hoping for pregnancy JUST so I have an excuse to eat whatever I want. My brain knows that it would be better for me and baby to keep eating this way if we ever achieve that ellusive pregnancy goal, but there's another part of me that is tired of forgoing cookies. If only I could find a really good dessert recipe that's easy, eats like a muffin or cake or cookie, and doesn't have any sugar or flour. Ha! There's an assignment for you! Have fun with that one.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Just some things
I've been a bad blogger lately. I keep thinking of little snippets of things that I'd like to say, but nothing of any substance.
We've been rocking the new diet lately. I found a new book that is SO helpful in narrowing down the best types of food to eat and supplements to take for my particular condition. The book is here. It is authored by a reproductive endocrinologist and a specialist in Traditional Chinese Medicine. It sounds SO not like the kind of book I'd like, but it is really helpful. The doctor was once involved in IVF and didn't like it because he felt like he was "playing God" so he started looking for ways to improve a woman's fertility so that pregnancy could occur in the usual way. Although he argues pretty strongly for IVF as an absolute LAST resort after trying to fix fertility surgically, hormonally and with improved nutrition, he does also refer for and help couples prepare their bodies for IVF. Unfortunately, given my beliefs about life and how IVF factors into that, I would have a very hard time recommending this book to just anyone. But for the nutrition help, it is definitely worth a read. I have even found the Chinese medicine stuff (herbs and supplements) to be helpful! And best of all, it takes the view that "80% is perfection"...meaning that I'm ALLOWED to cheat on my diet once in awhile. We are looking for overall change and effect, not absolute adherence to the "rules". I can't tell you how freeing that was!!
We've been researching adoption agencies lately. Our current agency isn't getting us anywhere, and at the end of this month our homestudy expires and we will have been with them for two years with no talk of a match. We've decided to let it lie for several months...work the new diet and see how it affects hormones and fertility. If we get to the Fall and things still aren't looking up in the fertility area, we have a new agency in mind that is FAST. Expensive, but fast. They have a good reputation and are very good about counseling and support of birth parents, so I think it will be worth the extra money to work with them.
In the meantime...anyone have any ideas about how to get a very-security-item-dependent three-year-old to kick the paci habit? It's well past time, but she cannot settle down without it (and blankie, but blankie can stay awhile). At this point, one without the other just won't cut it. If we get in the car and forget paci and blankie, and she gets tired or upset, she WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING until she passes out from sheer exhaustion. She's old enough (and verbal enough) to deliver very involved monologues about why she NEEDS these things and how they make her feel better. She will use all of her powers of persuasion to make them appear out of thin air. She refuses to accept that they are not (even temporarily) available to her at her need.
But a kid at her age should be able to soothe herself without something sticking in her mouth, right?
We've been rocking the new diet lately. I found a new book that is SO helpful in narrowing down the best types of food to eat and supplements to take for my particular condition. The book is here. It is authored by a reproductive endocrinologist and a specialist in Traditional Chinese Medicine. It sounds SO not like the kind of book I'd like, but it is really helpful. The doctor was once involved in IVF and didn't like it because he felt like he was "playing God" so he started looking for ways to improve a woman's fertility so that pregnancy could occur in the usual way. Although he argues pretty strongly for IVF as an absolute LAST resort after trying to fix fertility surgically, hormonally and with improved nutrition, he does also refer for and help couples prepare their bodies for IVF. Unfortunately, given my beliefs about life and how IVF factors into that, I would have a very hard time recommending this book to just anyone. But for the nutrition help, it is definitely worth a read. I have even found the Chinese medicine stuff (herbs and supplements) to be helpful! And best of all, it takes the view that "80% is perfection"...meaning that I'm ALLOWED to cheat on my diet once in awhile. We are looking for overall change and effect, not absolute adherence to the "rules". I can't tell you how freeing that was!!
We've been researching adoption agencies lately. Our current agency isn't getting us anywhere, and at the end of this month our homestudy expires and we will have been with them for two years with no talk of a match. We've decided to let it lie for several months...work the new diet and see how it affects hormones and fertility. If we get to the Fall and things still aren't looking up in the fertility area, we have a new agency in mind that is FAST. Expensive, but fast. They have a good reputation and are very good about counseling and support of birth parents, so I think it will be worth the extra money to work with them.
