My regular reminder arrived earlier this week

I write this post in my head every month when I wake up in the middle of the night to take more muscle relaxers so the cramping will subside enough for me to fall back asleep. Even more than the obvious sign of bleeding, that cramping is my regular reminder that, once again, my body has failed to do what it is biologically designed to do.

I still hold out hope. The "why me?" thoughts don't plague my mind every minute of the day. In fact, I don't think about it much at all during the other 26 days of the cycle (which is why I tend to forget what my mid-night mental post was about when I wake up). But they do get me down when the cramping starts back up again those first two days. The hormone shift probably doesn't help, either.

I'm an optimist. Once the cramping stops, I start to look forward to those magical days of fertility when the possibility of new life opens up in my mind. Then after fertility, I greet each day of that 2ww with new optimism that maybe, just maybe this is the month for success!

And then it never is.

The diet. Yes, I am sure it is helping the symptoms, at least. It may help me avoid a recurrence of endometriosis. But the reason I am motivated to continue when I crave nothing more than a piece of toast and a glass of milk is the outside chance that the diet might be the breakthrough that leads to fertility. Without that hope, I would be hard-pressed to stay on the diet. Even though I feel great, and even though I have lost weight and have more energy. I really like food. And sweets. And bread. And milk. And cheese.

We leave for a three-day vacation tomorrow. Vacation eating is going to be...challenging. I have a feeling that I'll use a whole month's worth of diet cheats on these three days.

The diet, improved

Remember the diet that my doctor recommended post-surgery for improved fertility? Well, over the past couple of months I've been doing my own research and have expanded and improved upon it a little. And, thanks to Katie at Wellness Mama, I am attempting to go grain free and see how that helps. I have found some really fabulous recipes on her site, as well as A LOT of research and support to keep me going. And now, she's sponsoring a giveaway of a product that I really want to try. Go, enter the giveaway, read her articles, use some recipes and get healthy!

The diet

Today I tried mustard greens for the first time. Since I had to give up milk and don't want to lose my super-human bone density, I need alternate sources of calcium. Mustard greens are a good source of calcium and vitamins A and C, so I thought they were worth a try. They were...uninspiring. At least the way I prepared them. Palatable, but uninspiring.

Such is life. I'm actually adjusting fairly well to the new diet. Avoiding actual sugar isn't that hard when I can substitute with sweet fruits, stevia and agave nectar. And I don't actually NEED as much by way of sweets if I fill up on bean or lentil soups (yum!) and salads, which have become staples. Luckily, Olivia actually really likes both lentil soup and any kind of bean soup, so I can feed my family some of the same things. And I don't feel guilty eating whenever I want because what I'm eating between meals...fruits, veggies, nut butters...is not going to make me gain weight. It's all about the glycemic index, baby. I'm learning to keep my insulin level so my body works better.

I still have a wee bit of dairy now and then, in the form of butter or those cheeses that get snuck into super-yummy things (pesto), but I figure that the overall effect is what we are going for.

The hardest part is figuring out exactly which diet to use. I've read lots of things from lots of different sources, and while some of the info is the same (eat fruits and veggies, duh), there is a lot of contradiction over various protein sources and, of all weirdness, grains. The book I'm following closest says whole grains are great. But I found a site this week that said avoid ALL grains. Both sources claim to have helped women overcome infertility using their diet recommendations. It's so confusing.

I think maybe I need to stop reading.

I have decided to commit to this until Summer's end, at least. We shall see what several months of diet overhall can do...