Way back in the dark days of infertility, I used to spend a lot of time wrestling with God. I felt this undeniable calling to motherhood, but we kept hitting brick walls in our search for the cause of infertility. I cried out to God in frustration for giving us this desire to start a family and keeping us from fulfilling it.
Slowly, gradually, we opened ourselves to adoption. And then everything happened so quickly. In the blink of an eye, we were parents.
And now, even though infertility is still our cross to bear, it doesn't seem so heavy. We have a beautiful baby girl, one we would never have met had we not had to travel the road of infertility. That fact is not lost on me.
Now, I thank God every day for the infertility that led us to Olivia. We still pray and work to overcome infertility, but if that never happens, we will adopt again. And we will undoubtedly thank God for the continued infertility that would lead us to our next child. Because every child is a gift...a unique an expression of God's love.
We would be thrilled to experience pregnancy and childbirth. But if God's plan, ultimately, is to bring us more children via adoption rather than pregnancy, we will consider ourselves just as blessed.
In the end, our family may end up being smaller than we would have planned it to be. But we are learning to let go of our plan, because God's plan is so much better than our own.
Deep down, I truly believe that we were meant to be Olivia's parents. God led us to her and to her birthmother. And I believe that God will lead us to our next child. I am learning to sit back and take the steps at God's pace, and not mine.