The letter

On Wednesday night, we went to visit our newborn baby nephew, Carter. He was still in his newborn sleep coma, with eyes glued shut and making occasionally whimpery newborn noises. The nurse came in and unwrapped him from his cocoon-like swaddle, and he started making little sucking motions with his mouth, but he stopped as soon as she wrapped him up again.

I'd forgotten all about this newborn coma stage, which God must have ingrained in babies to give parents an appropriate amount of time to stare in awe at the tiny creation that has just emerged...before the screaming-of-unknown-cause sets in. As far as I can tell, that stage lasts 2-24 months. The jury's still out on that.

I had the amazing privilege of being able to be in the delivery room when Olivia was born. Her birthmother had a c-section, so I was sitting behind the curtain near her head and didn't actually SEE her emerge (um, surgery, blood, no thank you), but it was still an awesome experience. She was so new and wiggly with scrunchy-up hands and eyes squeezed shut...angry and thrashing around at whoever was responsible for making her leave her warm haven and end up in this cold, bright room.

I have often regretted that my husband couldn't experience this as well. And while adoption has been a blessing, I still harbor a deep desire to give him a child whose growth we can chart and observe from the beginning, and whose birth we can witness together.

I don't think I realized how much I still wanted this.

Yesterday, I received a letter I'd been anticipating since August. After discussion with some FertilityCare Educators, I was encouraged to submit my medical history and charts to Dr. Thomas Hilgers for review. I thought, at the very least, I was interested in finally getting some answers about what is wrong with my screwed-up fertility.

I don't know what I was expecting. I KNEW he couldn't diagnose me based on all that information. I know his reputation for finding and fixing such problems, and it is stellar. But I also know that, in most cases, it requires a trip to the Pope Paul VI Institute and extensive testing before you get to the bottom of the problem.

In retrospect, I suppose my medical history is spotty, at best. We did a lot of tests in our fertility fixing phase a few years ago, but not in the methodical, thorough manner that Dr. Hilgers requires. Most of those tests will have to be repeated under Dr. Hilger's, whose technique is more specific and directed at the causes of fertility.

I don't fault my amazing doctor at the hit-and-miss approach. In most cases, such an approach would have found the right cause and removed the problem. I have seen dozens of couples achieve and carry a successful pregnancy after just a hormone supplement, or a laparoscopy, or a round of Clomid. Or even a hysterosalpingogram (HSG)...a fancy name for shooting dye through the uterus and tubes and taking x-rays to see if there is any blockage. The radiologist who performed my HSG made small talk, asking about infertility since many women have this test for that reason. I remember, very clearly, that he said something like, "Well, I've seen a lot of women get pregnant after this test...the pressure sometimes removes a blockage from the tubes...with any luck, that'll happen for you." Yes, thank you, Dr. Insensitive, for the false hopes.

Dr. Hilger's evaluation phase is overkill for some couples because he likes to do testing for everything that could possibly be wrong, based on the charting and clues we already have. It's very, very effective, but more than some people NEED to fix the problem.

It turns out that I am probably one who needs the super thorough approach to get a diagnosis.

I read Dr. Hilgers' letter several times, even though nothing in it was a surprise. There are signs pointing to a half-dozen different possible causes of infertility. To pinpoint the exact cause, I need to repeat much of what has been done in the past and add another several tests, including hormone panels and an ultrasound series covering several days. Translation: Spend 7-10 days in Omaha to endure a lot of poking, prodding and evaluation, and we'll have a shot at a successful treatment plan.

My first reaction to the letter was to try to figure out how quickly I could come up with two weeks of free time to devote to this. Seriously. I didn't even think about the money that we will undoubtedly have to budget for such an out-of-network endeavor. All I could think about was fix the problem.

And then I took a breath. There are several factors to consider. There is no hurry. We can accomplish this in the summer, when I'm not babysitting. It will give us time to research the costs and save some money. Do I even really want this? It could fix my weird cycles, but there are no guarantees of pregnancy.

And there it is. All this time I thought that what was bothering me was this mystery of why my body does weird things and wanting to fix that. But what I really want, down deep in the core of my being, is to be able to conceive. And I think that really scares me.

This has nothing to do with being unhappy with adoption. I am thankful for my screwed up fertility to the extent that it has led us to Olivia. I have a great desire to adopt again. It is such an amazing experience, and I don't feel like any less of a Mom because my daughter did not spring forth from me. She is ours and we are hers and God knew exactly what we all needed when he led her birthmother to us.

But I teach FertilityCare. It has been a part of who I am for a quarter of my life. Appreciation for fertility and the possibility that it can lead to a whole new person...it's ingrained in me. I want to pursue this evaluation not just because I want to fix a broken system, but because I want to be a part of what I have taught for so many years. I want to be on the inside of this fertility club...not just a spectator, talking about the blessings of fertility and the challenges of periodic abstinence when I really don't have any context for either of these things.

