There is a teeny part of my brain that thinks they do this to torture me

This week has been particularly hard with regard to the adoption wait. Perhaps it is the fact that I have time on my hands for the first time in weeks. Or maybe it is this week's money panic that made me shake my fist at the Mean Monthly Marketing Fee. (Which, by the way, is about the same as the average family's car payment. Makes me very thankful that we don't have car payments. How do people do that?)

But the point is, I've been struggling. Wondering. Pondering. Obsessing.

I decided to call the agency for our monthly report, which I try to avoid if possible. The report tells you how many women, who haven't yet decided on a family, currently have your profile. The call is usually upbeat and positive and gives you a little boost of optimism. I avoid it because that little boost of optimism feeds my tendency to obsess. But the week I was having...well, I kind of needed that boost.

So I called. This week, we are "out" to four women who haven't yet chosen a family. She also said that we had been going out a lot because our profile fit the requests of most of the intakes they've had. It's just that those who have chosen already...they haven't chosen us.

So I asked a couple of questions and, perhaps, let my frustration with the wait shine through just a teeny bit. The counselor was, of course, very reassuring, blah, blah. Of course, she's not the one writing this marketing check every month.

Later the same day, I got a call from the agency. There was a call that morning from a woman who wanted a "very open" adoption with identifying information, etc. They wanted to show our profile (and four others) but wanted to check on the "very open" thing first. Not all couples are OK with that. We are.

And now I have something new to obsess about. And I'm reminded about WHY they don't tell you how often your profile is sent out unless you ask. It is torture.