In the meantime...anyone have any ideas about how to get a very-security-item-dependent three-year-old to kick the paci habit? It's well past time, but she cannot settle down without it (and blankie, but blankie can stay awhile). At this point, one without the other just won't cut it. If we get in the car and forget paci and blankie, and she gets tired or upset, she WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING until she passes out from sheer exhaustion. She's old enough (and verbal enough) to deliver very involved monologues about why she NEEDS these things and how they make her feel better. She will use all of her powers of persuasion to make them appear out of thin air. She refuses to accept that they are not (even temporarily) available to her at her need.
But a kid at her age should be able to soothe herself without something sticking in her mouth, right?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Adrift
It's Monday morning, and the boys I watch showed up sleep-deprived today. There is no one to blame...sometimes kids wake up and can't fall back asleep. I understand that as well as anyone. I just know that it spells trouble for us around mid-morning.
But, for the moment, all three kids are playing pretend games happily in Olivia's room. It's not exactly quiet, but it's peaceful. For now.
My brain has been in overdrive this week. Samantha's situation weighs heavily on my mind. I keep feeling like I should call her, but I don't know how much is too much contact. Maybe she needs to hear from a supportive voice. Maybe she just wants to be left alone. So I sit in indecision.
In the meantime, I vacillate between feelings of sorrow for her and sorrow for us. It's entirely selfish, but ever since she announced her pregnancy, I have entertained visions of a second dark-eyed, curly-headed beauty occupying a space in our family. Now I feel adrift...as if our adoption wait is futile and endless. It shouldn't feel any different than it did a month ago, before we knew of Samantha's pregnancy. But it does.
This next month we must make some sort of decision. Our homestudy expires at the end of February. We have been "active" and waiting with this agency for two years. There is no forseeable end anymore.
There is another agency in this state whom we have considered in the past...an agency that provides quick placements (6-12 months). They reportedly do a great job of counseling for the birth parents, before and after the placement. We had expected to sign on with them before we got Olivia's referral so unexpectedly. But then, when we were researching our adoption avenues for #2, we ruled them out as too expensive.
I'm wondering now if it may be worth it.
We have to put our heads together and discuss how to proceed. I just don't like this drifty feeling. It feels like we've had a number of near-misses on finding our own adoption match in two years, and meanwhile there has been no movement from our agency. It's time for movement.
But, for the moment, all three kids are playing pretend games happily in Olivia's room. It's not exactly quiet, but it's peaceful. For now.
My brain has been in overdrive this week. Samantha's situation weighs heavily on my mind. I keep feeling like I should call her, but I don't know how much is too much contact. Maybe she needs to hear from a supportive voice. Maybe she just wants to be left alone. So I sit in indecision.
In the meantime, I vacillate between feelings of sorrow for her and sorrow for us. It's entirely selfish, but ever since she announced her pregnancy, I have entertained visions of a second dark-eyed, curly-headed beauty occupying a space in our family. Now I feel adrift...as if our adoption wait is futile and endless. It shouldn't feel any different than it did a month ago, before we knew of Samantha's pregnancy. But it does.
This next month we must make some sort of decision. Our homestudy expires at the end of February. We have been "active" and waiting with this agency for two years. There is no forseeable end anymore.
There is another agency in this state whom we have considered in the past...an agency that provides quick placements (6-12 months). They reportedly do a great job of counseling for the birth parents, before and after the placement. We had expected to sign on with them before we got Olivia's referral so unexpectedly. But then, when we were researching our adoption avenues for #2, we ruled them out as too expensive.
I'm wondering now if it may be worth it.
We have to put our heads together and discuss how to proceed. I just don't like this drifty feeling. It feels like we've had a number of near-misses on finding our own adoption match in two years, and meanwhile there has been no movement from our agency. It's time for movement.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The tornado ripping through my brain
Things at home are shockingly normal this first week of 2011. Olivia has morphed into a relatively normal child. Gone are many (not nearly all, mind you) of her hyperactive traits. She goes to bed at a decent hour, even with a few naps this week (she has a cold, a nap is often in order). It seems we've struck a relatively comfortable balance between no-nap days and nap days, and life is pretty good.