I don't know where this will go yet. I will research the costs, talk to the nurses, discuss with my husband, pray. We don't need to decide anything right away, and that is a blessing. But it will be in the back of my mind for quite a while.

Retail therapy

Now that I'm engaged in a full time gig that requires me to be attentive to demanding toddlers all day, I appreciate being able to do ANYTHING alone. So when I got the opportunity to go shopping all by myself for a couple of hours this past Saturday, I took it.

I've always hated shopping. I've never been a big fan of wandering around looking at things that I have no need for but somehow want anyway because of marketing and clever product placement and all other such tricks that retail stores employ. I have always had buyers remorse after indulging on shopping trips such as this, and the remorse outweighs any fun I was able to have. I much prefer those trips where I go in with a purpose and a list and buy pretty much what I expected to buy when I walked in the door.

Now that ALL of my regular shopping trips are classified as purposeful shopping and are usually rushed because of the toddler-who-refuses-to-sit-still-and-constantly-throws-things-out-of-the-cart, I appreciate the opportunity to browse. It's a weird change for me, the non-browser, but I REALLY love browsing now.

So, Saturday I visited the card shop, Target, WalMart, Lowe's and Aldi. And I spent a total of $28.00. I bought one or two things from my list at each store, and spent the rest of my time browsing. I browsed at Halloween costumes, new baby gadgets, laminate flooring, and even some Christmas decorations. (The last thing I need is MORE Christmas decorations. But it's fun to look!) And I didn't buy ANYTHING in any of these categories. And you know what? I HAD SO MUCH FUN. I used to hate this kind of shopping, but now I enjoy it. I think it has more to do with spending alone time than it does with the actual shopping, but still.

What do YOU do with your alone time?

Sleep and babies

Olivia's cold has made it harder for her to fall asleep, and she's been playing some of those games kids play to keep themselves awake in bed. It's maddening. And last night, she woke up twice and came to our room. The first time was to find another pacifier, since hers went missing in her bed, but the second time was because she couldn't sleep.

I'm finding that I'm getting really good at falling asleep in her bed. I try to lay awake for awhile to see if she falls right back asleep, but more often than not, I'll fall asleep while she's still rolling around in bed and I'll wake up an hour or two later to find that she's sleeping peacefully next to me.

I'm hoping that this skill serves me well with baby #2, whenever he or she may arrive. It took me a LONG time to settle in when Olivia was little, waking at every little sound and checking on her when she wasn't making sounds at all just to be sure she was breathing. I don't think that will be such a problem the second time around.

Today is my Dad's birthday, and we were going to have family dinner at our house to celebrate. But it looks like we'll be celebrating at the hospital...my sister-in-law is in labor to deliver my newest nephew. Looks like Grandpa will have a birthday-buddy grandson.

We talked yesterday about Grandpa's birthday, so when Olivia woke up this morning, I asked her what today was. She answered, "It's Grandpa's happy birthday time!" Yes it is.

Gloom

Today Olivia is sniffling and sneezing and speaking with a gravelly voice. Addie has a sneeze, and I'm sure the other symptoms are not far behind. Thank you health department flu clinic.

And it's raining. I'm sure that has at least a small effect on my mood.

Since I can't think of anything productive or cheery to say today, I'm going to leave you with a picture from Saturday's Buddy Walk. I have more to say about the event itself, which was wonderful, but I'll say it another day, when I'm in a better frame of mind.

Two hours. Standing in line. With toddlers. I KNOW.

My husband's office has a health center where we usually get the basics of health care, including flu shots. This year, they couldn't get the juvenile dosages, so they recommended a free county flu shot clinic that was coming to a town near us today.

Addie's parents were fine with the plan for me to take the girls together and asked that I try to get her vaccinated too. I was happy to have this done before my two new babysitting charges start in a couple of weeks.

We arrived at the flu shot clinic a few minutes after it opened (9:30 a.m.). There was a line. Knowing that it takes about 4.5 seconds to administer a flu shot (including the time it takes to undress/redress the child), I figured that it wouldn't be long until we were out of there.

I was wrong.

For an hour and a half, I grabbed this girl and then that one as they kept trying to run into the road. I told them over and over to stop putting gravel in their mouths. I had to remove numerous cigarette butts and other miscellaneous trash from their hands as they continued to explore their limited area of ground. I had to hold this one and then that one when they refused to obey the command to "stay next to me". It was hard.

About an hour in, the county workers announced that they were out of the adult vaccine, so a few people stepped out of line and we ended up behind a woman who had three young children. This was our saving grace. It also made me thankful that we live in the friendly Midwest, where strangers are just friends you haven't met (name that TV reference). This lady's oldest child was a boy about 10 years old, and he was so cooperative in keeping the little ones happy. He played "ring around the rosy" with Olivia, Addie and his two little sisters while his Mom and I had to fill out paperwork. Olivia decided that he was her new best friend and insisted that he hold her for awhile. He was an angel to comply.

