I wrote our monthly check today for our marketing fees for our agency. I really, really hate that check. I know that they are doing a service for us and that it costs money to provide that service and that they deserve to be paid (and I honestly don't begrudge them that money), but every time I write it and send it out the door, it reminds me that we have gone another month without a placement. And, meanwhile, our savings account can't get any bigger when I keep needing to pay it out for advertising.
It is a vicious cycle. And it's harder now that we've had a call that ended in nothing because I feel like there's a girl out there waiting for us and we just haven't found her yet. So we keep spending the money. Aauugh!
In reality, it would be easier if baby didn't come for a few months (but when ISN'T that the case?). We are in the midst of the school year, with activities and babysitting and regular things going on. We have that cruise vacation scheduled in late June...one which, necessarily, would exclude baby, so if we had baby we'd have to leave him/her behind with someone. That would be really hard. So, ideally, baby would come sometime in late Summer...late July-ish. Which would require a renewal of our homestudy (which expires in August), but that's a pretty minor expense and hassle in the grand scheme of things. That, of course, if five whole months away, so even if that timing DID work out, we likely wouldn't hear from a birthmother even with pre-planning for another couple of months. And I'm not a patient person. Especially when I have a monthly fiscal reminder of our wait.
All of that is to say that I just wrote a check and it makes me ache for a baby to just BE HERE already. Or to have a match with a birthmother so we can start building a relationship. And planning. I'm all about the planning.
I know God's timing is not mine. But that doesn't make it any easier to wait.