So, things here are normal. EXCEPT. Olivia's birthmom recently found out that she is pregnant. And now we've been sucked into the soap opera that is her life.
She called us as soon as she found out, crying and asking if we'd be willing to adopt this baby (of course we would!) because of the mess that her life is. I talked to her for awhile and calmed her down and told her that we were here to talk if she needed us, and that while we are totally willing to adopt the baby, we wanted her to know that it was her decision and she has time to make it.
Since then, she has calmed down, and now she thinks she wants to try to get her life together and try to parent. BUT she still wants us on board and ready to adopt in case she can't accomplish this by baby's due date in the Summer. And her life has fallen apart (major, catastrophic changes, in my perspective, anyway) at least three times in the two weeks since she first found out she was pregnant. Somehow, I don't see that pattern changing anytime soon.
I won't get into the reasons that her life is, was, and continues to be a mess. We WANT her life to change and go in a positive direction. We really, truly want that. But MAJOR changes need to take place (by her own admission) and she has almost NO support.
I referred her to the Gabriel Project in our area because, as much as I personally want to help her, I can't get THAT involved. I just can't. We love that we can have such an open and supportive relationship with Olivia's birthmother...it's important to us to keep it that way. But somehow, somewhere, there must be boundaries in this relationship that we don't cross, ever. And it's getting harder and harder to define those boundaries as we get our hearts wrapped up in a baby who might never be ours.
Here's the thing. We would be ecstatic to be able to adopt again, even more so to adopt a baby who is biologically related to our daughter. We know we could give that baby a good home and lots of love and more opportunities than Samantha is likely to be able to give. We also know that no matter how logical the choice for adoption may seem when you weigh all the factors, THIS IS HER CHILD, and she has every right to make the decision to parent or to place. We support her right to make that decision. Intellectually. Emotionally, it's a little harder to define...
So, while I want to be the one to hold her hand and help her make good decisions for herself and the baby, I can't. I'm too invested. My desire for a baby and my desire for Samantha to turn her life around...well, they are often in conflict with each other. So I'm trying to strike a balance between staying supportive and staying out of it. It's a challenge, friends. And we have seven months to ride this roller-coaster. I'm already feeling a little motion-sickness.
Adoption breaks your heart. There is always loss. But I see this joyful, well-adjusted (if a little hyperactive) child who just learned to do her first cartwheel and thinks Grandma is her own personal angel and her cousins are her best friends...a child who FITS in this family, and I realize that there's a plan in all of this and it's worth a little heart break.
So, things here are normal. EXCEPT. Olivia's birthmom recently found out that she is pregnant. And now we've been sucked into the soap opera that is her life.
She called us as soon as she found out, crying and asking if we'd be willing to adopt this baby (of course we would!) because of the mess that her life is. I talked to her for awhile and calmed her down and told her that we were here to talk if she needed us, and that while we are totally willing to adopt the baby, we wanted her to know that it was her decision and she has time to make it.
Since then, she has calmed down, and now she thinks she wants to try to get her life together and try to parent. BUT she still wants us on board and ready to adopt in case she can't accomplish this by baby's due date in the Summer. And her life has fallen apart (major, catastrophic changes, in my perspective, anyway) at least three times in the two weeks since she first found out she was pregnant. Somehow, I don't see that pattern changing anytime soon.
I won't get into the reasons that her life is, was, and continues to be a mess. We WANT her life to change and go in a positive direction. We really, truly want that. But MAJOR changes need to take place (by her own admission) and she has almost NO support.
I referred her to the Gabriel Project in our area because, as much as I personally want to help her, I can't get THAT involved. I just can't. We love that we can have such an open and supportive relationship with Olivia's birthmother...it's important to us to keep it that way. But somehow, somewhere, there must be boundaries in this relationship that we don't cross, ever. And it's getting harder and harder to define those boundaries as we get our hearts wrapped up in a baby who might never be ours.