When we FINALLY got into the building, there were toys. It was so helpful in passing the time during the next 25 minutes that we waited INSIDE the building. But so many kids handled those toys today, and I am convinced that both girls will have a raging cold by the end of the week. But at least they won't get the flu. Sheesh.

A neighbor spotted me as I was called in to the vaccine room and went in with me to hold one girl while the other was getting her shot. And her daughter followed me back out to the car carrying one of the girls so I wouldn't have to struggle with both. Angels, these people.

The least painful part of the whole morning was the actual shot. The nurse was super fast, and Olivia didn't even cry (this from the kid who screams bloody murder at the mere SIGHT of a nurse). She pouted when I handed her off to my neighbor, but I think she was so surprised to be finished that she forgot about it almost instantly. Addie acted as if nothing had happened at all.

I rewarded the girls' impatience by taking them both to Denny's for lunch. In reality, this was my strategy to make sure that they would get fed before nap, because I KNEW that Olivia (at least) would fall asleep on the way home. After the morning I'd had, I couldn't risk a short nap because of hunger.

So, it's over. And next year, we'll be paying for a doctor's visit, because I'm NOT doing this again.

Seven progress-related takes

1. The projects? They are underway. I have two more kids (toddler and infant) to babysit in a couple of weeks, and I needed somewhere to PUT them. As in, naptime. So, I took the "baby's room", which had become the storage-for-all-things-we-don't-want-to-deal-with room, and turned it into something useful. I moved the elliptical to the garage and threw out a bunch of other stuff and ORGANIZED. All while the girls played without destroying property or hurting each other. I have skilz. I was going to post a picture, but it is rather boring, so let's just say that all the furniture is along a wall and the floor is clear and the closet door shuts and there is SPACE. Also, the top of the changing table holds nothing except a changing pad. This is crucial since I will once again be changing an infant, and I'd rather do it standing up instead of sitting on the floor while trying to keep three toddlers from trampling said infant.

2. I am going through junk, bit by bit. I am in Fall clean-up and throw-out mode (the one good side-effect of the failed yard sale), and I'm trying to make the most of it. We are GOING to find room in this house. It's not too small, we just have too much junk.

3. I managed to vacuum most of the leaves out of the playset area while the girls played yesterday. This was not an easy task, but I managed it. Of course, it needs to be done again and probably again every couple of days until December, but at least I'm on top of it.

4. On Monday night, while my husband mowed, I moved some landscaping rocks. They are 80-100 lb limestone landscaping rocks, and they used to sit around the tree in front of the playset. Now they sit around the landscaping burm on the other side of the backyard, and they look better there. We are going to grow grass around the tree. Why? Because the girls found the rocks around the tree to be irresistible and came very close to tripping and falling into one of them. So there.

5. The weather has turned seasonably cool, so we fished out all of Olivia's warm clothes this week. She has a lot, and the ones that fit are mostly 4T. The kid is tall. Anyway, a large portion of the summer clothes have been stored away to make room for the winter clothes, and I'm looking forward to dressing Olivia in all her cute "new" stuff.

6. I'm getting ready to start my 6th load of laundry for THIS WEEK. We're catching up here.

7. I've been so busy with all of these projects that the week has FLOWN by. I wonder if I will be able to accomplish as much when my new babysitting charges start coming. My guess is no, unless the baby is good with being in a sling all day. In my experience, babies don't much like to sit in the bouncer all day by themselves. Of course, Olivia didn't like to sit anywhere for long, so I have a skewed sample.

Happy weekend!

Seriously, where's the brain dictaphone?

Geez, we had a busy weekend and I thought of about a bajillion blog topics, which fail to come to me now that I am sitting down at the computer. I'm sure some of the topics will come back to me eventually, but in the meantime, you get some rambling.

1. On Saturday, we spent around 9 hours in the car (round trip) to visit my husband's college for homecoming. It was exhausting, but probably went better than we expected. Olivia behaved passably well, and there was a kid's craft tent where Olivia played with beads and I made a tie-dye t-shirt for her with all the other parents (because, seriously, tie-dye is NOT for small children). I'll try to post some pictures of my awesome artwork later, but here's a pic of Olivia's face paint and hand paint. So cute!



2. We stopped on the way home at our favorite diner/dive. It was full of men and women who looked a little rough, and most of them were smoking. That's the big downside of stopping there. But all we needed was coffee and pie and a leg stretcher for Olivia, and for that it worked well. The pie was wonderful, the coffee was fantastic, and Olivia managed to charm a few of the rough-looking diner-goers into smiling at her.

3. Weekends are awful on the schedule. Sunday was BAD. Nearly non-existent nap, bouncing-off-the-wall crazy...sometimes it really just pays to stay at home.

4. The girls are full of "I want" today. Actually, every day. What do they want? Whatever the other has. Or whatever you have. It doesn't matter if they are eating their fave food in the world...if you open something else for yourself, they want it. It is maddening.

5. I've been productive in projects this week. Maybe I'll get around to posting pics of those later in the week.

Happy Tuesday!