Here's the thing. We would be ecstatic to be able to adopt again, even more so to adopt a baby who is biologically related to our daughter. We know we could give that baby a good home and lots of love and more opportunities than Samantha is likely to be able to give. We also know that no matter how logical the choice for adoption may seem when you weigh all the factors, THIS IS HER CHILD, and she has every right to make the decision to parent or to place. We support her right to make that decision. Intellectually. Emotionally, it's a little harder to define...
So, while I want to be the one to hold her hand and help her make good decisions for herself and the baby, I can't. I'm too invested. My desire for a baby and my desire for Samantha to turn her life around...well, they are often in conflict with each other. So I'm trying to strike a balance between staying supportive and staying out of it. It's a challenge, friends. And we have seven months to ride this roller-coaster. I'm already feeling a little motion-sickness.
Adoption breaks your heart. There is always loss. But I see this joyful, well-adjusted (if a little hyperactive) child who just learned to do her first cartwheel and thinks Grandma is her own personal angel and her cousins are her best friends...a child who FITS in this family, and I realize that there's a plan in all of this and it's worth a little heart break.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Projects, internal and external
We are plunging headlong into a project for our Thanksgiving holiday. We are replacing our carpet with laminate flooring. Judging by the coffee stains in the living room (from Olivia's "let's see what happens when we pick up Daddy's coffee mug and pour it out right here" days) and the multiple areas of cracker-like substance ground into the dining room carpet, it's time.
So. We've been ripping up carpet edges for the past several days and Joe has been removing the tack strips. As it turns out, removing carpet from concrete is not all that challenging. Tonight, my Dad is coming over and he and Joe will fold up the living room carpet and pad and start laying boards for our new floor.
In the meantime, I'm cleaning. We're putting in new vinyl over our old vinyl in the kitchen, so I'm getting the dirt out everywhere. It's a rainy day, which may lull the nappers into a longer slumber, making it a perfect time to finish floor preparations.
Except that the quiet...it allows for too much thinking. And I've been doing a lot of that lately. My mind swirls around various somewhat-related topics, all of them a little fuzzy and confusing and circling around the difficulties we've experienced trying to build our little family. I try not to think about it too much. But I'll hash it out a bit here, because that's what this space is for. And then maybe it will make more sense in my head.
Today, one of my nieces celebrates her first birthday. And her parents announced this weekend that she will be a big sister this Summer.
This news did not come as a shock to me...not at all. I didn't know they wanted to have another baby so soon, although apparently they did plan it that way, and I'm happy for them. It's not as if I thought they'd have trouble. Fertility abounds in this family, present company excluded. This baby will be the second 2011 addition to the family, bringing my parents' grandchild total to eleven. Our one child and my three brothers' combined ten children. Olivia, the youngest for nearly 17 months of her life, will now have four younger cousins.
The agency who did our homestudy and holds our profile encouraged us to submit our application (and fee) to another agency with whom they cooperate. We did...in September of LAST year. I have not heard one peep from that other agency since then. Except, of course, that the check cleared. Otherwise, I would have assumed that it had been lost in the mail.
I emailed our caseworker about it recently, and she wrote back to say that I should talk to their coordinator (a.k.a. The Woman Who Had Never, Ever Returned Even One Of My Many Calls, circa Jan-Sept 2009), and if that doesn't work, to talk to HER supervisor. I am saving that project for after Thanksgiving. I have no need to spoil a perfectly good holiday weekend being sour over idiots who can't do their jobs. And I fully intend to get my application fee back. I don't care how non-refundable it is. I'm pretty sure that 15 months with no communication counts as gross negligence of job duties, and I'm pretty sure I can make that case to the powers-that-be.
All that is to say that with the rather slow trickle of placements at our current agency and not getting any communication from the other agency, I'm not optimistic about getting any use out of our current homestudy, which expires in March.
Meanwhile, we have good friends who are fostering small children (age 2 and under), and I'm wondering more and more if that is where we should move next. Foster-to-adopt, that is. It has it's own set of problems...more than I care to name here. But there is such a need. And Olivia is old enough to understand the foster thing better, and she really, really wants a sibling. And we really, really want that too.
On another topic, my husband asked me last month if I thought the recent surgery was helpful at all in removing the monthly cycle pains that had been getting worse. Last month, I didn't think so. Now I'm starting to think that my innards were still healing and therefore more painful during my last period because this month has been completely different. I have not needed any pain medication AT ALL. I wonder if this is an indication of good things to come. Have I healed? Will fertility awaken, at last? I have also completed my first monthly hormone review and will be supplemented this cycle for the first time since surgery. Will it do any good?
I'm praying for patience. I feel strongly that our family isn't complete yet. I just wish I had some indication as to where we will go from here. This swirling brain activity is causing me to lose focus. I need to be cleaning the floor.
So. We've been ripping up carpet edges for the past several days and Joe has been removing the tack strips. As it turns out, removing carpet from concrete is not all that challenging. Tonight, my Dad is coming over and he and Joe will fold up the living room carpet and pad and start laying boards for our new floor.
In the meantime, I'm cleaning. We're putting in new vinyl over our old vinyl in the kitchen, so I'm getting the dirt out everywhere. It's a rainy day, which may lull the nappers into a longer slumber, making it a perfect time to finish floor preparations.
Except that the quiet...it allows for too much thinking. And I've been doing a lot of that lately. My mind swirls around various somewhat-related topics, all of them a little fuzzy and confusing and circling around the difficulties we've experienced trying to build our little family. I try not to think about it too much. But I'll hash it out a bit here, because that's what this space is for. And then maybe it will make more sense in my head.
Today, one of my nieces celebrates her first birthday. And her parents announced this weekend that she will be a big sister this Summer.
This news did not come as a shock to me...not at all. I didn't know they wanted to have another baby so soon, although apparently they did plan it that way, and I'm happy for them. It's not as if I thought they'd have trouble. Fertility abounds in this family, present company excluded. This baby will be the second 2011 addition to the family, bringing my parents' grandchild total to eleven. Our one child and my three brothers' combined ten children. Olivia, the youngest for nearly 17 months of her life, will now have four younger cousins.
The agency who did our homestudy and holds our profile encouraged us to submit our application (and fee) to another agency with whom they cooperate. We did...in September of LAST year. I have not heard one peep from that other agency since then. Except, of course, that the check cleared. Otherwise, I would have assumed that it had been lost in the mail.
I emailed our caseworker about it recently, and she wrote back to say that I should talk to their coordinator (a.k.a. The Woman Who Had Never, Ever Returned Even One Of My Many Calls, circa Jan-Sept 2009), and if that doesn't work, to talk to HER supervisor. I am saving that project for after Thanksgiving. I have no need to spoil a perfectly good holiday weekend being sour over idiots who can't do their jobs. And I fully intend to get my application fee back. I don't care how non-refundable it is. I'm pretty sure that 15 months with no communication counts as gross negligence of job duties, and I'm pretty sure I can make that case to the powers-that-be.
All that is to say that with the rather slow trickle of placements at our current agency and not getting any communication from the other agency, I'm not optimistic about getting any use out of our current homestudy, which expires in March.
Meanwhile, we have good friends who are fostering small children (age 2 and under), and I'm wondering more and more if that is where we should move next. Foster-to-adopt, that is. It has it's own set of problems...more than I care to name here. But there is such a need. And Olivia is old enough to understand the foster thing better, and she really, really wants a sibling. And we really, really want that too.
On another topic, my husband asked me last month if I thought the recent surgery was helpful at all in removing the monthly cycle pains that had been getting worse. Last month, I didn't think so. Now I'm starting to think that my innards were still healing and therefore more painful during my last period because this month has been completely different. I have not needed any pain medication AT ALL. I wonder if this is an indication of good things to come. Have I healed? Will fertility awaken, at last? I have also completed my first monthly hormone review and will be supplemented this cycle for the first time since surgery. Will it do any good?
I'm praying for patience. I feel strongly that our family isn't complete yet. I just wish I had some indication as to where we will go from here. This swirling brain activity is causing me to lose focus. I need to be cleaning the floor.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Three
It was cold, and a Monday to boot. We'd had about three hours of quality sleep the night before. Not a very notable start to a day that will live in my memory as one of the best days of our life. The day Olivia was born. Three years ago today, 8:59 a.m. Central time.
Happy Birthday, my sweet girl. We love you more than we can say.
Happy Birthday, my sweet girl. We love you more than we can say.
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